One of those days..

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Thursday’s oh typical Thursday’s, the day where the weekend is pretty much almost here and we celebrate Because Friday is our last day of work for most of us. My goal is to not trigger anyone with this blog post and to only tell my story while also educating. If your struggling with weight I’m here standing with you and we can do this together. Please don’t jump to conclusions on this post again it’s my experience and the things I’ve dealt with but as always I want to share with you all.

I still remember being the girl who flipped through all the magazines, the girl who was destined to be happy. The mirror use to be my best friend, it’s weird now standing at 4″11 and looking at myself no longer seeing anything that looks attractive to me, the world does not help when every where your turn someone is telling you how much weight you gained or what you should or should not be eating. The struggles to be what the world wants me to be continues to beat me down day in and day out. The girl who was once a size 7 now wears 11-12 and of course that’s not attractive to most ( in my mind) I’m still at a lost on how it started or how to fix it.

It seemed like over the course of the last couple of months food became a scape goat for me it was there when I was sad, it was there when I was happy it was there for every occasion. I found myself eating just to eat at times. I kept pretending like my weight gain didn’t exists people would make comments but as always, I ignored it and kept eating what I wanted. I miss the girl who could eat whatever and never gain weight or the girl who simply didn’t care. I miss the girl who once loved who she was and didn’t care about what the world wanted her to be but some where down the line she lost herself and does not know when she will be back.

I remember taking diets pills and starving myself and exercising constantly, I remember being so desperate to be happy at one point that I even went to a pro Ana website Because in my mind being thin was the goal. I spent countless hours looking at calories and documenting what I ate. It was pure torture some days but again the goal was to be thin. The weird part is sometimes, I’ll go to twitter and look at girls profiles who still struggle with weight and my heart breaks for the girls who don’t eat all day or the girl who lies to her parents about eating a meal knowing she threw it up. I go to YouTube and watch videos of girls stories and the recovery at the end of the video always makes me smile.

I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend tonight and we talked about my weight gain and I broke down because I’m ashamed to even have allowed myself to get this way I’m ashamed because it’s no longer about my weight but the goal is to be happy and healthy again. I say to anyone struggling tomorrow is a new day please love yourself and know that it will be ok. Let’s not worry about the number on the scale so much let’s focus on being happy and healthy. My nutritionist calls it a lifestyle change not a diet. We can do this ladies and men because I know we all struggle or have struggled at some point in our lives.

To anyone struggling with body image issues please get help, you are not alone and to anyone who feels like giving up on weight loss please don’t you can do this, I’m standing with you. Enjoy your Thursday night and know you are loved ❤️

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