One door closes, another one opens.

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It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

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Keep going..

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Does it ever get better, or do we stay in the same place forever, do tears fall forever or do they eventually stop? When do smiles become real and not something we do in the moment to make others around us think we’re ok, I’ve never though it would be like this, never thought my anxiety and depression would get this bad. I’m trying to remember what happiness felt like or what it felt like to actually wear a smile that was actually genuine. I’m sitting here listening to “sad” by xxxtentacion for those of you who don’t know he was a rapper who was killed in 2018 and in my opinion made some pretty good music. (Rip) to him.

I feel like it’s never going to be ok again, the medication isn’t enough anymore and all the positive thoughts have slowly drifted away. It’s like waking up Everyday to do the same thing over and over going to a job you hate, dealing with the typical oft drama between co workers and realizing you can’t trust anyone. Not only that looking for a job so far has been crazy I’m still waiting for more interviews to pour in so for now I’m stuck in the same spot. I’ve decided today that if nothing changes by the end of the month I’m done with my job my sanity and happiness has to be first and right now with the multiple panic attacks and depression my health has to come first.

Not to mention the car accident I got in over the weekend and honestly my faith has been so shaken lately I’m starting to wonder if god even believes in me anymore, I went from praying everyday and believing it would all be ok to now, not even being sure anymore. It’s sad when you look around and you can’t even trust people you thought you could. I’m learning that the only person Cherelle has is herself, her family and the close friends she grew up with and I hate to sound harsh but This girl dosent want anymore new friends. I try to be nice and bring new people around me but every time they stab me in the back and I’m done with that.

I feel like I’m on a road to recovery and I’m struggling right now to get myself together the only thing that is going right is my weight lose, my new nutritionist is amazing she has me on a low carb diet and it’s working great for me I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week and I feel amazing so I’m looking forward to the weight continuing to drop, so if your trying to lose weight keep pushing and don’t give up. I’m sorry for being away so long it’s always hard for me to write blogs when I’m not in a good state of mind, it’s been a rough few weeks but I’m trying to hang in there. I’m not going to let my mental health take over too much.

Side note: I had a mini anxiety attack today lots of tears lots of things needing to be released and that was much needed, I’m tempted to call my therapist or my doctor but I don’t wanna worry anybody I think I’ve worried my mom and boyfriend enough today. I’m trying to keep this smile going let’s hope the next smile I wear is real.

Enjoy your Monday night, and remember to keep going even when it gets tough!

Standing strong..

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I’m sorry for not being as present again, I’ve been dealing with so much lately and it has taken a Hugh toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling really bad with my mental health and trying to stay above it all and when things get tough it’s hard for me to want to do anything to be honest.

My job-

Has been pure hell lately, my office manager is horrible and mean and beats me down daily she even treats the patients like crap and the worse part is my dr can’t even see the things she does he thinks she’s perfect as always. I’ve been majorly depressed behind working there lately. I’m constantly being picked at about everything. It’s been so hard lately but I do have some good news I had a job interview Friday and I have another one Monday so keeping my fingers crossed that someone will hire me soon.

My weight-

It’s no secret I’ve gained some weight, I won’t get in to detail about how much or what lead to it, I’m in the process of trying to get help with that, I meet my new nutritionist on August 30 so we can discuss my new meal plan. I’m looking forward to getting back to my old self again. I also wish people didn’t body shame others or make them feel bad that’s never ok, please don’t body shame or make fun of anyone for the way they are. It really bothers me that people actually think it’s ok to tell someone they gained weight or tell them what they need to do in order to lose it, I didn’t ask for your opinion so please keep it, I already know what needs to be done and will handle it on my own when I’m ready.

My dad-

I love my dad, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately though at all, it’s hard for me to stay here sometimes especially when things are so crazy I’m dealing with work drama and then dealing with my dad does not help either sometimes. Its been crazy because getting beat down at work and then coming home to my dad basically doing the same things is killing me honestly. I wish my dad knew how to actually talk to me instead of talking at me. I know that’s how some dads are but it’s hard to have a conversation like that when I’m feeling defensive the whole time and it leads to me being sad and of course trying to figure out what to do next. Don’t get me wrong parents are a blessing but sometimes I’m not sure they exactly know how to talk with us sometimes.

Depression-

Being sad and crying all the time has started again, it went away but now it’s back again and I’m finding Myself crying every week now and being miserable. It’s hard when things get like this because the only thing my mind wants to do is shut down from the world and block everyone out. I try to keep going for my daughter but it’s been tough. My mental state could be better but it’s one of those things that has to take its time before it goes away and actually gets better. I’m hoping in due time things will be back to normal.

Faith-

The good news is, I’ve finally found a church home that my daughter and I both like we joined the new church last Sunday and I’m looking forward to being with this church for many many years, honestly my faith is what keeps me going and keeps me sane most days. When we have nothing at all, I know that god is with me and he has my back. I try to stay prayed up and always make sure to count my blessing always.

Conclusion-

I’m hoping things will get better soon, I’m hoping the next time I write a post, I will have good news to tell you guys about the job situation. I’m sorry for being gone again so long, life has once again threw a wrench in my plans but it’s ok no matter what, I will pull through and things will get better. Enjoy your Saturday I’m off to wash my hair and relax with a good movie.

It gets better :) (keep going)

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“This time won’t you save me, this time won’t you save me” the lyrics from an old nicki Minaj song “save me” are not stuck in my head as I lay across my bed thinking about todays events. It seems I’m closer and closer to edge as each day goes by.

Work is a complete mess, I’m over my manager and her list of demands, I’m over her need for me to be perfect, I’m over the girl who claims to be my friend, while running away scared when any situation occurs, I’m drowning on my own now. I keep telling myself it will be ok in the end, the endless times today wheee the words “I’m done, “I quit” crossed my mind too many times, it’s not worth the pain or agony anymore, it’s not worth wearing a fake smile everyday. It’s no longer about what’s Cherelle loves anymore it’s become a childish game now between who can win and of course she does every time.

I’ve been wondering what truly makes me happy, what truly keeps me going and the truth is my Job no longer fulfills me anymore, it’s funny because three years ago, I was bragging to the world about my new medical Job, I would of said, I’m never leaving now three years later the girl who is no longer and intern but a trained medical assistant, would rather be anywhere but there. I never though it would end this way. I’m fulfilled in every aspect of my life but not this part.

I’ve never wanted to get away more then today, I’m still wondering what it would be like living some where else where no one knew me would feel like, I’m still wondering what life would be like had I made other choices, I guess will never truly know unless an actual time machine was present too bad that only works in movies or tv shows. My friend called me tonight to talk me down and, I convinced her everything was fine, but it still doesn’t feel right. Will it ever? Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid and pray for the best.

I’m learning more and more, some things never change. neither do people, the good part is you can choose who to surround yourself with and it does not have to always be negative. I still wanna be that little girl again with no care in the world, no bills no Job just living life and enjoying being a kid in school, I look at my daughter and smile because she is what keeps me going she is my sane place. I do everything for her and that means the show must go on. I pray for the people who are hurt and hurt others, I pray for the world and hope that no matter what goes on it will all get better and even though things seem crazy right now for me I’m still going to keep going because it will get better.

Follow your heart and your dreams, never let anyone bring you down and if your unhappy in your career, relationships or with something in your life change it, that’s what I’m going to do. Enjoy your Wednesday night I’m off to bed with my music and my thoughts.

What makes you happy!

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This is my challenge for you today, figure out what makes you happy and no materialistic things. Think about the positive and what makes you smile and what makes you feel alive and keeps you going everyday.

1. My daughter

2.my career

3.love for god

Those are the three things that make me the happiest in this world. So now I’m challenging you to think of your happiness. Enjoy your Sunday ❤️ think happy thoughts and start to see positive results.

Mental illness:Speaking My truth.

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Speak-Your-Truth-Even-If-Your-Voice-Shakes (1)

I apologize for being gone so long, i never like to admit when i’m not OK or when everything is a mess, i’m always trying to wear a fake smile or pretend like i’m doing OK when its not OK. For a while things in my life appeared good and my smile was the highlight of everything around me. I couldn’t shake the voices in my head any longer and knew it was time to admit not only to myself but to the world that Cherelle is not OK and that’s OK.

I went to my doctor with a fake smile on my face and blatantly lied about everything, he asked about my progress and with a smile i replied “everything is great, I’m doing fine” he brought everything and said “that’s great Cherelle, i’ll see you back in three months, i’m happy for you.” i smiled full on knowing this was all a lie, he didn’t even know about the sleepless nights or stressful events that occurred at my job daily or the depression that took me over daily, i convinced myself is was all OK. I  stopped taking my medication and my moods starting to switch and change, i could feel myself getting angry and on edge the littlest things would make me cry. I spoke with my mom who was extremely concerned and even my boyfriend asked me to get back on my medication. i knew best and told myself life was better without it.

I’m tired of being controlled by medication and feeling like the only way to survive is on my anxiety/depression medicine in my mind their has to be another way out. Looking in the mirror I’m wondering more and more who I am or what’s best for me. I’m tired of living two different lives portraying to be one way with the world and another way in private. I know to most taking the medication is simple, I never wanna be the girl on medication for the rest of her life not being able to function unless something is helping me all day long. It has to be a other way for me to live my life right? Or maybe I’m being dramatic right now either way I’m tired of hiding the truth.

The truth is still hard for me though as, I was at work writing this post and my Co worker ask to read my blog and I politely said no because honestly I’m not ready for my co workers to read or fully know the truth about my mental illness. I will talk about it with them one day but for now it’s my secret. I can tell some people but it’s hard for me to tell others being as how will they react when they know how the other side of me truly is. Once again I’m looking in the mirror and my reflection is looking back at me and some how theirs hope.

I won’t give up yet I’m not ready, again sorry for leaving for so long, I needed to figure me out for a while and as this process continues, I will keep you guys updates also check out my podcast for more updates on how I’m doing and to listen to me talk about other topics. anchor.fm/cherelleh I will talk to you guys soon, keep pushing and stay blessed and happy.

 

It’s going to be ok :)

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I know, I’ve been gone for almost two weeks now, I’m sorry guys. I had a lot going on and needed to re group and deal with some things. I was not feeling like myself and needed a break from everything for a while. I’m honestly feeling a lot better and have dealt with most of the things that were bothering me.

I, finally went back and saw my doctor and got back on my medication and expressed to him the way things have been and that my depression and anxiety had started to kick back in and that my Job was actually a big source of my stress to be honest, we both agreed to up my medication to 20mg, so far it’s been good for me and it’s helped me a lot. It was good to finally tell my story and release it and not keep allowing it to take me over and it helps to know I’m not alone and that it can be ok but it’s up to me to allow myself to be ok and to be able to move forward even when dealing with my mental illness.

I’m also excited to announce that, I’m officially on weight watchers now and it’s been so good so far, as you all know my weight is a issue for me and I’m looking to be healthy and lose a few pounds. I’m hoping this all works out for me, my mom has been really supportive for me and also started weight watchers with me as well so I’m looking forward to seeing what’s next. I’ve had so many people point out that I’ve gained weight and it honestly hurts my feelings. I’m not obese or anything but still why must everyone point out my flaws. Yes I’m 143 now and I get it but geez can people stop. So anyway moving past the negativity I’m hopping to get to 124 pounds witch is a healthy weight for my 4″11 body frame and as always, I’ll keep you guys posted.

My daughter turned two a week ago and we had a little birthday party for her and it was amazing she’s growing into a wonderful little girl. I was even excited because my boyfriend came to town and we took her out to eat and shopping. I love the way he loves my daughter. They talk on the phone every night and say how much they love one another and he treats her like his her father. It’s been a wonderful experience to be with someone so sweet and amazing and who treats me right. I can honestly see us getting married in the future and I’m looking forward to the rest of our lives together. I know I know sorry guys I could go on and on for days about him though. I’ll stop for now though lol.

I actually got out the house today guys, I’m such a homebody but my co workers invited me out and we went downtown and had a blast, it was great! I won’t lie though, I started to miss my daughter mid way through. I’m so use to being in the house and not going out a lot so it was weird but I’m glad to have finally allowed myself to do something fun for once. I’m hoping to do more things like this soon. I’m sorry for being gone so long and I’m going to do better and I’m sorry if this sounds like a broken record but dealing with mental illness is not always easy and lately I’ve had so many moments where I’ve had to step away from the things that I love doing including my podcast.

I hope everyone has a great Saturday night, I’m off to watch some tv until my eyes close.