Life update 12/19 🙂

career, life, mental health

I’ve missed you all, I’ve missed blogging and being on here to post my thoughts and feelings. So much has happened over the past couple of months and it’s a lot so bare with me through out this post as I described it all to you.

Work life/Career:

I was working at a pain management clinic for the past three years as a medical assistant, it was great for a while and then things started to take a turn for the worse. I was so unhappy and it wasn’t feeling good anymore, I was being harassed and verbally abused daily by an employee who worked with me, I went to the doctor several times about her and he refused to do anything, he would rather lose me as an employee then fire the girl who causes drama, I even had a work best friend who was taking up for me and telling him things as well, he still continued to take her side and the final straw was when she kept trying to get me fired and then on top of that she was trying to strip my Job away from me and hire students to replace me, I was at my breaking point, so I walked out and quit and did my farewell it was the best decision for me, I texted my doctor my farewell and said goodbye to my three year job and it was the best decision, I’ve learned so much about myself through this process and I’m ready to let go of that place of employment and that past and move on to a better place to work. I’ve had a lot of interviews and I’ve been finding out what works for me and what, I love to do so with that being said I’m hoping to land a new Job soon and I’m always grateful for the support of my family/friends through this process ( also I had an amazing interview Wednesday and I hope I land this job). Keep you guys posted!

New Instagram:

I started a new Instagram guys!!! It’s my baby yes yes, it’s geared towards mental health and I make videos and do quotes, the page is up and running and I’m excited it’s still in the works, I don’t have a lot of followers yet but I’m still glad to be spreading my message to help others in need. So please go check out my page!! https://www.instagram.com/spreadloveawareness it’s my baby again so be kind and gentle with me, my goal is to help others any way that god will allow me too. It’s so many mental health pages on Instagram and it’s truly amazing to see so many people who are willing to help others and be there for one another. I love all the love being spread on that platform.

My new website:

I officially made a new website guys! It’s ok square space and again you gotta check it out, it’s geared toward mental health and helping others and what makes this page different is I have a store attached to it, where I’m going to be selling clothes and jewelry that’s have mental health slogans and sayings on them and I’m going to be getting a P.O. Box as well for anyone who wants to send me mail or letters or anything really and I’ll use that to send out the shirts and jewelry that will be made. It will all be up and running in January of 2020. So Check out my website and spread the support https://www.spreadloveawareness.com go take a look when your free, I’m so excited for what 2020 will be bringing for me and my advocacy and I’m hoping to be able to actually do public speaking in the future but one thing at a time for right now.

Relationship:

My boyfriend and I will be together for two years next month and it’s been a blessing, he has been so supportive of me through everything and I’m grateful for that, we made us work and no matter the obstacles we kept going and love won every time so don’t give up because love is worth it with the right person, so to anyone who’s single your love is waiting in 2020 with chocolates or roses ready to take you out and hopefully become your soulmate.

What I’ve learned:

Life will sometimes knock you down or take you through unexpected turns but it’s what you do to make it through the tough times and how you handle what happens to you, I will keep smiling and never give up when one door closes another will always open. Never let anyone bring you down or tell you that you are lesser because you are truly amazing, I can’t wait to see what 2020 holds for me. I’ll keep you guys posted on what’s next for me. I’m going to get better with posting. Promise! Enjoy your weekend ❤️

One door closes, another one opens.

mental health

It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

Keep going..

mental health

Does it ever get better, or do we stay in the same place forever, do tears fall forever or do they eventually stop? When do smiles become real and not something we do in the moment to make others around us think we’re ok, I’ve never though it would be like this, never thought my anxiety and depression would get this bad. I’m trying to remember what happiness felt like or what it felt like to actually wear a smile that was actually genuine. I’m sitting here listening to “sad” by xxxtentacion for those of you who don’t know he was a rapper who was killed in 2018 and in my opinion made some pretty good music. (Rip) to him.

I feel like it’s never going to be ok again, the medication isn’t enough anymore and all the positive thoughts have slowly drifted away. It’s like waking up Everyday to do the same thing over and over going to a job you hate, dealing with the typical oft drama between co workers and realizing you can’t trust anyone. Not only that looking for a job so far has been crazy I’m still waiting for more interviews to pour in so for now I’m stuck in the same spot. I’ve decided today that if nothing changes by the end of the month I’m done with my job my sanity and happiness has to be first and right now with the multiple panic attacks and depression my health has to come first.

Not to mention the car accident I got in over the weekend and honestly my faith has been so shaken lately I’m starting to wonder if god even believes in me anymore, I went from praying everyday and believing it would all be ok to now, not even being sure anymore. It’s sad when you look around and you can’t even trust people you thought you could. I’m learning that the only person Cherelle has is herself, her family and the close friends she grew up with and I hate to sound harsh but This girl dosent want anymore new friends. I try to be nice and bring new people around me but every time they stab me in the back and I’m done with that.

I feel like I’m on a road to recovery and I’m struggling right now to get myself together the only thing that is going right is my weight lose, my new nutritionist is amazing she has me on a low carb diet and it’s working great for me I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week and I feel amazing so I’m looking forward to the weight continuing to drop, so if your trying to lose weight keep pushing and don’t give up. I’m sorry for being away so long it’s always hard for me to write blogs when I’m not in a good state of mind, it’s been a rough few weeks but I’m trying to hang in there. I’m not going to let my mental health take over too much.

Side note: I had a mini anxiety attack today lots of tears lots of things needing to be released and that was much needed, I’m tempted to call my therapist or my doctor but I don’t wanna worry anybody I think I’ve worried my mom and boyfriend enough today. I’m trying to keep this smile going let’s hope the next smile I wear is real.

Enjoy your Monday night, and remember to keep going even when it gets tough!

Standing strong..

mental health

I’m sorry for not being as present again, I’ve been dealing with so much lately and it has taken a Hugh toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling really bad with my mental health and trying to stay above it all and when things get tough it’s hard for me to want to do anything to be honest.

My job-

Has been pure hell lately, my office manager is horrible and mean and beats me down daily she even treats the patients like crap and the worse part is my dr can’t even see the things she does he thinks she’s perfect as always. I’ve been majorly depressed behind working there lately. I’m constantly being picked at about everything. It’s been so hard lately but I do have some good news I had a job interview Friday and I have another one Monday so keeping my fingers crossed that someone will hire me soon.

My weight-

It’s no secret I’ve gained some weight, I won’t get in to detail about how much or what lead to it, I’m in the process of trying to get help with that, I meet my new nutritionist on August 30 so we can discuss my new meal plan. I’m looking forward to getting back to my old self again. I also wish people didn’t body shame others or make them feel bad that’s never ok, please don’t body shame or make fun of anyone for the way they are. It really bothers me that people actually think it’s ok to tell someone they gained weight or tell them what they need to do in order to lose it, I didn’t ask for your opinion so please keep it, I already know what needs to be done and will handle it on my own when I’m ready.

My dad-

I love my dad, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately though at all, it’s hard for me to stay here sometimes especially when things are so crazy I’m dealing with work drama and then dealing with my dad does not help either sometimes. Its been crazy because getting beat down at work and then coming home to my dad basically doing the same things is killing me honestly. I wish my dad knew how to actually talk to me instead of talking at me. I know that’s how some dads are but it’s hard to have a conversation like that when I’m feeling defensive the whole time and it leads to me being sad and of course trying to figure out what to do next. Don’t get me wrong parents are a blessing but sometimes I’m not sure they exactly know how to talk with us sometimes.

Depression-

Being sad and crying all the time has started again, it went away but now it’s back again and I’m finding Myself crying every week now and being miserable. It’s hard when things get like this because the only thing my mind wants to do is shut down from the world and block everyone out. I try to keep going for my daughter but it’s been tough. My mental state could be better but it’s one of those things that has to take its time before it goes away and actually gets better. I’m hoping in due time things will be back to normal.

Faith-

The good news is, I’ve finally found a church home that my daughter and I both like we joined the new church last Sunday and I’m looking forward to being with this church for many many years, honestly my faith is what keeps me going and keeps me sane most days. When we have nothing at all, I know that god is with me and he has my back. I try to stay prayed up and always make sure to count my blessing always.

Conclusion-

I’m hoping things will get better soon, I’m hoping the next time I write a post, I will have good news to tell you guys about the job situation. I’m sorry for being gone again so long, life has once again threw a wrench in my plans but it’s ok no matter what, I will pull through and things will get better. Enjoy your Saturday I’m off to wash my hair and relax with a good movie.

So excited!! Happy Sunday!

mental health

I’m sorry for the two days of no posting, so much has been going on, I was out of town and the biggest thing, I adopted a dog and named him bean. Guys I’m so in love! My co worker/ best amiga (friend) Andrea took me to the SPCA https://richmondspca.org this is their website if you wanna check it out it they do great things for animals like dogs and cats. It’s basically a shelter and they get animals that have been found and take care of them. You can go in and adopt them. You have to fill out paper work and have an interview process and they allow you to spend time with the dog, then you can decide weather you wanna adopt or not. SPCA is state wide and they do great things in the community so if your thinking about adopting a dog or cat it’s a great place.

The dog, that I’ve adopted “bean” is what my daughter named him. The thing that stuck out to me the most is that he suffers from anxiety and when the counselor told me that, it made me think about my situation with my anxiety. I know most people might be thinking why would you get a dog like that, when you have anxiety and the answer is simple, we can help each other and when he has moments of anxiety it’s easy for me to recognize the signs and help him relax or hold him till he feels better. Honestly I’m always thinking only us as humans have problems or deal with hard things but going to the shelter showed me that animals deal with the same things that we do and it goes un noticed because we don’t look at them as being human or having feelings because they are animals, when the reality is they do. It’s definitely something, I’m going to educate myself on to learn even more.

Everything right now is great in my life, except the “Job” situation witch is still a work in progress for me, but I did get a call for an interview Friday so will see what happens,I’m hoping to be in a new job by the end of the year or the beginning so have to stay positive about that. I did have a crazy weekend but that’s another story and I’m the end it all came together and worked out . The high light was adopting my dog and seeing my boyfriend for two days. None the less it’s the little things that really do keep us going in this world. I’m looking forward to whatever is next.

I’m off to go clean my car out and go give the dog a bath before, I take a well needed nap because let’s be honest, I barley slept any this weekend I’m such a worry wart. I did manage to go to church and that was amazing as usual. So enjoy this beautiful Sunday and remember to spread love wherever you are today.

It gets better :) (keep going)

mental health

“This time won’t you save me, this time won’t you save me” the lyrics from an old nicki Minaj song “save me” are not stuck in my head as I lay across my bed thinking about todays events. It seems I’m closer and closer to edge as each day goes by.

Work is a complete mess, I’m over my manager and her list of demands, I’m over her need for me to be perfect, I’m over the girl who claims to be my friend, while running away scared when any situation occurs, I’m drowning on my own now. I keep telling myself it will be ok in the end, the endless times today wheee the words “I’m done, “I quit” crossed my mind too many times, it’s not worth the pain or agony anymore, it’s not worth wearing a fake smile everyday. It’s no longer about what’s Cherelle loves anymore it’s become a childish game now between who can win and of course she does every time.

I’ve been wondering what truly makes me happy, what truly keeps me going and the truth is my Job no longer fulfills me anymore, it’s funny because three years ago, I was bragging to the world about my new medical Job, I would of said, I’m never leaving now three years later the girl who is no longer and intern but a trained medical assistant, would rather be anywhere but there. I never though it would end this way. I’m fulfilled in every aspect of my life but not this part.

I’ve never wanted to get away more then today, I’m still wondering what it would be like living some where else where no one knew me would feel like, I’m still wondering what life would be like had I made other choices, I guess will never truly know unless an actual time machine was present too bad that only works in movies or tv shows. My friend called me tonight to talk me down and, I convinced her everything was fine, but it still doesn’t feel right. Will it ever? Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid and pray for the best.

I’m learning more and more, some things never change. neither do people, the good part is you can choose who to surround yourself with and it does not have to always be negative. I still wanna be that little girl again with no care in the world, no bills no Job just living life and enjoying being a kid in school, I look at my daughter and smile because she is what keeps me going she is my sane place. I do everything for her and that means the show must go on. I pray for the people who are hurt and hurt others, I pray for the world and hope that no matter what goes on it will all get better and even though things seem crazy right now for me I’m still going to keep going because it will get better.

Follow your heart and your dreams, never let anyone bring you down and if your unhappy in your career, relationships or with something in your life change it, that’s what I’m going to do. Enjoy your Wednesday night I’m off to bed with my music and my thoughts.

Tuesday’s thoughts..

mental health

Today was a long day and now I’m left tired and racing with thoughts, my co workers don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. I wish going on a vacation could happen soon. I’m tired of all the at work negativity. Im trying my best to stay positive to not let it all break me. I have to keep telling myself it will all be ok, it’s hard telling someone who deals with anxiety and depression that it will be ok, that your old ways won’t creep back in. It’s taking everything in me to not to let the negative thoughts come back.

My weight issues don’t help much either, my dad worries about everything I eat, either I’m eating too much or not what he wants me to eat, I get it I’m the “fat” daughter now because I’m not the small size 7 anymore, but it still hurts because, I’m sticking to my meal plan I’ve been anti sweets and I’m trying this time. It seems like the world can’t see it thought, what more do they want from me? It’s not like the girl in the mirror is the girl, I want to be. I take the countless comments from family and friends while crying in private, I get it no one is perfect, tell the girl in the mirror that the one who haunts me daily because she does not feel good enough.

I wake up to the same routine, rushing out the door to get to the same Job and do the usual things, everyone has a problem and I’m the one they run to, I’m the one picking up the phones all day trying to help as many patients as I can. I won’t lie it’s draining day in and day out but it’s the Career that I’ve chosen for me the career of helping others, but oh wait who’s going to help me, who’s going to save me? You forget about yourself when everyone around you starts to come first. Your mind starts to spin and the next thing you know, you have landed on the floor trying to figure it all out.

I have it all together, that’s what I’m telling myself everyday. I keep pushing and striving for all my goals evens when it hurts. The demands never seem to end each day is something new or something different. My pastor preaches about being nice to others treating everyone equal sometimes it’s hard when it’s all coming at me at once when people expect so much out of you. The inner part of me wants to scream “that’s enough” but instead I bite my tongue as always and pretend it’s not bothering me, I have to wear a fake smile and keep going even when the medication does not feel like enough even when the world seems too much.

Today could of been better but as always I’m praying for a better tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoys their Tuesday night and try not to let anyone bring you down also thanks for allowing me to share my feelings it’s tough sometimes but remember we can’t let our mental illness win. We can do it!

Sunday “my happy place”

Sunday inspiration

I woke up this morning excited for church but also excited for another day of life. I feel great knowing my anxiety is in check, my depression isn’t nearly as bad and mostly everything in my life for the most part feels in order.

I still weep for the people out there who still don’t know where their next meal is coming from or don’t know where their life is heading next. I’m always watching the homeless people that stand on the side of the road asking for food or money. I wonder about their back stories and what keeps them going everyday. My co worker always stops to give them money she has a good heart and she would help the whole world if she could.

I wish, I could save everyone who wanted to give up on life and let them know it’s going to be ok, the countless stories of suicide all over the news makes me sad, I wonder what led them to that place and why no one intervened to help. The deeper that, I get into church and my religion, I’m starting to understand more about people and also the changes that,I need to make within myself. I get it no ones life is perfect not even mine some days are better than others. I try to stay above it all and not think too much on the negative.

Life can put you in dark spaces sometimes, believe me I’ve been there countless times, where I wonder why I’m still here and when it would get better, going from the girl who cried everyday to now being able to deal with my problems better is an accomplishment for me. I continue pushing no matter how hard life gets. It’s never easy but it’s always worth it, I will always believe that it’s ways to get around my anxiety. sometimes I’m often wondering will I be on medicine for the rest of my life or will the day come where it’s no longer needed, honestly it’s become safe for me to be on medication then without it. Some function better when they are medicine free me on the other hand it helps a lot.

I hope everyone will have a wonderful Sunday keep praying for better days and keep a positive mind, God will guide you and get you through the next steps in your life. It may seem hard today but believe me it does get better. So to anyone struggling, know I’m here for you and please don’t give up.

One of those days..

weight loss/Healthy food choices

Thursday’s oh typical Thursday’s, the day where the weekend is pretty much almost here and we celebrate Because Friday is our last day of work for most of us. My goal is to not trigger anyone with this blog post and to only tell my story while also educating. If your struggling with weight I’m here standing with you and we can do this together. Please don’t jump to conclusions on this post again it’s my experience and the things I’ve dealt with but as always I want to share with you all.

I still remember being the girl who flipped through all the magazines, the girl who was destined to be happy. The mirror use to be my best friend, it’s weird now standing at 4″11 and looking at myself no longer seeing anything that looks attractive to me, the world does not help when every where your turn someone is telling you how much weight you gained or what you should or should not be eating. The struggles to be what the world wants me to be continues to beat me down day in and day out. The girl who was once a size 7 now wears 11-12 and of course that’s not attractive to most ( in my mind) I’m still at a lost on how it started or how to fix it.

It seemed like over the course of the last couple of months food became a scape goat for me it was there when I was sad, it was there when I was happy it was there for every occasion. I found myself eating just to eat at times. I kept pretending like my weight gain didn’t exists people would make comments but as always, I ignored it and kept eating what I wanted. I miss the girl who could eat whatever and never gain weight or the girl who simply didn’t care. I miss the girl who once loved who she was and didn’t care about what the world wanted her to be but some where down the line she lost herself and does not know when she will be back.

I remember taking diets pills and starving myself and exercising constantly, I remember being so desperate to be happy at one point that I even went to a pro Ana website Because in my mind being thin was the goal. I spent countless hours looking at calories and documenting what I ate. It was pure torture some days but again the goal was to be thin. The weird part is sometimes, I’ll go to twitter and look at girls profiles who still struggle with weight and my heart breaks for the girls who don’t eat all day or the girl who lies to her parents about eating a meal knowing she threw it up. I go to YouTube and watch videos of girls stories and the recovery at the end of the video always makes me smile.

I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend tonight and we talked about my weight gain and I broke down because I’m ashamed to even have allowed myself to get this way I’m ashamed because it’s no longer about my weight but the goal is to be happy and healthy again. I say to anyone struggling tomorrow is a new day please love yourself and know that it will be ok. Let’s not worry about the number on the scale so much let’s focus on being happy and healthy. My nutritionist calls it a lifestyle change not a diet. We can do this ladies and men because I know we all struggle or have struggled at some point in our lives.

To anyone struggling with body image issues please get help, you are not alone and to anyone who feels like giving up on weight loss please don’t you can do this, I’m standing with you. Enjoy your Thursday night and know you are loved ❤️

Finally back!!!

mental health, weight loss/Healthy food choices

I’ve honestly missed blogging and it’s so much that I’m wanting to say. I’ll try to keep it short and simple with you.

Why I stepped away?

I had so much going on in my personal life, I was trying to figure it all out and it was hard for me to blog and give my all to my site, when in my mind, I wasn’t a hundred percent available. I was going back in fourth with my podcast and YouTube but eventually that interest faded too. I’m still trying to figure it all out. I know for sure that blogging is a Hugh passion for me and that’s why keeping this site up and running is so important to me and me being back is honestly a good thing for me and I’m looking forward to giving you guys more great content and being open to more conversations.

What’s been going on in my life?

My anxiety and depression for the most part has actually been ok, I see my doctor every three months for refills on my medications and we talk about what’s going on in my life. I still have moments of being anxious or a little emotional but it’s nothing that consumes me like in the past.

My weight?

My weight has been an on going battle for me lately the past couple of months have been hell when it comes to that, I’ve gone through spells of binge eating and not caring and spells where losing weight is all that’s on my mind. I started seeing my nutritionist again then the old habits came back with bad eating, the good news is I’ve found a new nutritionist in the area who will see me as a new patient next month and I’m super excited to see what happens with that, my doctor has even expressed concern about my weight gain and my blood pressure is now high and It’s all scary to be honest my health has to come first. I’ve finally got On board and chosen to eat healthy and do the right thing my goal is to eat clean and stay away from sweets and bread as my dr has advised me to do as well as exercising daily. I will keep you guys update on my weight loss.

Work?

Honestly work has been so stressful lately it’s been hectic and all over the place, one of my co workers is out on maternity leave so we’re short staffed and I’m doing her job now and it’s been chaotic and crazy at the drs office lately, I’m trying to hang in there and be strong but all the negativity I’m dealing with is not worth my sanity any longer and I’m realizing it’s time for a change in my work life, I try to always remain positive and remember why, I became a medical assistant but sometimes it’s hard and it’s honestly not even the patients it’s the people around me that make make my job so hard at times. I won’t got in to too much detail on that but I will say I’m looking forward to new career opportunities soon.

Love?

My love life is still amazing, my boyfriend and I are still together and still happy in love. We’re still trying to figure out the moving situation and what’s next but everything has been amazing thus far and our two year anniversary is coming up soon, I’m super excited for that and can’t wait to spend more years with him.

Church?

I’ve recently Began going back to church again and I’ve finally found a church home for my daughter and I we enjoy the people there and the pastor it’s been so great going and getting to know everyone and the best part is my moms best friend is a member there so she’s always looking out for me. I’m genuinely happy about allowing god back into my life and allowing myself to go back to church and put god first again. It’s been one hell of a journey when it comes to my religion and trying to figure out where I belong and where I should be, however finally it’s all happening the way I want it too.

Final words-

I know, I rambled a little bit had to catch you up on some aspects of my life and I’m finally back guys so keep looking out for more post from me, I promise not to leave again for months like that again. I’m still figuring it all out but CHERELLE is finally back! Enjoy your Wednesday night, this girl is off to bed. I have another 5am wake up call. 🙏