First, I want to apologize for going M.I.A on everyone, so much has been going on and honestly not having my medication has lead to me feeling depressed and not like myself. I’ve been kinda of distance with everything lately, including with my podcast and it’s all been a process to be honest.
I’ve been working and being a mom and struggling with other things as well that have lead me down a path of trying to figure out what to do next. The good news is my doctor finally approved my medication to be refilled this morning, my pharmacy fought hard for them to do it and for that I’m grateful to finally be able to pick up my medicine today. I have other things that have been plaguing my mind lately as well and you all know it’s no secret that I’ve been trying to lose weight and I’ve been on and off with diets and failing miserably to stick to anything at all.
I’m starting to feel so insecure about my weight, it’s to the point that looking in the mirror has become an issue for me, I’ve gotten to the point where avoiding the mirror is the only thing that works for me. I know I’m not perfect and some days I eat a lot of sweets and other days I don’t. I feel like sometimes I’m binge eating and I don’t know why or eating when I’m bored and it’s bothering me and I’m feeling gross to be honest, I was 136 now I’m 143 and to some that’s not a lot but to me it is and I hate my body right now and all though my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful everyday some how I don’t believe it anymore. It’s funny last night we were on the phone and he said “baby your making yourself crazy for no reason” I get it but still it’s hard to tell the girl who always struggled with wanting to be super thin and who use to starve herself to lose weight any different. I remember being 122 pounds and being happy because back then weight didn’t bother me as much but tell that to me now.
This girl was so confident and happy but now I’m wondering what happen to her and why now am I stuck 🤷♀️
This is me now and to some, I may appear fine but to me I’m so insecure and wondering when this will end to be honest.
I’m also in a space where I’m about to cut my hair short again, my hair grew back out but now it’s starting to break off some in the back and I’m kind of over my hair, so I booked a hair appointment with my hair stylist for the following week to get it cut and Styled and start fresh for a while. I know in due time, things will be back to normal and I’ll be back to my old self, it’s all a process but getting back on my meds is the first start and then Monday I’m starting back on my diet of eating clean and I’m sticking to a goal of getting down to 129, that’s the goal my nutritionist set for me so I’m going get back too it and stay clean this time.
I’m going to be ok and I know everyone dealing with mental illness can get through this and be strong too. It’s going to be tough sometimes but we can see it through. I’m about to finish watching “Halloween” and be scared for a while under my heated blanket. Enjoy your Sunday and be safe and happy 😊