Standing strong..

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I’m sorry for not being as present again, I’ve been dealing with so much lately and it has taken a Hugh toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling really bad with my mental health and trying to stay above it all and when things get tough it’s hard for me to want to do anything to be honest.

My job-

Has been pure hell lately, my office manager is horrible and mean and beats me down daily she even treats the patients like crap and the worse part is my dr can’t even see the things she does he thinks she’s perfect as always. I’ve been majorly depressed behind working there lately. I’m constantly being picked at about everything. It’s been so hard lately but I do have some good news I had a job interview Friday and I have another one Monday so keeping my fingers crossed that someone will hire me soon.

My weight-

It’s no secret I’ve gained some weight, I won’t get in to detail about how much or what lead to it, I’m in the process of trying to get help with that, I meet my new nutritionist on August 30 so we can discuss my new meal plan. I’m looking forward to getting back to my old self again. I also wish people didn’t body shame others or make them feel bad that’s never ok, please don’t body shame or make fun of anyone for the way they are. It really bothers me that people actually think it’s ok to tell someone they gained weight or tell them what they need to do in order to lose it, I didn’t ask for your opinion so please keep it, I already know what needs to be done and will handle it on my own when I’m ready.

My dad-

I love my dad, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately though at all, it’s hard for me to stay here sometimes especially when things are so crazy I’m dealing with work drama and then dealing with my dad does not help either sometimes. Its been crazy because getting beat down at work and then coming home to my dad basically doing the same things is killing me honestly. I wish my dad knew how to actually talk to me instead of talking at me. I know that’s how some dads are but it’s hard to have a conversation like that when I’m feeling defensive the whole time and it leads to me being sad and of course trying to figure out what to do next. Don’t get me wrong parents are a blessing but sometimes I’m not sure they exactly know how to talk with us sometimes.

Depression-

Being sad and crying all the time has started again, it went away but now it’s back again and I’m finding Myself crying every week now and being miserable. It’s hard when things get like this because the only thing my mind wants to do is shut down from the world and block everyone out. I try to keep going for my daughter but it’s been tough. My mental state could be better but it’s one of those things that has to take its time before it goes away and actually gets better. I’m hoping in due time things will be back to normal.

Faith-

The good news is, I’ve finally found a church home that my daughter and I both like we joined the new church last Sunday and I’m looking forward to being with this church for many many years, honestly my faith is what keeps me going and keeps me sane most days. When we have nothing at all, I know that god is with me and he has my back. I try to stay prayed up and always make sure to count my blessing always.

Conclusion-

I’m hoping things will get better soon, I’m hoping the next time I write a post, I will have good news to tell you guys about the job situation. I’m sorry for being gone again so long, life has once again threw a wrench in my plans but it’s ok no matter what, I will pull through and things will get better. Enjoy your Saturday I’m off to wash my hair and relax with a good movie.

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It gets better :) (keep going)

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“This time won’t you save me, this time won’t you save me” the lyrics from an old nicki Minaj song “save me” are not stuck in my head as I lay across my bed thinking about todays events. It seems I’m closer and closer to edge as each day goes by.

Work is a complete mess, I’m over my manager and her list of demands, I’m over her need for me to be perfect, I’m over the girl who claims to be my friend, while running away scared when any situation occurs, I’m drowning on my own now. I keep telling myself it will be ok in the end, the endless times today wheee the words “I’m done, “I quit” crossed my mind too many times, it’s not worth the pain or agony anymore, it’s not worth wearing a fake smile everyday. It’s no longer about what’s Cherelle loves anymore it’s become a childish game now between who can win and of course she does every time.

I’ve been wondering what truly makes me happy, what truly keeps me going and the truth is my Job no longer fulfills me anymore, it’s funny because three years ago, I was bragging to the world about my new medical Job, I would of said, I’m never leaving now three years later the girl who is no longer and intern but a trained medical assistant, would rather be anywhere but there. I never though it would end this way. I’m fulfilled in every aspect of my life but not this part.

I’ve never wanted to get away more then today, I’m still wondering what it would be like living some where else where no one knew me would feel like, I’m still wondering what life would be like had I made other choices, I guess will never truly know unless an actual time machine was present too bad that only works in movies or tv shows. My friend called me tonight to talk me down and, I convinced her everything was fine, but it still doesn’t feel right. Will it ever? Sometimes it’s better to leave things unsaid and pray for the best.

I’m learning more and more, some things never change. neither do people, the good part is you can choose who to surround yourself with and it does not have to always be negative. I still wanna be that little girl again with no care in the world, no bills no Job just living life and enjoying being a kid in school, I look at my daughter and smile because she is what keeps me going she is my sane place. I do everything for her and that means the show must go on. I pray for the people who are hurt and hurt others, I pray for the world and hope that no matter what goes on it will all get better and even though things seem crazy right now for me I’m still going to keep going because it will get better.

Follow your heart and your dreams, never let anyone bring you down and if your unhappy in your career, relationships or with something in your life change it, that’s what I’m going to do. Enjoy your Wednesday night I’m off to bed with my music and my thoughts.

What makes you happy!

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This is my challenge for you today, figure out what makes you happy and no materialistic things. Think about the positive and what makes you smile and what makes you feel alive and keeps you going everyday.

1. My daughter

2.my career

3.love for god

Those are the three things that make me the happiest in this world. So now I’m challenging you to think of your happiness. Enjoy your Sunday ❤️ think happy thoughts and start to see positive results.

Mental illness:Speaking My truth.

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I apologize for being gone so long, i never like to admit when i’m not OK or when everything is a mess, i’m always trying to wear a fake smile or pretend like i’m doing OK when its not OK. For a while things in my life appeared good and my smile was the highlight of everything around me. I couldn’t shake the voices in my head any longer and knew it was time to admit not only to myself but to the world that Cherelle is not OK and that’s OK.

I went to my doctor with a fake smile on my face and blatantly lied about everything, he asked about my progress and with a smile i replied “everything is great, I’m doing fine” he brought everything and said “that’s great Cherelle, i’ll see you back in three months, i’m happy for you.” i smiled full on knowing this was all a lie, he didn’t even know about the sleepless nights or stressful events that occurred at my job daily or the depression that took me over daily, i convinced myself is was all OK. I  stopped taking my medication and my moods starting to switch and change, i could feel myself getting angry and on edge the littlest things would make me cry. I spoke with my mom who was extremely concerned and even my boyfriend asked me to get back on my medication. i knew best and told myself life was better without it.

I’m tired of being controlled by medication and feeling like the only way to survive is on my anxiety/depression medicine in my mind their has to be another way out. Looking in the mirror I’m wondering more and more who I am or what’s best for me. I’m tired of living two different lives portraying to be one way with the world and another way in private. I know to most taking the medication is simple, I never wanna be the girl on medication for the rest of her life not being able to function unless something is helping me all day long. It has to be a other way for me to live my life right? Or maybe I’m being dramatic right now either way I’m tired of hiding the truth.

The truth is still hard for me though as, I was at work writing this post and my Co worker ask to read my blog and I politely said no because honestly I’m not ready for my co workers to read or fully know the truth about my mental illness. I will talk about it with them one day but for now it’s my secret. I can tell some people but it’s hard for me to tell others being as how will they react when they know how the other side of me truly is. Once again I’m looking in the mirror and my reflection is looking back at me and some how theirs hope.

I won’t give up yet I’m not ready, again sorry for leaving for so long, I needed to figure me out for a while and as this process continues, I will keep you guys updates also check out my podcast for more updates on how I’m doing and to listen to me talk about other topics. anchor.fm/cherelleh I will talk to you guys soon, keep pushing and stay blessed and happy.

 

It’s going to be ok :)

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I know, I’ve been gone for almost two weeks now, I’m sorry guys. I had a lot going on and needed to re group and deal with some things. I was not feeling like myself and needed a break from everything for a while. I’m honestly feeling a lot better and have dealt with most of the things that were bothering me.

I, finally went back and saw my doctor and got back on my medication and expressed to him the way things have been and that my depression and anxiety had started to kick back in and that my Job was actually a big source of my stress to be honest, we both agreed to up my medication to 20mg, so far it’s been good for me and it’s helped me a lot. It was good to finally tell my story and release it and not keep allowing it to take me over and it helps to know I’m not alone and that it can be ok but it’s up to me to allow myself to be ok and to be able to move forward even when dealing with my mental illness.

I’m also excited to announce that, I’m officially on weight watchers now and it’s been so good so far, as you all know my weight is a issue for me and I’m looking to be healthy and lose a few pounds. I’m hoping this all works out for me, my mom has been really supportive for me and also started weight watchers with me as well so I’m looking forward to seeing what’s next. I’ve had so many people point out that I’ve gained weight and it honestly hurts my feelings. I’m not obese or anything but still why must everyone point out my flaws. Yes I’m 143 now and I get it but geez can people stop. So anyway moving past the negativity I’m hopping to get to 124 pounds witch is a healthy weight for my 4″11 body frame and as always, I’ll keep you guys posted.

My daughter turned two a week ago and we had a little birthday party for her and it was amazing she’s growing into a wonderful little girl. I was even excited because my boyfriend came to town and we took her out to eat and shopping. I love the way he loves my daughter. They talk on the phone every night and say how much they love one another and he treats her like his her father. It’s been a wonderful experience to be with someone so sweet and amazing and who treats me right. I can honestly see us getting married in the future and I’m looking forward to the rest of our lives together. I know I know sorry guys I could go on and on for days about him though. I’ll stop for now though lol.

I actually got out the house today guys, I’m such a homebody but my co workers invited me out and we went downtown and had a blast, it was great! I won’t lie though, I started to miss my daughter mid way through. I’m so use to being in the house and not going out a lot so it was weird but I’m glad to have finally allowed myself to do something fun for once. I’m hoping to do more things like this soon. I’m sorry for being gone so long and I’m going to do better and I’m sorry if this sounds like a broken record but dealing with mental illness is not always easy and lately I’ve had so many moments where I’ve had to step away from the things that I love doing including my podcast.

I hope everyone has a great Saturday night, I’m off to watch some tv until my eyes close.

You ever feel..

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You ever feel so lost and don’t know what to do next or even who you are anymore, you want so bad to be ok and for everything to be normal again but what the hell is normal when you don’t know what way to go anymore.

It’s funny, I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend trying to explain my mental illness and the way I’m feeling. I love him to death, still he has no idea what it’s like to be me or how hard wearing this fake smile is becoming and everything is a complete mess right now and I’m not sure what else to do. I wanna cry and then apart of me wants to leave it all behind. I’m not so put together to the world anymore, I’m crumbling at the seams.

Today was day one back on my medication and it didn’t help much to be honest, it’s going to be a process of waiting for it to get back in my system again and waiting for that happy girl to come through again. I question was, I ever really happy? Or maybe it was me pretending to be so no one would ask “are you ok” either way I’m not sure anymore but nothing seems right, it all seems wrong at the moment. I hate when my anxiety and depression get this bad and it feels like that hold a meeting to decide witch one is going to strike me first.

I knew my depression had won today, when i laid in my bed, in the dark and blocked everyone out. I couldn’t get from my bed and I couldn’t stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Today was short of perfect, two bad things happened at work and unfortunately it’s been with me since, I’ve been home and I can’t shake the feeling of it all. It’s been three weeks of hell trying to get back to me and it feels like I’m in a maze trying to find a way out. It’s funny how no one takes your mental illness serious, until you have done something stupid or harmed someone around you. It’s the fake smiles that keep getting to me and those fake conversations and the lies of pretending to be ok that truly break me everyday day and I’m honestly tired of saying I’m doing ok.

I meet with my doctor next week and I’m planning to tell him everything, planning to tell him that his so called meds aren’t helping and planning to tell him the truth nothing short of the truth, I can’t keep wearing this smile anymore, it’s not me at least right now and I have to live in my truth and tell my story the right way. I’m so tired and drained and no matter what I’m still managing to write this post to help others out there feeling the same as me. You are not alone, we can get through this. Don’t give give up yet. I have to keep telling myself this everyday lately to get through it all.

Someone asked me today, why are you depressed? Do you even know why your sad? And In the moment it’s evident so many people don’t understand mental illness they don’t get sometimes there are no reasons at all, I could of responded In a different way but my only reaction was to explain mental illness and mental health and the daily struggles and how our minds tend to work. It even made me cry a little to be honest because some people will never truly understand and get the daily struggles of mental illness. I pray that one day the stigma be broken and more people start to understand.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Tuesday night I’m off to sleep and be with my thoughts.

Where I’ve been/checking in.

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First, I want to apologize for going M.I.A on everyone, so much has been going on and honestly not having my medication has lead to me feeling depressed and not like myself. I’ve been kinda of distance with everything lately, including with my podcast and it’s all been a process to be honest.

I’ve been working and being a mom and struggling with other things as well that have lead me down a path of trying to figure out what to do next. The good news is my doctor finally approved my medication to be refilled this morning, my pharmacy fought hard for them to do it and for that I’m grateful to finally be able to pick up my medicine today. I have other things that have been plaguing my mind lately as well and you all know it’s no secret that I’ve been trying to lose weight and I’ve been on and off with diets and failing miserably to stick to anything at all.

I’m starting to feel so insecure about my weight, it’s to the point that looking in the mirror has become an issue for me, I’ve gotten to the point where avoiding the mirror is the only thing that works for me. I know I’m not perfect and some days I eat a lot of sweets and other days I don’t. I feel like sometimes I’m binge eating and I don’t know why or eating when I’m bored and it’s bothering me and I’m feeling gross to be honest, I was 136 now I’m 143 and to some that’s not a lot but to me it is and I hate my body right now and all though my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful everyday some how I don’t believe it anymore. It’s funny last night we were on the phone and he said “baby your making yourself crazy for no reason” I get it but still it’s hard to tell the girl who always struggled with wanting to be super thin and who use to starve herself to lose weight any different. I remember being 122 pounds and being happy because back then weight didn’t bother me as much but tell that to me now.

This girl was so confident and happy but now I’m wondering what happen to her and why now am I stuck 🤷‍♀️

This is me now and to some, I may appear fine but to me I’m so insecure and wondering when this will end to be honest.

I’m also in a space where I’m about to cut my hair short again, my hair grew back out but now it’s starting to break off some in the back and I’m kind of over my hair, so I booked a hair appointment with my hair stylist for the following week to get it cut and Styled and start fresh for a while. I know in due time, things will be back to normal and I’ll be back to my old self, it’s all a process but getting back on my meds is the first start and then Monday I’m starting back on my diet of eating clean and I’m sticking to a goal of getting down to 129, that’s the goal my nutritionist set for me so I’m going get back too it and stay clean this time.

I’m going to be ok and I know everyone dealing with mental illness can get through this and be strong too. It’s going to be tough sometimes but we can see it through. I’m about to finish watching “Halloween” and be scared for a while under my heated blanket. Enjoy your Sunday and be safe and happy 😊