Addiction

The truth, I never told!

So many things have happened in my life and I’ve kept them bottled up scared and fearful of the outcome but in doing this blog I’m finding out it’s easier to talk about the things that I’ve never said out loud so I wanna walk in my truth and tell a story that has never really been told so in a previous post I talked about my abusive relationship but it goes deeper then that.

Before I go to deep..

The idea for doing this kind of post came from me watching a show on Vice-land called “dope sick nation” it’s such a good show about the drug epidemic in Florida, it features two people Allie and Frankie who are trying to help addicts get clean and in to rehab it’s such a good show it will keep you on your toes and yes grab a tissue because it will make you cry at some scenes so please go check this show out it comes on every Wednesday at 9 or 10 I believe so go check your local channel listings for it.

Let’s get started..

I use to watch my ex all the time he seemed so put together but he wasn’t at all, he would drink now and then and I would drink with him sometimes and in the beginning I never saw any drug problems until one day he had friends over and I saw him start popping pills it shocked me at first and I asked him did he do this all the time he laughed and said no here and there so I believe him but as time went on he would always call his “dealer” to come over and bring him whatever he needed he would pay him 100 dollars sometimes even more for pills to snort or take to feel high all the time.

His world vs mine..

I tried my best to understand him and understand why he was like this but at the time I couldn’t. We spent many nights indulging in alcohol he even had me taking his pills, the difference was he was addicted and I wasn’t. I could stop anytime I wanted, he couldn’t it was obvious. the many days he spent sick when he didn’t have his prescription pills or his alcohol he would ponder back and fourth around the house trying to figure out how he could call someone and how he could get more alcohol and more pills. I remember every weekend feeling like a party everyone he hung out with was hooked on something and it was nothing new to them. I was lost in a world that I clearly knew nothing about it and it scared me.

His friend..

He has a friend that was hooked on every drug you could think of but of course it was normal to them, he would come over and talk to us now and then, he would talk about wanting to get out start Fresh how he was tired of the lifestyle he wanted out, he eventually went off to rehab and once he was back home he got sucked in to the lifestyle again this time was different. I remember getting a phone call from my ex telling me his friend had passed away apparent drug over dose he seemed scared like maybe he wanted to change his life around maybe he wanted to do better.

The outcome..

I honestly don’t know weather he is still doing drugs because we no longer speak but I can say I have not drink alcohol(I drink wine but nothing past that) or taking any pills since we broke up in 2015/2016 so yes addiction is real guys and to anyone out there dealing with someone on drugs please be patient with that person and try to help them the best way you know how, addiction is not easy and someone will not change unless they are ready to change remember that, you can still be there for them.

I’ve never told this story out loud before so I’m glad it’s out now and I hope it helps someone out there, please love yourself guys and also I’m sorry this is going up late I’ve been out of town all weekend.

anxiety

Why I been M.I.A/dealing with my anxiety.

First I want to apologize for my absence so much has been going on in my personal life it’s been a rough crazy week, I’ve missed blogging so much it was fun to blog twice a day or once but lately I haven’t been in to it due to personal things going on in my life but I have not forgotten about my blog and will be back to blogging again every day very soon.

Life..

Life has been super crazy for me lately I’m in one of those spells where I wanna shut the world out and be alone in my own little world so I’ve been taking time for myself trying to figure everything out and gather my thoughts. I’m searching for that happy spot right now and i haven’t exactly hit the mark at the moment. I want to go off to an island where no one knows my name and start fresh that would be nice honestly. My thoughts have been racing like crazy and my mind is literally on 10 these past couple of days. It’s hard to process everything to be honest. I have to get back to myself and honestly I don’t know when that will be.

Anxiety..

My anxiety was doing so well and I was proud of myself because things were going great however now it’s back to not being so great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of panic and amongst other things but I won’t let that break me as always, I will survive! I Just need some time to process it all and I will be back to myself so I’ll be taking some much needed down time away and when I come back things will be 100% better and I will be able to blog again like before.

Conclusion..

I will be back to blogging soon, first I have to take care of myself and figure out what’s best for me. I miss this blogging thing so much I really do but I have to get my mind right back first before anything. I’ve posted a few new videos on my YouTube channel so you should go check them out if you wanna see what I’ve been up too. I can’t wait to come back and be better then ever. Enjoy your weekend and do what makes you happy always, I’ll be back soon!

relationships

When someone from the past tries to come back into your life 😮 (let those ex’s go)

This topic actually came to mind when I was at a red light in my car yesterday and now I’m finally getting around to talking about it. I know every girl and even some guys have had an ex come back into your life or at least TRY to come back in your life, it’s like with no warning all of a sudden this person has found you on Facebook or Instagram or some how gotten your phone number from a friend and you receive and Anonymous text message out of no where, You have basically moved on with your life but of course they haven’t.

The guilt trip..

So many know how ex’s will pop up all of a sudden acting brand new and telling you all the problems they now have in their life and how they need a friend and your suppose to feel sorry for them, (I think not) I won’t even lie I’ve had people from my past try to pop up and it annoys me honestly, I have cut you out my life for a reason this means don’t contact me and I won’t contact you. I once had an ex who was going through hard times and he called me cause he didn’t have any food in his house so me being nice I gave him money well that was my mistake because he kept asking and I refused to help anymore because at that point I already knew he was taking advantage of my kindness. We should never feel guilty behind what someone else has done and trust me I’ve learned the hard way on that one (also this was all before I had my daughter and got into my current relationship) I would never ever do that now.

Why do they come back…

I think most times they feel bad for things they did and they feel that they need to redeem themselves, I’m one of those People who chooses to forgive but I will never forget. I’ve had ex’s tell me they messed up and they feel bad because I was a good girlfriend, ok all that sounds cute and all but it’s too late and I’ve already moved on, I never see the point in re living the past again. I never really dated a good guy before until my current relationship it’s crazy to think back to all the wrong guys I dated and why I picked them, I was so insecure in myself and who I was and they saw that and took advantage of that. I never want my daughter to feel pain from a man as I have. So ladies even men do not let your ex come back forgive them but find the strength to move on to something even better.

Conclusion..

When your relationship is done and over with move on, change your number(if you want too), Block them on social media or if you choose to keep that person in your life just strictly keep it as friends that’s it nothing more but I will say In my opinion, I don’t want any of my ex’s back and I don’t want them contacting me and trust me it has happened and I always shut it down quickly because I’m not for all the drama. You have to remember it’s a reason that you and that person didn’t work out so don’t fall prey to being a victim to them again.

Enjoy your Friday guys and stay away from those ex’s (get you something better) ✌️

self-love

It’s ok to be different :)

Growing up I never really fit in with the cool kids I was always marching to the beat of my own drum, I went to high school with all kinds of kids from jocks, the cheerleaders, the I’m too good to hang with you group(popular group if you wanna say), the nerds and the emo kids. I would always get picked on for being different and I never felt good enough. The girls I had grown up with since elementary school started to become my friends again in high school they were all well known and as long as I hung with them, well I became well known too.

For years I stuck with them until one day I decided I needed to break away, I needed to find out who I was and being in that group didn’t fit me anymore so my uncles wife ,well his stepdaughter(her daughter) moved in with them and she became my new friend she didn’t fit into the standards of being popular she never cared what anyone though of her either, she listened to all the linkin Park songs and three days grace and even more and she took me into a world that I never knew. We did everything together practically she even introduced me to all her friends and hanging with them became the norm for me.

One day she decided school wasn’t for her anymore so she dropped out and that left me alone and trying to figure out who I was, I couldn’t go back to old group of friends because well it wasn’t the same anymore and in some way they had moved on from me. I eventually met other people of course but still I knew I was nothing like most people, all my life I had been told I was weird or different and it use to bother me until one day I decided not to care anymore because well it was true and so what, I didn’t wanna fit into these molds anymore, I wanted to be me.

I’m now older and I still am that weird/different girl and I love everything about it. I listen to all kinds of music whether it be rock, country, pop or r&b it dosent matter I dress how I feel and converse are my favorite shoes. I wear my hair the way I want too and I dont care about fitting in with anyone because I love me and the people who don’t well that’s their personal problem. I will always be true to me and that’s all that matters. You don’t have to be like anyone except yourself remember that.

always always love you and don’t change yourself for anybody and I mean anybody you don’t have to fit in or be popular or do anything you don’t want too. I consider myself a loner because honestly i spend most of my days alone and I like it that way, yes I have a group of amazing friends in my life who except me for me (I grew up with them) they take me as I am and never try to change me, we’re all moms now with families and it’s pretty cool how life has changed us and made us who we are.

I say all this to say love being you, love being different and never change guys ever because your smile can change the world and you don’t have to be anybody but YOU.

self-love

Remember to always love YOU and put YOU first.

I wasn’t ease dropping on the conversation, however I was in a public bathroom and she basically put her business out there for the world sadly and now I’m sharing my thoughts and telling my own story in some way…

So, tonight I went out to eat with my family for my moms birthday weekend, it was a great dinner we had a great night but of course as were leaving we stop by the bathroom and I take my daughter in to change her that’s when I over heard a waitress on the phone with her boyfriend, everyone in the bathroom can hear her conversation she’s pleading and bagging her boyfriend not to leave her and to come get her from work and from her voice I can tell his telling her no witch isn’t what she wanted to hear, so she continues talking to him telling him she won’t do something again and a bunch of other things (it’s raining outside) so she was also asking him to bring her the car he was clearly saying no, finally her boss comes to the bathroom and tells her she needs to come back and finish waiting on tables then she proceeds to tell her boyfriend “I’m going to lose my job” before walking out finally.

This is why I always say self love is so so important even when your in a relationship because in order to love someone you must love yourself first always and I remember in past relationships not having that for myself so I put up with way more then I should have. It was very clear to me that this girl didn’t seem to have to much love for herself as she’s on the phone bagging her boyfriend and crying on the phone in a bathroom stall it Made me think how many women even some men deal with issues and put up with things like this because sometimes they feel that no one else will love them or that’s the only person they can get or they settle because of fear of moving on.

This post isn’t just about that waitress or her story that she honestly should of kept separate from her job but it’s for anyone out there who has ever been in situations like this and who have felt like they weren’t good enough. You have to realize sometimes we get in this situations because people portray to be one way and then once you get to know them better it’s a whole different story. When I was in my abusive relationship,I thought he was great in the beginning until I really got to know him and see that he wasn’t a good person he grew up in single parent home no father present and his mom did the best she could yes in some aspect I think that effected him a lot as he got older.( yes I also know not all people from single parent homes exhibit bad behaviors) truth is growing up I was a Hugh daddy’s girls I did everything with my dad he was the man I most admired but as i grew into a teenager our closeness kind of faded away and I sometimes feel that’s the reason I dated all the wrong guys

Also I’m not blaming everything on my dad part of this was ME too (we have a great relationship now)

I remember not having self love and it caused a lot of heartache for me in the long run. I wanna really say make sure you pick the right partner don’t get into a relationship because your lonely or because you think his a good guy but then he or she turns out not to be at all. Once you get that self love you won’t allow anyone to ever hurt you because you will love yourself enough to never accept anyone not loving you the right way. I know it’s hard because it took me years to love myself and I mean years and sometimes when it comes to my weight I still struggle with the self love part a little only because I’m always thinking I could be smaller but that’s a whole other story however when I met my current boyfriend he really taught me how a women should be treated he never calls me out my name, never disrespects me, we don’t argue and he loves me for me, well take that back we may have disagreements here and there but it dosent involve yelling and cursing each other out. It’s like you agree to disagree. (Kind of like the sky is blue nope it’s green) type of disagreements.

So, never settle, never love anyone before you (accept your children of course) never let someone make you feel like it’s your fault or belittle you and treat you less then what you are worth because somewhere out there someone is out there who is willing to love you for who you are and love you right. Some days i still look in the mirror and realize how far I’ve come from my past and how better I’ve gotten at loving me and the people around me and not settling because I’m worth being treated good.

Never beg someone to be in your life once they leave let them go because that chapter has ended and a new one will began and it will have a great ending..

Learn to love you and learn to take care of you first always and I pray and hope that waitress tonight finds that self love and makes better choices when it comes to dating because I’m sure she deserve the world but can’t see that yet but I’m sure one day she will.

Self love is the best kind of love as I always say ❤️

anxiety, Friday movies

Anxiety update + my favorite FRIDAY movies ðŸŽ¥

This post is a day late going up. I know it’s Saturday but this was made yesterday..(I’m not losing my mind yet 😂)

Good afternoon/evening guys it’s Friday and I couldn’t be more happier it’s a 3 day weekend plus kids going back to school what a weekend. (Well my daughters not in school yet) but to all parents who have kids in school I’m sure your looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to the fall weather moving back in witch means it’s time for sweaters, hot chocolate and watching the leaves fall. (Christmas will also be here soon) just though I would throw that out there too.

Anxiety update…

Ok guys so those of you who saw my post yesterday I was really upset because I had a bad panic attack at work and it kind of ruined my Thursday,I’m feeling a lot better today nothing bad has happened so far I’ve even gotten off work early, did some grocery shopping and now I’m back home relaxing and watching tv.

I’m still learning how to deal with my anxiety, every day is a new day. I’m always glad to know I’m not alone in these situations. I’ve also learned it’s ok to not be ok and medicine isn’t always the worse thing because it can actually help. I will definitely keep you guys posted on my anxiety and let you know anything going on with it, today’s a good day though so I’m going to choose happiness. 😊😀

Remember, if you need help or anything in your life gets too hard it’s ok to seek help it doesn’t mean your crazy or not capable of taking care of yourself but sometimes we all need somebody else to lean on. Your never alone and it will get better.

My favorite FRIDAY movies 🎥…

Ok guys so in honor of it being Friday, I thought giving you a list of my favorite Friday movies would be a lot of fun.

Let’s get started…

1. Friday the 13th-

So of course we all love this movie it’s a classic and Jason is one scary man not going to lie, I literally watch those movies with one eye open (ok a little exaggeration) but you get the point. Everyone loves a good horror movie though plus I kinda have always wanted to go to crystal lake (if it was real) to see if Jason will come out, I know crazy! Also I went to a lake once but no sign of Jason 🤷‍♀️ but I absolutely love this movie. Maybe I’ll even watch it tonight you never know.

2. Freaky Friday-

This movie is another classic, I love Lindsay Lohan and Jamie lee Curtis as mother and daughter and the best part about this movie is what would it really be like switching places with your mom, I don’t know how that would go but honestly it might be kind of cool to see what a day in the life of my mom would be like, also I love the fact that it shows you what life can be like when you put yourself in another persons shoes (another reason why we should judge too quick) if you have seen this movie go watch it’s really good they always have a new one coming out this year I believe it’s remade with new actresses. (I’m sure it’s still good though)

3. Friday-

Ok so most people know this classic movie with ice cube and Chris tucked it’s extremely funny and let’s you into the life of (ice cube) character “Craig” it’s a movie that some people can relate too and most people love because in some ways we can all relate, so if you like laughter and you want a movie that isn’t too serious but has some serious points/lessons in it then I suggest you watch this movie and get to know “Craig” and all his friends/family.

4.Friday night lights-

This is also another amazing movie, if you like football and coaches then this is the movie for you, it’s based in Texas where football is really a big deal also I’m a Dallas cowboys fan so this works for me(yes I know that’s not the team name in the movie ) just throwing that out there because I love Dallas. this was also a tv show witch I loved so much so sad when nbc cancelled it after 5 seasons 😦 I use to watch this all the time when I would go visit my grandpa. So go check this movie out guys I’m sure you will love it.

Check out my video.. there’s no video sorry… it won’t upload so check out my YouTube video this weekend instead.

Also guys, I wanted to attach a video to go with this blog, but unfortunately it wouldn’t upload so no video 😦 however I will be making a new video for my YouTube channel today and posting it this weekend so look out for it, I’ll probably do videos twice a week maybe. I’m definitely going to start posting more videos on here too. (Only if it uploads) will see.

Enjoy your Friday guys and your long 3 day weekend.

Motivating Yourself/accomplishing your goals

Finding motivation, accomplishing your goals and Doing what makes you happy

I’m always writing long post so this time, I wanted to switch it up a little and do something different by making a video instead, lately I’ve been stuck on being more motivated and trying to pursue other things in my life that are important to me and I wanna do so much more in my life. I literally get sad sometimes when I feel like I haven’t done enough it’s a lot of goals I wanna meet and I’m always putting that pressure on myself to do it all knowing I’m only one person and I can’t do it all unfortunately.

I know this is all a process and I know sometimes we set goals for ourselves that take more time then what we expect but I know I have to keep staying motivated and believe that I can accomplish anything I’ve set my mind too, so again this video/ post is about motivating yourself and accomplishing your goals always no matter what, so guys stay motivated and keep pushing because anything you wanna achieve or do in life is always possible.

This will probably be one of the many moments that I won’t write a long post instead I’ll let the video speak for me. Enjoy your Tuesday night we’re so close to Friday two more days we can do it.

Ps: sorry I looked rough it was one of those days, plus I hadn’t not too long got home so ignore the plain jane look. I’ll do better next time!

love

Loving others/judging less and learning to worry about you!

I see a lot of things on social media that absolutely drive me crazy but of course little old quiet me never says anything, social media can be a good thing sometimes and other times not so much but in 2018 it seems to have taken over our lives, even our kids are sucked into this world.

We see things online that bother us all the time, some people choose to ignore it, I’m one of those types and others choose to speak out against it. Someone might post something on twitter that really gets under your skin, someone on Instagram might post a picture that we don’t necessarily like or agree with. Trust me things like this are seen all the time but does it mean we always have to respond and put our two cents in always? We really don’t,we have the power to walk away we don’t have to type back nasty things to someone we don’t know, we don’t even have to like that picture that was posted that we feel isn’t appropriate.

Day in and day out I see the most craziest things happening online, the problem isn’t that person. the problem is us and how we choose to react to what that person is doing. The reality is it’s not our business to worry about what another person is doing. so we may not like it but it’s not our place to step in and say anything, now some people might feel different about this they may feel you should speak up on certain things and I completely agree with that,however saying things to a complete stranger isn’t going to change their behavior so instead we need to change our behavior on how we choose to react to them.

People are always going to do things we don’t agree with, they may say things that make no sense at all to you, you have to allow people to live their lives even when it’s not the way we choose to live ours. The world has so much judgment in it today and it’s honestly sad because you make one wrong move and that’s it people never forget that one mistake that you made, it may of happened two years ago but trust me someone is going to bring it up because they are not over your mistakes. Being a human bean we have to realize no one is perfect and to sit behind a computer screen and attack someone for their differences is crazy to me. (Even in person it’s still not ok) Stop judging people, stop acting like your god because your not and it’s not your place to act as if your better than another person, no one in this world is perfect but we all strive to try to be better daily for ourselves, our kids, our families or friends.

Everyone has a different story to tell you never know what they are going through what may go through that persons mind daily and bullying someone is never ok. It sounds harsh saying it especially out loud but worry about yourself more and your business and you won’t have to worry about what anyone else around you is doing. The world is crazy enough we should all be coming together as one not going against each other and trying to hurt one another.

Love your neighbor because sometimes all we really need is to be loved and to feel love coming from another person, let’s try to judge less and love more is all I’m saying.

❤️

self-love

Why self -love is so important/learning to love yourself.

So it’s Sunday and I wanna keep up with the theme of love, this topic is so important to me because I didn’t always love myself and I didn’t always like who I was and and it took me a really long time to realize that I was special and that I mattered. I grew up in a household where love was always shown(I’m an only child) my parents they raised me right they taught me right from wrong and I was spoiled of course so it was never a time where I didn’t feel loved or not wanted.

When I got older is when I started to struggle a little, I was being bullied in school kids would say your ugly, your fat, why do you look like that or act like that and I would come home crying, I used to beg my mom to put me in private school she would always say it will get better, it will be ok. I wanted it to be ok, I wanted those kids to leave me alone and stop picking at me but it wasn’t happening. I got to a point where I was skipping school and trying to leave early every day to avoid the kids who would pick on me eventually it started to get a little better but those words they stuck with me for a really long time.

I would stand in the full length mirror at home and wonder why I was so fat, I wanted to be smaller I was tired of feeling unattractive and over weight( I was bigger when I was in middle/high school) some of my family members would even pick at my weight they would tell me I should stop eating or how did I get that big, it use to hurt my feelings and I desperately wanted to be thin, I remember starving myself and not eating for days even going to the store to get diet pills, I was working out every day. I remember that same year I lost a lot of weight and dropped 4 pants sizes I was happy people were complimenting me and saying I looked good but still it wasn’t enough because inside I wasn’t happy with who I was at all.

I got tired of all the criticism, I was tired of trying to be what they wanted me to be. I remember crying out inside because I wanted a way out, the guy I was dating at the time told me I was going to far but in my mind it wasn’t far enough I started cutting myself to not feel the pain at all, no one knew anything I was feeling and I felt trapped and alone, between being bullied and not loving myself I was a mess, I spend more time trying to please the people around me then myself. I had to put an end to all the voices in my head and learn to love myself for me.

Once I started college all that changed, I didn’t feel so trapped or like I had to please anybody around me, I started making new friends and nobody was judging me or trying to change me, it was a good feeling to know for once that I could be myself. I started seeing the brighter side of things and realize that who was, was actually ok and I didn’t need to please anyone but myself. My life was finally the way I wanted/needed it to be with or without the approval of others-around me. The only only opinion I cared about was my own.

Loving yourself is the best thing you can ever do guys no matter what even if you’re in a relationship always remember to love you first, take care of you first and don’t let those outside voices get inside your head, it took me years to finally love myself and honestly some days I still struggle but I take it one day at a time also bullying is never ok and anyone who has dealt with that my heart goes out to you.

Your life is Important and you are loved never forget that don’t let any one ever tell you different. Once you start to love yourself things will get brighter and a lot better and you will see that you are amazing 😉

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9237282

Check this great site out.

what are you thankful for

What are you thankful for?

I feel a lot of times in life we get so caught up in our daily lives that we completely forget to be thankful for the things around us, everyone has been there when you have a bad day and your fed up and your wondering why me or why am I still here, we have to realized in those moments we have to be thankful for the things we do have and the things that god has given us. We have to be thankful for our families, friends, careers and another day of life. So many people out there aren’t always as lucky we always have to keep that in mind when frustrated be thankful for the life you do have because someone out there is wishing they had what you have. Let’s be thankful today and every day so today is thankful Sunday and I ask again what are you thankful for today?