anxiety, weight loss/Healthy food choices

Weight loss update|Life!

I’m so sorry guys, I know I was suppose to update a couple of days ago, well life caught me and I got busy 😩 but I’m back today. I have been working on my weight loss as you can tell by previous post and let’s just say it’s working so well I have to credit it to hard work but also www.sparkpeople.com yes this app has helped me so much with eating right and the recipes are great. So I started off at 139 and I’m now 133. (After I had my daughter I was 145 and then got in to the 130’s but gained my weight back) I was shocked when I stepped on the scale and seen that. I wanna keep going to get down to 122. I literally haven’t been that small since 2014 also guys make sure your doing it healthy don’t do anything crazy to lose weight. I literally eat 3 meals a day and when I do snack it’s always something healthy. I will keep you posted on more of my weight loss and also on once I hit my goal weight how I’ll maintain it. I haven’t been going to the gym as much either here lately so gotta get back on track with that.

Life..

Ok so my life has been pretty ok, I still feel sad sometimes and depressed here and there and my job tends to give me a hell of a lot of anxiety here lately so I’m still in the process of looking for another job trying to be positive about it all. Once I get my new insurance I’m also going to start back seeing my therapist so that should be interesting, the goal here is to not allow my anxiety to take over but it’s hard some days are better then others. I still have those moments where being alone is all I want to do. I get invited to so many events or places and turn them down because I’m so use to being alone and I’ve become such a loner to be honest so I’m working on getting out the house more and trying to be more social but sometimes it’s like no thanks I’ll stay home today. Well it’s Saturday so I’ll get out for a little while today I’m taking my daughter out for shopping to get her more clothes and I’m going to do some Christmas shopping (I know it’s early but I rather start now then late) I always do my shopping early.

I still wanna get away but where the hell would I go? I still wish starting over was an option well maybe it still is but geez do I really wanna move away and leave my friends and family behind? Sometimes I do and it’s nothing they did it’s mostly me. It’s like when you have it all it still doesn’t feel like enough or it feels like it should be different and then you think about all the people in the world who are worse off then you and it’s like I probably should stop complaining and suck it up. My mind is always wondering and going into so many different thoughts and scenarios. I’m the happiest when I’m around positivity and around a people who matter to me. “it will get better” my boyfriend says to me every day he says “your dream job will come” I wanna believe that, Hell I want to believe that my sadness will go away and that I will fulfill all the goals that I have too. Some times when I talk to people they say “oh so your just sad about your job” and I’m thinking no it’s way way deeper then that. I wish I could fully explain it but it’s hard to explain and I don’t like opening up to people who clearly will not understand what I’m going through or what I’m dealing with.

I won’t explain to you why I don’t show up for things or why I do some of the things that I do because in all honestly Half the time I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I’m honestly still a work in progress but anyway enough of my rambling and venting I gotta go get myself ready to head out soon so again I’ll be back soon with another post. (Not about my weight or anxiety) something different for a change.

Enjoy your weekend 🙂

anxiety

My mind lately..

I’ve been quiet lately again, honestly haven’t had much to say so I kept quiet for a while but now I’m like well let’s talk might as well tell you where my mind is at.

My feelings..

My mood has been all over the place lately it’s like I’m fighting between being ok and actually really being ok, I feel depressed/sad/anxiety/numb/I don’t even know but my emotions are all over the place and I’m trying to keep it together for my own sanity. I’m dealing with a lot mentally and internally honestly and I haven’t really spoke on it, I mostly been distant because I don’t know what to say and when I do wanna say it, it’s like well maybe I should keep quiet and not say anything.

My thoughts..

My thoughts consume me a lot more lately I’m always over thinking and trying to believe that it will all be ok, I’m at a cross roads in my career where I’m like what the hell is next? And then I’m also like I love what I do for a living but currently hate the office I’m at it’s not like I’m not grateful for the opportunity, i was fresh out of school when I got this great opportunity they could of picked Anyone for the job but it was me they wanted and I was thrilled at the time but now two years later I sit here and I’m burnt out and miserable, I want something different and I want to not have to drive and hour everyday to work and home. I like my co workers we have our moments but I’ve grown some what close to them and would miss them but I have to do what’s best for me at this point and the best thing is to leave and start fresh.

What keeps me going..

Honestly at this point the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, family and my boyfriend but even sometimes it’s hard to wear a smile around them and pretend I’m ok but it’s deeper then that my mind is like a one track race sometimes it’s positive and other times it feeds me so much negativity. I think I’m tired of fighting, I think in my heart happiness is truly all I want I mean I have it in my personal life to a certain extent but is that really enough? I need more, I need to feel ok again. The weird part is I keep going through spells where I’m ok and other moments where I’m not and I’m not sure what is causing it. I blame a lot on my anxiety but sometimes I truly believe I’m depressed too and that’s hard for me to admit.

Conclusion..

I’m going to be ok even thought it dosent seem that way, I will be ok. I’ll keep repeating that into existence. I’ve been fighting the urge to see my therapist it’s like do I really want her to see what a mess I’ve become or do I keep dealing with my emotions in silence and wearing a fake smile so the world won’t know anything. Anyway guys I’m going to try to do better with my blogs I really am. I know I keep doing these disappearing acts but I promise to get better. Enjoy your Monday nights and I’ll now be off to relax and watch tv.

mental health

This truly makes me sad..

I try to always keep a level head, I try to see everyone’s point of view and I try not to do the whole back and fourth arguing with people because it gets us no where. It truly saddens me and breaks my heart to see people with mental illnesses shaming other people who have mental illnesses like what the hell? How dare someone who suffers shame another person dealing with the same thing. You cannot tell someone else’s story when your not in that persons shoes.

People always say to me “oh you look so happy”, “your always so pulled together” or “are you ever sad” the truth is so much goes through my head daily I’m happy some days other days I’m depressed and my anxiety is all over the place but whenever I’m around people they would never know because I’m so good at covering it up and not letting anyone know I’m broken. People have to realize you can be happy or come off happy to others and still not be ok. Last weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I was telling him a story on how I was driving and I had this image of a cliff and I was falling off the cliff and my (child’s father) was on the top and he was holding on to my hand and I was so miserable and wanted to get away from him in my mind, I wanted him to let me fall. The whole time I’m telling my boyfriend this story he was in shock he couldn’t believe that my mind went to that place. Certain things/people can trigger my anxiety so bad and those are the people I cannot be around.

I was on twitter last night and someone who suffered from depression stated that a friend saw them out and said “you don’t look depressed to me” then it started the question in the comments “what does depression, look like?” The answer to that is clear, depression doesn’t have a look to it someone can be so happy and still be miserable at the same time. It’s not nice or kind to try to diagnose someone or tell them what they have or don’t have you may not understand what that person is going through but it doesn’t give you the right to judge them or make them feel even worse about it. Treat others the way you want someone to treat you.

I feel like some people get picked on over and over for things they have done or not done and it’s not ok, you have to realize someone with a mental illness does not have the same mind set as someone who doesn’t so to those who don’t get it at all, I suggest you educate yourself or start off by asking questions before you jump to conclusions or start diagnosing someone. Everyone’s mind is different and everyone thinks differently but it doesn’t make them not human we all bleed the same, we all feel the same pain we’re a lot more alike then different in some ways. I also will say please don’t jump on the bandwagon, I hate when I read a comment that’s negative online and then a bunch of other people will comment negativity and in my mind, I’m like aren’t you the same person who wrote something positive a minute ago like please have a mind of your own is all I’m saying even if it means standing alone. “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything” great quote by Alexander Hamilton and it speaks volumes especially for the society we live in today.

I speak on mental illness so much now since starting this blog, because I’m realizing how important it is and that everyone needs a voice to be heard, it was always important to me but I never really had a platform to speak about it on and now with my blogging, I can use my voice and stand for what I believe in. My biggest thing is more people should be educated on it so when situations arise they know how to handle them or they aren’t mis informed. I see so much bullying when it comes to these type of stigmas and it’s sad because we should be coming together not being against one another. I wanna continue to use my voice and speak on my experiences and hopefully it will help others.

It’s Sunday it’s relaxation day so I won’t keep going on with my rant but I’m sure you get the point so display some love today and relax before work Monday. I’m off to the store with my daughter now ✌️😊

anxiety

How I deal with my anxiety and what helps me get through the tough times.

I’ve had anxiety for a couple of years now it first started in college when the stress of school, a relationship, family and friends became way too much for me. I started noticing the changes in myself, I was sad one minute, happy the next and the littlest things caused me to have a break down, i remember calling my mom from school crying on the phone telling her I didn’t know what was happening to me.

She managed to calm me down and I told her what was going on with me she told me that it was time to go see my doctor, I walked into his office not knowing what to expect for a second in my mind all I could think was “what if he thinks I’m crazy” I sat patiently in the waiting area until I was finally called back, he greeted me with a smile and hand shake that let me know it was going to be ok. I told him everything that was bothering me and how my emotions were all over the place, my chest was constantly hurting and I felt shortness of breath. I went into deeper detail telling him about the many black outs I experienced, how my body would go completely numb and it scared me because I didn’t feel in control of anything.

He looked at me and explained that I was suffering from anxiety/panic attacks he said that it was something ,I would deal with through out my life but their are ways to manage it. I sat back in the chair hoping for some big solution to a problem that had been plaguing me for months. “I think you should take some medication” we’re the next words that came out his mouth, I wasn’t crazy and I didn’t need any pill to help me what was he trying to say. I sat back nodded my head and allowed him to do his job but I was angry inside because just as I suspected he must think I’m crazy.

I walked out of the office more confused now but yes I did fill the prescription, i started taking the anxiety/depression meds everyday it helped me a lot but I didn’t feel like myself I was happy but was that really me? Or was it the meds making me be something I clearly wasn’t so eventually I stopped taking the medicine and I was fine for a while but once again I got triggered by something and I had to get back on my meds, I took them for a while again and then I stopped (this was recently/a month ago) I’m now here to say I’m off my meds again but I’m doing ok for now, yes some days are hard, things will happen and I never know how to deal with them but I take each day one day at a time and I pray 🙏

My mom is my go to for a lot of this she has been my rock and continues to help me daily deal with my anxiety she always knows what to say and how to calm me, some people around me don’t always know how to deal with it sometimes my boyfriend will say “why can’t you just relax, why can’t you not get so upset over the little things” but I explained to him a person that has anxiety does not see it that way and it’s harder for us to get over things and go back to normal, it all takes time it’s a process but with hard work and a positive mind it’s possible to get through it.

I say to anyone out there dealing with anxiety or any mental health issues you are loved and appreciated, you can get through this and it gets easier don’t let this take you over. Your life is precious, take it one day at a time and it will get easier.

What helps me: getting out the house, doing something that I love, surrounding myself around amazing people that love me and my beautiful daughter.

Signs of anxiety/depression:

Symptoms

Common anxiety signs and symptoms include:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

• Sweating

• Trembling

• Feeling weak or tired

• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry

• Having trouble sleeping

• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems

• Having difficulty controlling worry

• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

If you see/notice this in anyone you know reach

out and help them we may not say we need help

but it doesn’t mean we don’t want it.

Great site to help others dealing with anxiety

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961