Mental illness:Speaking My truth.

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I apologize for being gone so long, i never like to admit when i’m not OK or when everything is a mess, i’m always trying to wear a fake smile or pretend like i’m doing OK when its not OK. For a while things in my life appeared good and my smile was the highlight of everything around me. I couldn’t shake the voices in my head any longer and knew it was time to admit not only to myself but to the world that Cherelle is not OK and that’s OK.

I went to my doctor with a fake smile on my face and blatantly lied about everything, he asked about my progress and with a smile i replied “everything is great, I’m doing fine” he brought everything and said “that’s great Cherelle, i’ll see you back in three months, i’m happy for you.” i smiled full on knowing this was all a lie, he didn’t even know about the sleepless nights or stressful events that occurred at my job daily or the depression that took me over daily, i convinced myself is was all OK. I  stopped taking my medication and my moods starting to switch and change, i could feel myself getting angry and on edge the littlest things would make me cry. I spoke with my mom who was extremely concerned and even my boyfriend asked me to get back on my medication. i knew best and told myself life was better without it.

I’m tired of being controlled by medication and feeling like the only way to survive is on my anxiety/depression medicine in my mind their has to be another way out. Looking in the mirror I’m wondering more and more who I am or what’s best for me. I’m tired of living two different lives portraying to be one way with the world and another way in private. I know to most taking the medication is simple, I never wanna be the girl on medication for the rest of her life not being able to function unless something is helping me all day long. It has to be a other way for me to live my life right? Or maybe I’m being dramatic right now either way I’m tired of hiding the truth.

The truth is still hard for me though as, I was at work writing this post and my Co worker ask to read my blog and I politely said no because honestly I’m not ready for my co workers to read or fully know the truth about my mental illness. I will talk about it with them one day but for now it’s my secret. I can tell some people but it’s hard for me to tell others being as how will they react when they know how the other side of me truly is. Once again I’m looking in the mirror and my reflection is looking back at me and some how theirs hope.

I won’t give up yet I’m not ready, again sorry for leaving for so long, I needed to figure me out for a while and as this process continues, I will keep you guys updates also check out my podcast for more updates on how I’m doing and to listen to me talk about other topics. anchor.fm/cherelleh I will talk to you guys soon, keep pushing and stay blessed and happy.

 

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In the mirror.

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Do you ever look in the mirror, look at all your imperfections, look inside of you to see what makes you feel the way you do. Do you ever wish you were thinner, taller or had longer hair or prettier eyes. Do you ever wonder what life would be like to be someone else? Do you ever cry when you have had enough, when you can’t silence the words in your head because they won’t go away.

In your mind you will never be good enough, society continues to tell you that everyday, in all the magazines the girls are thin and tall and have so much confidence, but where is yours? Day after day you convince yourself it will get better, you say I look fine the way I am even thought society says a size 3 is better. The countless nights of dieting and being picky when it comes to food you convince yourself it’s a lifestyle change but now it’s turned in to an obsession and no matter how much weight you lose its never going to be enough.

Your fooling the world everyday and when they ask “how did you lose so much weight? your reply is always the same “Just a diet that’s all” knowing it’s no longer a diet but an obsession something deeper then anyone even knows. You love all the compliments so you keep going nothing can stop you now nothing at all. The Mirror has become your best friend now, it’s all you know. When will it be ok to be me, when will it be ok to finally be the best version of me. Who even knows what that is anymore, your so sucked in to what the world wants you have lost all control of who you are and what direction to go.

Your body image is tainted, will you ever be good enough, will you ever be happy? The mirror has got you here, the labels of others have made you feel this way, your losing control but you wanna come back to reality. You look in the mirror one last time, really look in the mirror at the girl you have become, your tired and drained from all the voices in your head and all the labels the world has put on you. Today is the final day you will allow the voices in your mind to tell you who you are or let the mirror dictate how you should look today. You finally get the courage to break the mirror to break all the bad things behind the mirror. Finally a sense of relief, finally a sense of peace. The mirror no longer has control over me!

To anyone struggling with body image, I want you to know you are beautiful and loved. We don’t need a mirror or the world to tell us that. We have all struggled with body image at some point myself included, however we can get through this and fight against it. Love who you are and don’t allow anyone to take your smile.

My mind lately..

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I’ve been quiet lately again, honestly haven’t had much to say so I kept quiet for a while but now I’m like well let’s talk might as well tell you where my mind is at.

My feelings..

My mood has been all over the place lately it’s like I’m fighting between being ok and actually really being ok, I feel depressed/sad/anxiety/numb/I don’t even know but my emotions are all over the place and I’m trying to keep it together for my own sanity. I’m dealing with a lot mentally and internally honestly and I haven’t really spoke on it, I mostly been distant because I don’t know what to say and when I do wanna say it, it’s like well maybe I should keep quiet and not say anything.

My thoughts..

My thoughts consume me a lot more lately I’m always over thinking and trying to believe that it will all be ok, I’m at a cross roads in my career where I’m like what the hell is next? And then I’m also like I love what I do for a living but currently hate the office I’m at it’s not like I’m not grateful for the opportunity, i was fresh out of school when I got this great opportunity they could of picked Anyone for the job but it was me they wanted and I was thrilled at the time but now two years later I sit here and I’m burnt out and miserable, I want something different and I want to not have to drive and hour everyday to work and home. I like my co workers we have our moments but I’ve grown some what close to them and would miss them but I have to do what’s best for me at this point and the best thing is to leave and start fresh.

What keeps me going..

Honestly at this point the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, family and my boyfriend but even sometimes it’s hard to wear a smile around them and pretend I’m ok but it’s deeper then that my mind is like a one track race sometimes it’s positive and other times it feeds me so much negativity. I think I’m tired of fighting, I think in my heart happiness is truly all I want I mean I have it in my personal life to a certain extent but is that really enough? I need more, I need to feel ok again. The weird part is I keep going through spells where I’m ok and other moments where I’m not and I’m not sure what is causing it. I blame a lot on my anxiety but sometimes I truly believe I’m depressed too and that’s hard for me to admit.

Conclusion..

I’m going to be ok even thought it dosent seem that way, I will be ok. I’ll keep repeating that into existence. I’ve been fighting the urge to see my therapist it’s like do I really want her to see what a mess I’ve become or do I keep dealing with my emotions in silence and wearing a fake smile so the world won’t know anything. Anyway guys I’m going to try to do better with my blogs I really am. I know I keep doing these disappearing acts but I promise to get better. Enjoy your Monday nights and I’ll now be off to relax and watch tv.

Women to women|Coming together.

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It’s crazy because, I originally was going to do another post but instead I ended up picking this topic because day in and day out, I see so much bickering between women and it’s sad that as women we tend to pit ourselves against each other or down one another. we’re our own worse enemy and can’t even see it, it’s bad enough some(keyword some because not all men do this) men put us down but then we turn around and do it to ourselves and I can’t seem to understand why? I’ve watched another women go to another women’s page just to comment on a picture they didn’t like or to tear that women down for no reason at all, how do you sleep at night? And then the main ones that get me are the ones that put “child of god” in their bio like please that has to be a sick joke you cannot call yourself such a thing mean while your putting someone else down or name calling someone and I agree everyone has the right to their own opinion but there’s a difference, when it’s coming from a good place or when your just being plain nasty for no reason.

My experience..

I’ve never really fit into the in crowd, I’ve never been miss popularity but at the same time I’ve never felt the need to be anyone but me, I was bullied all through school by the mean girls as we call them. I never understood why someone can be so cruel, I was name called and told I was ugly, fat, and stupid by girls who didn’t even know me and their words started to eat at me as I got older and I started to believe it to a certain extent witch lead me down a path of destruction, starving myself, going days with no food and exercising constantly, hating the person behind the mirror. It’s weird to say those same girls now are fake friendly whenever they see me out but of course I never forget, my cousins ex also use to bully me in school and then turned around and tried to be nice to me because she was dating him. I can forgive a lot of things but trust me this girl will never forget.

The things I see.

I’m randomly on instagram today and as usual I’m scrolling down my time line and also looking at the search section where they show a bunch of pictures of celebrities, it saddens me to see so many women downing other women or saying ignorant things to be mean for no reason,like what is your motive? I honestly feel a lot of it is jealousy and the other part is women not liking who they are, self esteem is definitely a killer and will have you hating who you are, I’ve been there before. I will say this it’s no ones problem because you don’t like who you are and you should not treat others like shit because you don’t love yourself, it’s up to you to fix the broken pieces in you and get yourself together but don’t down another women or another person in general because you don’t like the shoes your in. I have to give tough love in this post for so many reasons because this is seen so much and it shouldn’t be.

Things to work on..

If you or anyone you know is that girl, I will say this it’s not too late to change who you are, and the next time you get online or even in person and see something you don’t like, keep scrolling it’s not hard, I do it all the time. I think as women we should always back each other the world we live in is already cold enough so why down one another. We have this new “me too” movement in place witch is suppose to be women empowerment yet still in some ways we have a long way to go as far as coming together but that’s a whole other topic. I truly encourage you to love on one another and treat each other the way you want to be treated stop putting others down and love yourself and the next time you think about saying something mean turn it into a positive.

Conclusion..

We have to stick together and show love each time we get a chance, so women even men let’s rise above the drama and be better than ever. I challenge you to go out today/tomorrow and say something nice to someone you love.

The truth, I never told!

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So many things have happened in my life and I’ve kept them bottled up scared and fearful of the outcome but in doing this blog I’m finding out it’s easier to talk about the things that I’ve never said out loud so I wanna walk in my truth and tell a story that has never really been told so in a previous post I talked about my abusive relationship but it goes deeper then that.

Before I go to deep..

The idea for doing this kind of post came from me watching a show on Vice-land called “dope sick nation” it’s such a good show about the drug epidemic in Florida, it features two people Allie and Frankie who are trying to help addicts get clean and in to rehab it’s such a good show it will keep you on your toes and yes grab a tissue because it will make you cry at some scenes so please go check this show out it comes on every Wednesday at 9 or 10 I believe so go check your local channel listings for it.

Let’s get started..

I use to watch my ex all the time he seemed so put together but he wasn’t at all, he would drink now and then and I would drink with him sometimes and in the beginning I never saw any drug problems until one day he had friends over and I saw him start popping pills it shocked me at first and I asked him did he do this all the time he laughed and said no here and there so I believe him but as time went on he would always call his “dealer” to come over and bring him whatever he needed he would pay him 100 dollars sometimes even more for pills to snort or take to feel high all the time.

His world vs mine..

I tried my best to understand him and understand why he was like this but at the time I couldn’t. We spent many nights indulging in alcohol he even had me taking his pills, the difference was he was addicted and I wasn’t. I could stop anytime I wanted, he couldn’t it was obvious. the many days he spent sick when he didn’t have his prescription pills or his alcohol he would ponder back and fourth around the house trying to figure out how he could call someone and how he could get more alcohol and more pills. I remember every weekend feeling like a party everyone he hung out with was hooked on something and it was nothing new to them. I was lost in a world that I clearly knew nothing about it and it scared me.

His friend..

He has a friend that was hooked on every drug you could think of but of course it was normal to them, he would come over and talk to us now and then, he would talk about wanting to get out start Fresh how he was tired of the lifestyle he wanted out, he eventually went off to rehab and once he was back home he got sucked in to the lifestyle again this time was different. I remember getting a phone call from my ex telling me his friend had passed away apparent drug over dose he seemed scared like maybe he wanted to change his life around maybe he wanted to do better.

The outcome..

I honestly don’t know weather he is still doing drugs because we no longer speak but I can say I have not drink alcohol(I drink wine but nothing past that) or taking any pills since we broke up in 2015/2016 so yes addiction is real guys and to anyone out there dealing with someone on drugs please be patient with that person and try to help them the best way you know how, addiction is not easy and someone will not change unless they are ready to change remember that, you can still be there for them.

I’ve never told this story out loud before so I’m glad it’s out now and I hope it helps someone out there, please love yourself guys and also I’m sorry this is going up late I’ve been out of town all weekend.

Bad relationships/why do we stay?

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The reason I’m making this blog post is because we all have that one friend or family member who has been with the wrong guy or girl and we continue to tell them over and over it’s not going to work but to them we sound crazy and should mind our business, well today at work we had girl talk and of course the topic of discussion was relationships and how we feel about certain things that men/women tend to do and why do we stay sometimes even when we’re miserable.

Let’s get started..

So one of my co workers is currently dealing with a relationship dilemma,she’s not sure weather she should leave her relationship or stay. she’s not happy but doesn’t want to leave him “when his down” as she says and honestly I think a lot of women feel this way, I know I’ve stayed in many bad relationships because, I thought I loved that person and I thought things Would work out but it didn’t and it left me stuck and full of emotions and trying to figure out how to deal with them. So then poses the question is love really enough? Honestly in my opinion it’s not you can love the hell out of someone but love is not going to keep me there especially when I’m miserable and unhappy. I’ve learned that I have to love me first and do what makes me happy.

Let’s dig deeper..

In all my past relationships I wasn’t happy with myself and it caused me to cling to the wrong type of men,in my mind they loved me but it wasn’t love at all it was me being stuck in bad situations and thinking it was enough when clearly it wasn’t, I was always finding myself pondering back and fourth trying to please others over myself and no matter how many times i got hurt it never stopped me from giving love a try again even though in my mind it was clear what the outcome would be, my heart indured so much pain and it cause me more heartache then anything and it honestly wasn’t worth it in the end. I will also add this if you feel like you have to cheat on your partner because they are not giving you attention or you are that miserable being with them, my biggest suggestion is move on and leave them don’t hurt that person because you are hurting that’s make no sense to me at all and I seen it happen to many time with friends or people I know so leave the situation don’t make things even worse.

When do we start to love us enough..

It really breaks my heart to see women even men with the wrong person and watch them waste their time so many times over and over and at some point we have to have that self love for ourselves because when we don’t it turns in to us picking the wrong person to be with, I’m always challenging people around me to stay single and focus on themselves until they really know what they want and can find self love first before beginning to love another person. In the end it causes a lot of unresolved problems and causes us to resent that person even though we had a choice to leave or stay. I watch my co worker talk daily about her relationship and anything you say to her she gets mad because she has talked herself into being happy when in reality she’s not she vents and complains to us daily and we give her advice but she never takes it and in no way shape or form am I degrading her or trying to make her look like a bad person because trust me I’ve been that girl before in relationships I more so wanted to use her story as an example to help others because we have all been there at one point in time.

Conclusion..

At the end of the day I hate to say it but we only have ourselves to blame when we choose to be in bad relationships with the wrong person because the door is always open but we chose to leave it closed. I hope that this helps someone out there know that you are loved and the right person is coming to you so be patient and keep being you also don’t jump too quick into relationships without knowing more about the person and always always make sure to love you first. I’m rooting for each and every one of you and I know things will be ok. Stay positive my sweeties.

I have to get back to work now we’re starting to get busy ✌️

Why I been M.I.A/dealing with my anxiety.

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First I want to apologize for my absence so much has been going on in my personal life it’s been a rough crazy week, I’ve missed blogging so much it was fun to blog twice a day or once but lately I haven’t been in to it due to personal things going on in my life but I have not forgotten about my blog and will be back to blogging again every day very soon.

Life..

Life has been super crazy for me lately I’m in one of those spells where I wanna shut the world out and be alone in my own little world so I’ve been taking time for myself trying to figure everything out and gather my thoughts. I’m searching for that happy spot right now and i haven’t exactly hit the mark at the moment. I want to go off to an island where no one knows my name and start fresh that would be nice honestly. My thoughts have been racing like crazy and my mind is literally on 10 these past couple of days. It’s hard to process everything to be honest. I have to get back to myself and honestly I don’t know when that will be.

Anxiety..

My anxiety was doing so well and I was proud of myself because things were going great however now it’s back to not being so great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of panic and amongst other things but I won’t let that break me as always, I will survive! I Just need some time to process it all and I will be back to myself so I’ll be taking some much needed down time away and when I come back things will be 100% better and I will be able to blog again like before.

Conclusion..

I will be back to blogging soon, first I have to take care of myself and figure out what’s best for me. I miss this blogging thing so much I really do but I have to get my mind right back first before anything. I’ve posted a few new videos on my YouTube channel so you should go check them out if you wanna see what I’ve been up too. I can’t wait to come back and be better then ever. Enjoy your weekend and do what makes you happy always, I’ll be back soon!