One door closes, another one opens.

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It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

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It gets better :) (keep going)

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“This time won’t you save me, this time won’t you save me” the lyrics from an old nicki Minaj song “save me” are not stuck in my head as I lay across my bed thinking about todays events. It seems I’m closer and closer to edge as each day goes by.

Work is a complete mess, I’m over my manager and her list of demands, I’m over her need for me to be perfect, I’m over the girl who claims to be my friend, while running away scared when any situation occurs, I’m drowning on my own now. I keep telling myself it will be ok in the end, the endless times today wheee the words “I’m done, “I quit” crossed my mind too many times, it’s not worth the pain or agony anymore, it’s not worth wearing a fake smile everyday. It’s no longer about what’s Cherelle loves anymore it’s become a childish game now between who can win and of course she does every time.

I’ve been wondering what truly makes me happy, what truly keeps me going and the truth is my Job no longer fulfills me anymore, it’s funny because three years ago, I was bragging to the world about my new medical Job, I would of said, I’m never leaving now three years later the girl who is no longer and intern but a trained medical assistant, would rather be anywhere but there. I never though it would end this way. I’m fulfilled in every aspect of my life but not this part.

I’ve never wanted to get away more then today, I’m still wondering what it would be like living some where else where no one knew me would feel like, I’m still wondering what life would be like had I made other choices, I guess will never truly know unless an actual time machine was present too bad that only works in movies or tv shows. My friend called me tonight to talk me down and, I convinced her everything was fine, but it still doesn’t feel right. Will it ever? Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid and pray for the best.

I’m learning more and more, some things never change. neither do people, the good part is you can choose who to surround yourself with and it does not have to always be negative. I still wanna be that little girl again with no care in the world, no bills no Job just living life and enjoying being a kid in school, I look at my daughter and smile because she is what keeps me going she is my sane place. I do everything for her and that means the show must go on. I pray for the people who are hurt and hurt others, I pray for the world and hope that no matter what goes on it will all get better and even though things seem crazy right now for me I’m still going to keep going because it will get better.

Follow your heart and your dreams, never let anyone bring you down and if your unhappy in your career, relationships or with something in your life change it, that’s what I’m going to do. Enjoy your Wednesday night I’m off to bed with my music and my thoughts.

Tuesday’s thoughts..

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Today was a long day and now I’m left tired and racing with thoughts, my co workers don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. I wish going on a vacation could happen soon. I’m tired of all the at work negativity. Im trying my best to stay positive to not let it all break me. I have to keep telling myself it will all be ok, it’s hard telling someone who deals with anxiety and depression that it will be ok, that your old ways won’t creep back in. It’s taking everything in me to not to let the negative thoughts come back.

My weight issues don’t help much either, my dad worries about everything I eat, either I’m eating too much or not what he wants me to eat, I get it I’m the “fat” daughter now because I’m not the small size 7 anymore, but it still hurts because, I’m sticking to my meal plan I’ve been anti sweets and I’m trying this time. It seems like the world can’t see it thought, what more do they want from me? It’s not like the girl in the mirror is the girl, I want to be. I take the countless comments from family and friends while crying in private, I get it no one is perfect, tell the girl in the mirror that the one who haunts me daily because she does not feel good enough.

I wake up to the same routine, rushing out the door to get to the same Job and do the usual things, everyone has a problem and I’m the one they run to, I’m the one picking up the phones all day trying to help as many patients as I can. I won’t lie it’s draining day in and day out but it’s the Career that I’ve chosen for me the career of helping others, but oh wait who’s going to help me, who’s going to save me? You forget about yourself when everyone around you starts to come first. Your mind starts to spin and the next thing you know, you have landed on the floor trying to figure it all out.

I have it all together, that’s what I’m telling myself everyday. I keep pushing and striving for all my goals evens when it hurts. The demands never seem to end each day is something new or something different. My pastor preaches about being nice to others treating everyone equal sometimes it’s hard when it’s all coming at me at once when people expect so much out of you. The inner part of me wants to scream “that’s enough” but instead I bite my tongue as always and pretend it’s not bothering me, I have to wear a fake smile and keep going even when the medication does not feel like enough even when the world seems too much.

Today could of been better but as always I’m praying for a better tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoys their Tuesday night and try not to let anyone bring you down also thanks for allowing me to share my feelings it’s tough sometimes but remember we can’t let our mental illness win. We can do it!

What makes you happy!

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This is my challenge for you today, figure out what makes you happy and no materialistic things. Think about the positive and what makes you smile and what makes you feel alive and keeps you going everyday.

1. My daughter

2.my career

3.love for god

Those are the three things that make me the happiest in this world. So now I’m challenging you to think of your happiness. Enjoy your Sunday ❤️ think happy thoughts and start to see positive results.

Sunday “my happy place”

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I woke up this morning excited for church but also excited for another day of life. I feel great knowing my anxiety is in check, my depression isn’t nearly as bad and mostly everything in my life for the most part feels in order.

I still weep for the people out there who still don’t know where their next meal is coming from or don’t know where their life is heading next. I’m always watching the homeless people that stand on the side of the road asking for food or money. I wonder about their back stories and what keeps them going everyday. My co worker always stops to give them money she has a good heart and she would help the whole world if she could.

I wish, I could save everyone who wanted to give up on life and let them know it’s going to be ok, the countless stories of suicide all over the news makes me sad, I wonder what led them to that place and why no one intervened to help. The deeper that, I get into church and my religion, I’m starting to understand more about people and also the changes that,I need to make within myself. I get it no ones life is perfect not even mine some days are better than others. I try to stay above it all and not think too much on the negative.

Life can put you in dark spaces sometimes, believe me I’ve been there countless times, where I wonder why I’m still here and when it would get better, going from the girl who cried everyday to now being able to deal with my problems better is an accomplishment for me. I continue pushing no matter how hard life gets. It’s never easy but it’s always worth it, I will always believe that it’s ways to get around my anxiety. sometimes I’m often wondering will I be on medicine for the rest of my life or will the day come where it’s no longer needed, honestly it’s become safe for me to be on medication then without it. Some function better when they are medicine free me on the other hand it helps a lot.

I hope everyone will have a wonderful Sunday keep praying for better days and keep a positive mind, God will guide you and get you through the next steps in your life. It may seem hard today but believe me it does get better. So to anyone struggling, know I’m here for you and please don’t give up.

Losing you.

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I watched her every day, I watched her lose herself more and more, she stumbles to find the balance between reality and what isn’t real, She walks down this long road she calls life. She wants to smile but her smile has been broken down by everyday life. She longs to be loved, she longs for the boy who said he would always be there to actually show it, she screams out in anger, she’s carrying his child but does he care? No, he instead pretends her cries don’t matter and day in and day out she pretends to be happy, she pretends she’s ok and no one knows the truth behind her eyes no one sees the pain she endures.

She never asked for any of this she never asked to be a single parent. She never asked to be doing it all alone. “Do you even care” she yells out but of course she knows the answer to that already, he will never know the countless nights she sat up alone with a baby, the countless cries she had to endure. It was an embarrassment when she looked around to see all her friends happy with their relationship and to see hers crumbling. I knew he was no good for me so, why did I pick him, why did I trust him what made him so different? She was lost and he was there to pick up the pieces.

She never wanted to get hurt, she never wanted to get caught in his lies or games but it happened. She looks back every day and she smiles now because he no longer has a hold on her, he no longer can control her and he no longer can make her feel bad anymore. She stands tall with her beautiful daughter, great career and amazing people around her. It will always be ok, it will always get better, she now knows that.

For anyone out there don’t ever allow anyone to have a hold on you or take your happiness. You are beautiful and loved and life gets better. Stay positive!

Life is short..

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Sitting here in my room alone and thinking with my thoughts running all over the place it hits me how short life is and how we take it for granted most days. I was at work earlier when CNN decided to alert my phone to tell me about the death of Kristof St John who plays “Neil Winters” on the young and restless. I’m in utter shock only because it hits me that life is so damn short also being that he spoke so openly about his sons suicide in 2014 and spoke on his on issues with mental health causing him to take a break from the show for a while, I’m not exactly sure where his mind set was or even if he had a mental illness either way it eats me up inside to know someone who I’ve been watching since a child is now gone.

Mental illness somehow always gets swept under the rug and always goes un noticed on some people’s parts, all I can think about is how I’ve been lately and how my mental illness has taken control. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve been lately and I hate it to be honest, everyone around me continues to tell me it’s the medicine but wait no maybe it’s me, maybe my anxiety and depression is flaring back up. I’m on edge, I’m angry, I’m sad, and emotional and restless and I can’t remember the last time I actually slept well. My doctor is always telling me the same thing over and over “you can get better, take your medicine every day, I’ll see you in a month” the same old crap don’t get me wrong I’ve grown to like my doctor a lot but at the same time when will this all end for me, when will I be medicine free, when will this stop taking control of me.

I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of pretending to be ok all the time, my boyfriend says “babe, somethings off about you” I know it’s true so I can’t deny it but at the same time what can I do 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying so hard to fight this, I’m trying so hard to understand it all. I need to go back to see my therapist, but hell would she even accept me, in my eyes I can’t be helped and I’m needing some guidance. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it but haven’t found my way out yet. I won’t give up on myself, I won’t let this take me down. I’m going to find my smile again and I’m going to be that happy girl again.

Please to anyone out there feeling like there’s no way out, get help please and know that you are loved. tel:1-800-273-8255 call this number for help. You are not alone and you are loved, please be safe.