mental health

This truly makes me sad..

I try to always keep a level head, I try to see everyone’s point of view and I try not to do the whole back and fourth arguing with people because it gets us no where. It truly saddens me and breaks my heart to see people with mental illnesses shaming other people who have mental illnesses like what the hell? How dare someone who suffers shame another person dealing with the same thing. You cannot tell someone else’s story when your not in that persons shoes.

People always say to me “oh you look so happy”, “your always so pulled together” or “are you ever sad” the truth is so much goes through my head daily I’m happy some days other days I’m depressed and my anxiety is all over the place but whenever I’m around people they would never know because I’m so good at covering it up and not letting anyone know I’m broken. People have to realize you can be happy or come off happy to others and still not be ok. Last weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I was telling him a story on how I was driving and I had this image of a cliff and I was falling off the cliff and my (child’s father) was on the top and he was holding on to my hand and I was so miserable and wanted to get away from him in my mind, I wanted him to let me fall. The whole time I’m telling my boyfriend this story he was in shock he couldn’t believe that my mind went to that place. Certain things/people can trigger my anxiety so bad and those are the people I cannot be around.

I was on twitter last night and someone who suffered from depression stated that a friend saw them out and said “you don’t look depressed to me” then it started the question in the comments “what does depression, look like?” The answer to that is clear, depression doesn’t have a look to it someone can be so happy and still be miserable at the same time. It’s not nice or kind to try to diagnose someone or tell them what they have or don’t have you may not understand what that person is going through but it doesn’t give you the right to judge them or make them feel even worse about it. Treat others the way you want someone to treat you.

I feel like some people get picked on over and over for things they have done or not done and it’s not ok, you have to realize someone with a mental illness does not have the same mind set as someone who doesn’t so to those who don’t get it at all, I suggest you educate yourself or start off by asking questions before you jump to conclusions or start diagnosing someone. Everyone’s mind is different and everyone thinks differently but it doesn’t make them not human we all bleed the same, we all feel the same pain we’re a lot more alike then different in some ways. I also will say please don’t jump on the bandwagon, I hate when I read a comment that’s negative online and then a bunch of other people will comment negativity and in my mind, I’m like aren’t you the same person who wrote something positive a minute ago like please have a mind of your own is all I’m saying even if it means standing alone. “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything” great quote by Alexander Hamilton and it speaks volumes especially for the society we live in today.

I speak on mental illness so much now since starting this blog, because I’m realizing how important it is and that everyone needs a voice to be heard, it was always important to me but I never really had a platform to speak about it on and now with my blogging, I can use my voice and stand for what I believe in. My biggest thing is more people should be educated on it so when situations arise they know how to handle them or they aren’t mis informed. I see so much bullying when it comes to these type of stigmas and it’s sad because we should be coming together not being against one another. I wanna continue to use my voice and speak on my experiences and hopefully it will help others.

It’s Sunday it’s relaxation day so I won’t keep going on with my rant but I’m sure you get the point so display some love today and relax before work Monday. I’m off to the store with my daughter now ✌️😊

Addiction

The truth, I never told!

So many things have happened in my life and I’ve kept them bottled up scared and fearful of the outcome but in doing this blog I’m finding out it’s easier to talk about the things that I’ve never said out loud so I wanna walk in my truth and tell a story that has never really been told so in a previous post I talked about my abusive relationship but it goes deeper then that.

Before I go to deep..

The idea for doing this kind of post came from me watching a show on Vice-land called “dope sick nation” it’s such a good show about the drug epidemic in Florida, it features two people Allie and Frankie who are trying to help addicts get clean and in to rehab it’s such a good show it will keep you on your toes and yes grab a tissue because it will make you cry at some scenes so please go check this show out it comes on every Wednesday at 9 or 10 I believe so go check your local channel listings for it.

Let’s get started..

I use to watch my ex all the time he seemed so put together but he wasn’t at all, he would drink now and then and I would drink with him sometimes and in the beginning I never saw any drug problems until one day he had friends over and I saw him start popping pills it shocked me at first and I asked him did he do this all the time he laughed and said no here and there so I believe him but as time went on he would always call his “dealer” to come over and bring him whatever he needed he would pay him 100 dollars sometimes even more for pills to snort or take to feel high all the time.

His world vs mine..

I tried my best to understand him and understand why he was like this but at the time I couldn’t. We spent many nights indulging in alcohol he even had me taking his pills, the difference was he was addicted and I wasn’t. I could stop anytime I wanted, he couldn’t it was obvious. the many days he spent sick when he didn’t have his prescription pills or his alcohol he would ponder back and fourth around the house trying to figure out how he could call someone and how he could get more alcohol and more pills. I remember every weekend feeling like a party everyone he hung out with was hooked on something and it was nothing new to them. I was lost in a world that I clearly knew nothing about it and it scared me.

His friend..

He has a friend that was hooked on every drug you could think of but of course it was normal to them, he would come over and talk to us now and then, he would talk about wanting to get out start Fresh how he was tired of the lifestyle he wanted out, he eventually went off to rehab and once he was back home he got sucked in to the lifestyle again this time was different. I remember getting a phone call from my ex telling me his friend had passed away apparent drug over dose he seemed scared like maybe he wanted to change his life around maybe he wanted to do better.

The outcome..

I honestly don’t know weather he is still doing drugs because we no longer speak but I can say I have not drink alcohol(I drink wine but nothing past that) or taking any pills since we broke up in 2015/2016 so yes addiction is real guys and to anyone out there dealing with someone on drugs please be patient with that person and try to help them the best way you know how, addiction is not easy and someone will not change unless they are ready to change remember that, you can still be there for them.

I’ve never told this story out loud before so I’m glad it’s out now and I hope it helps someone out there, please love yourself guys and also I’m sorry this is going up late I’ve been out of town all weekend.

anxiety

Why I been M.I.A/dealing with my anxiety.

First I want to apologize for my absence so much has been going on in my personal life it’s been a rough crazy week, I’ve missed blogging so much it was fun to blog twice a day or once but lately I haven’t been in to it due to personal things going on in my life but I have not forgotten about my blog and will be back to blogging again every day very soon.

Life..

Life has been super crazy for me lately I’m in one of those spells where I wanna shut the world out and be alone in my own little world so I’ve been taking time for myself trying to figure everything out and gather my thoughts. I’m searching for that happy spot right now and i haven’t exactly hit the mark at the moment. I want to go off to an island where no one knows my name and start fresh that would be nice honestly. My thoughts have been racing like crazy and my mind is literally on 10 these past couple of days. It’s hard to process everything to be honest. I have to get back to myself and honestly I don’t know when that will be.

Anxiety..

My anxiety was doing so well and I was proud of myself because things were going great however now it’s back to not being so great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of panic and amongst other things but I won’t let that break me as always, I will survive! I Just need some time to process it all and I will be back to myself so I’ll be taking some much needed down time away and when I come back things will be 100% better and I will be able to blog again like before.

Conclusion..

I will be back to blogging soon, first I have to take care of myself and figure out what’s best for me. I miss this blogging thing so much I really do but I have to get my mind right back first before anything. I’ve posted a few new videos on my YouTube channel so you should go check them out if you wanna see what I’ve been up too. I can’t wait to come back and be better then ever. Enjoy your weekend and do what makes you happy always, I’ll be back soon!

anxiety

Dealing with emotions/Panic and anxiety.

Guys I’m doing 100% better, needed to vent, everything is good now. I even spoke with my mom and she helped me feel better, there’s no ill feelings towards my co workers either. I had a bad anxiety moment ( still not sure what triggered it) but I feel a lot better(this was written hours ago) just now deciding to post it.

Today has started off so weird for me, I had a great morning everything appeared to be going right, then all of a sudden my co worker says something to me not in a mean way but I kind of took it that way. I went back into my office and started crying and I’m still unsure as to why it made me so upset or mad but Sometimes my job as much as I love it can cause me a lot of stress, it also feels like most times I’m being pulled in so many different directions and being told so many different things that it can be overwhelming.

I wake up everyday I’m always in a good mood, today was suppose to be a good day and it still can be,however now my body feels weird my chest is hurting me and I feel like I wanna be alone and away from everyone. My anxiety usually makes me feel like this at a times, I try my best not to let my anxiety or my emotions get the best of me but sometimes it happens because I’m human. I never like when little things happen to me and it sets me back from being in control of everything going on and as I sit here in my office I’m still wondering what could of triggered my reaction or caused me to get so upset.

I don’t wanna alarm my co workers and I don’t wanna confront anybody because even I’m not sure why this has happened maybe i got a little overwhelmed or maybe something is bothering me that’s now starting to come out, do you ever get so emotional or worked up and then forget what happens or why it even happened? I know I cannot be the only one. I hate feeling sad inside or feeling like no one understands what’s going on through my mind but of course we all know no one can read minds. My anxiety has now been triggered and I’ll have to deal with the after math.

So I’ll go ahead and be honest I feel “crazy” as in what the hell is going on with me and is this normal. I feel the need to grab my anxiety meds to help me but at the same time I’ve done so good without them, so of course I can’t back track. I wanna call my mom because she normally knows what to say or how to talk me down ,maybe even call my boyfriend but I know they are both at work and busy, maybe I’m over reacting and need to relax, take a deep breath and it will all go back to normal.

I know this post has a lot of me rambling on thanks for reading and listening, yes these are my thoughts at the current moment, I’m glad I got to vent and write them down, by the way writing this I am not mad at anyone (just wanted to express my current feelings) and if anyone out there is dealing with anxiety or any mental illness know that you are not alone and that you are loved and it’s going to get better.

Also I’m debating in my mind on posting this or deleting this so this may not get seen until Friday guys sorry.

I’ll figure it out thanks for reading and going on this crazy journey with me, gotta get back to work now ✌️

anxiety

How I deal with my anxiety and what helps me get through the tough times.

I’ve had anxiety for a couple of years now it first started in college when the stress of school, a relationship, family and friends became way too much for me. I started noticing the changes in myself, I was sad one minute, happy the next and the littlest things caused me to have a break down, i remember calling my mom from school crying on the phone telling her I didn’t know what was happening to me.

She managed to calm me down and I told her what was going on with me she told me that it was time to go see my doctor, I walked into his office not knowing what to expect for a second in my mind all I could think was “what if he thinks I’m crazy” I sat patiently in the waiting area until I was finally called back, he greeted me with a smile and hand shake that let me know it was going to be ok. I told him everything that was bothering me and how my emotions were all over the place, my chest was constantly hurting and I felt shortness of breath. I went into deeper detail telling him about the many black outs I experienced, how my body would go completely numb and it scared me because I didn’t feel in control of anything.

He looked at me and explained that I was suffering from anxiety/panic attacks he said that it was something ,I would deal with through out my life but their are ways to manage it. I sat back in the chair hoping for some big solution to a problem that had been plaguing me for months. “I think you should take some medication” we’re the next words that came out his mouth, I wasn’t crazy and I didn’t need any pill to help me what was he trying to say. I sat back nodded my head and allowed him to do his job but I was angry inside because just as I suspected he must think I’m crazy.

I walked out of the office more confused now but yes I did fill the prescription, i started taking the anxiety/depression meds everyday it helped me a lot but I didn’t feel like myself I was happy but was that really me? Or was it the meds making me be something I clearly wasn’t so eventually I stopped taking the medicine and I was fine for a while but once again I got triggered by something and I had to get back on my meds, I took them for a while again and then I stopped (this was recently/a month ago) I’m now here to say I’m off my meds again but I’m doing ok for now, yes some days are hard, things will happen and I never know how to deal with them but I take each day one day at a time and I pray 🙏

My mom is my go to for a lot of this she has been my rock and continues to help me daily deal with my anxiety she always knows what to say and how to calm me, some people around me don’t always know how to deal with it sometimes my boyfriend will say “why can’t you just relax, why can’t you not get so upset over the little things” but I explained to him a person that has anxiety does not see it that way and it’s harder for us to get over things and go back to normal, it all takes time it’s a process but with hard work and a positive mind it’s possible to get through it.

I say to anyone out there dealing with anxiety or any mental health issues you are loved and appreciated, you can get through this and it gets easier don’t let this take you over. Your life is precious, take it one day at a time and it will get easier.

What helps me: getting out the house, doing something that I love, surrounding myself around amazing people that love me and my beautiful daughter.

Signs of anxiety/depression:

Symptoms

Common anxiety signs and symptoms include:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

• Sweating

• Trembling

• Feeling weak or tired

• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry

• Having trouble sleeping

• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems

• Having difficulty controlling worry

• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

If you see/notice this in anyone you know reach

out and help them we may not say we need help

but it doesn’t mean we don’t want it.

Great site to help others dealing with anxiety

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961