anxiety

My mind lately..

I’ve been quiet lately again, honestly haven’t had much to say so I kept quiet for a while but now I’m like well let’s talk might as well tell you where my mind is at.

My feelings..

My mood has been all over the place lately it’s like I’m fighting between being ok and actually really being ok, I feel depressed/sad/anxiety/numb/I don’t even know but my emotions are all over the place and I’m trying to keep it together for my own sanity. I’m dealing with a lot mentally and internally honestly and I haven’t really spoke on it, I mostly been distant because I don’t know what to say and when I do wanna say it, it’s like well maybe I should keep quiet and not say anything.

My thoughts..

My thoughts consume me a lot more lately I’m always over thinking and trying to believe that it will all be ok, I’m at a cross roads in my career where I’m like what the hell is next? And then I’m also like I love what I do for a living but currently hate the office I’m at it’s not like I’m not grateful for the opportunity, i was fresh out of school when I got this great opportunity they could of picked Anyone for the job but it was me they wanted and I was thrilled at the time but now two years later I sit here and I’m burnt out and miserable, I want something different and I want to not have to drive and hour everyday to work and home. I like my co workers we have our moments but I’ve grown some what close to them and would miss them but I have to do what’s best for me at this point and the best thing is to leave and start fresh.

What keeps me going..

Honestly at this point the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, family and my boyfriend but even sometimes it’s hard to wear a smile around them and pretend I’m ok but it’s deeper then that my mind is like a one track race sometimes it’s positive and other times it feeds me so much negativity. I think I’m tired of fighting, I think in my heart happiness is truly all I want I mean I have it in my personal life to a certain extent but is that really enough? I need more, I need to feel ok again. The weird part is I keep going through spells where I’m ok and other moments where I’m not and I’m not sure what is causing it. I blame a lot on my anxiety but sometimes I truly believe I’m depressed too and that’s hard for me to admit.

Conclusion..

I’m going to be ok even thought it dosent seem that way, I will be ok. I’ll keep repeating that into existence. I’ve been fighting the urge to see my therapist it’s like do I really want her to see what a mess I’ve become or do I keep dealing with my emotions in silence and wearing a fake smile so the world won’t know anything. Anyway guys I’m going to try to do better with my blogs I really am. I know I keep doing these disappearing acts but I promise to get better. Enjoy your Monday nights and I’ll now be off to relax and watch tv.

Lifestyle

Women to women|Coming together.

It’s crazy because, I originally was going to do another post but instead I ended up picking this topic because day in and day out, I see so much bickering between women and it’s sad that as women we tend to pit ourselves against each other or down one another. we’re our own worse enemy and can’t even see it, it’s bad enough some(keyword some because not all men do this) men put us down but then we turn around and do it to ourselves and I can’t seem to understand why? I’ve watched another women go to another women’s page just to comment on a picture they didn’t like or to tear that women down for no reason at all, how do you sleep at night? And then the main ones that get me are the ones that put “child of god” in their bio like please that has to be a sick joke you cannot call yourself such a thing mean while your putting someone else down or name calling someone and I agree everyone has the right to their own opinion but there’s a difference, when it’s coming from a good place or when your just being plain nasty for no reason.

My experience..

I’ve never really fit into the in crowd, I’ve never been miss popularity but at the same time I’ve never felt the need to be anyone but me, I was bullied all through school by the mean girls as we call them. I never understood why someone can be so cruel, I was name called and told I was ugly, fat, and stupid by girls who didn’t even know me and their words started to eat at me as I got older and I started to believe it to a certain extent witch lead me down a path of destruction, starving myself, going days with no food and exercising constantly, hating the person behind the mirror. It’s weird to say those same girls now are fake friendly whenever they see me out but of course I never forget, my cousins ex also use to bully me in school and then turned around and tried to be nice to me because she was dating him. I can forgive a lot of things but trust me this girl will never forget.

The things I see.

I’m randomly on instagram today and as usual I’m scrolling down my time line and also looking at the search section where they show a bunch of pictures of celebrities, it saddens me to see so many women downing other women or saying ignorant things to be mean for no reason,like what is your motive? I honestly feel a lot of it is jealousy and the other part is women not liking who they are, self esteem is definitely a killer and will have you hating who you are, I’ve been there before. I will say this it’s no ones problem because you don’t like who you are and you should not treat others like shit because you don’t love yourself, it’s up to you to fix the broken pieces in you and get yourself together but don’t down another women or another person in general because you don’t like the shoes your in. I have to give tough love in this post for so many reasons because this is seen so much and it shouldn’t be.

Things to work on..

If you or anyone you know is that girl, I will say this it’s not too late to change who you are, and the next time you get online or even in person and see something you don’t like, keep scrolling it’s not hard, I do it all the time. I think as women we should always back each other the world we live in is already cold enough so why down one another. We have this new “me too” movement in place witch is suppose to be women empowerment yet still in some ways we have a long way to go as far as coming together but that’s a whole other topic. I truly encourage you to love on one another and treat each other the way you want to be treated stop putting others down and love yourself and the next time you think about saying something mean turn it into a positive.

Conclusion..

We have to stick together and show love each time we get a chance, so women even men let’s rise above the drama and be better than ever. I challenge you to go out today/tomorrow and say something nice to someone you love.

Addiction

The truth, I never told!

So many things have happened in my life and I’ve kept them bottled up scared and fearful of the outcome but in doing this blog I’m finding out it’s easier to talk about the things that I’ve never said out loud so I wanna walk in my truth and tell a story that has never really been told so in a previous post I talked about my abusive relationship but it goes deeper then that.

Before I go to deep..

The idea for doing this kind of post came from me watching a show on Vice-land called “dope sick nation” it’s such a good show about the drug epidemic in Florida, it features two people Allie and Frankie who are trying to help addicts get clean and in to rehab it’s such a good show it will keep you on your toes and yes grab a tissue because it will make you cry at some scenes so please go check this show out it comes on every Wednesday at 9 or 10 I believe so go check your local channel listings for it.

Let’s get started..

I use to watch my ex all the time he seemed so put together but he wasn’t at all, he would drink now and then and I would drink with him sometimes and in the beginning I never saw any drug problems until one day he had friends over and I saw him start popping pills it shocked me at first and I asked him did he do this all the time he laughed and said no here and there so I believe him but as time went on he would always call his “dealer” to come over and bring him whatever he needed he would pay him 100 dollars sometimes even more for pills to snort or take to feel high all the time.

His world vs mine..

I tried my best to understand him and understand why he was like this but at the time I couldn’t. We spent many nights indulging in alcohol he even had me taking his pills, the difference was he was addicted and I wasn’t. I could stop anytime I wanted, he couldn’t it was obvious. the many days he spent sick when he didn’t have his prescription pills or his alcohol he would ponder back and fourth around the house trying to figure out how he could call someone and how he could get more alcohol and more pills. I remember every weekend feeling like a party everyone he hung out with was hooked on something and it was nothing new to them. I was lost in a world that I clearly knew nothing about it and it scared me.

His friend..

He has a friend that was hooked on every drug you could think of but of course it was normal to them, he would come over and talk to us now and then, he would talk about wanting to get out start Fresh how he was tired of the lifestyle he wanted out, he eventually went off to rehab and once he was back home he got sucked in to the lifestyle again this time was different. I remember getting a phone call from my ex telling me his friend had passed away apparent drug over dose he seemed scared like maybe he wanted to change his life around maybe he wanted to do better.

The outcome..

I honestly don’t know weather he is still doing drugs because we no longer speak but I can say I have not drink alcohol(I drink wine but nothing past that) or taking any pills since we broke up in 2015/2016 so yes addiction is real guys and to anyone out there dealing with someone on drugs please be patient with that person and try to help them the best way you know how, addiction is not easy and someone will not change unless they are ready to change remember that, you can still be there for them.

I’ve never told this story out loud before so I’m glad it’s out now and I hope it helps someone out there, please love yourself guys and also I’m sorry this is going up late I’ve been out of town all weekend.

relationships

Bad relationships/why do we stay?

The reason I’m making this blog post is because we all have that one friend or family member who has been with the wrong guy or girl and we continue to tell them over and over it’s not going to work but to them we sound crazy and should mind our business, well today at work we had girl talk and of course the topic of discussion was relationships and how we feel about certain things that men/women tend to do and why do we stay sometimes even when we’re miserable.

Let’s get started..

So one of my co workers is currently dealing with a relationship dilemma,she’s not sure weather she should leave her relationship or stay. she’s not happy but doesn’t want to leave him “when his down” as she says and honestly I think a lot of women feel this way, I know I’ve stayed in many bad relationships because, I thought I loved that person and I thought things Would work out but it didn’t and it left me stuck and full of emotions and trying to figure out how to deal with them. So then poses the question is love really enough? Honestly in my opinion it’s not you can love the hell out of someone but love is not going to keep me there especially when I’m miserable and unhappy. I’ve learned that I have to love me first and do what makes me happy.

Let’s dig deeper..

In all my past relationships I wasn’t happy with myself and it caused me to cling to the wrong type of men,in my mind they loved me but it wasn’t love at all it was me being stuck in bad situations and thinking it was enough when clearly it wasn’t, I was always finding myself pondering back and fourth trying to please others over myself and no matter how many times i got hurt it never stopped me from giving love a try again even though in my mind it was clear what the outcome would be, my heart indured so much pain and it cause me more heartache then anything and it honestly wasn’t worth it in the end. I will also add this if you feel like you have to cheat on your partner because they are not giving you attention or you are that miserable being with them, my biggest suggestion is move on and leave them don’t hurt that person because you are hurting that’s make no sense to me at all and I seen it happen to many time with friends or people I know so leave the situation don’t make things even worse.

When do we start to love us enough..

It really breaks my heart to see women even men with the wrong person and watch them waste their time so many times over and over and at some point we have to have that self love for ourselves because when we don’t it turns in to us picking the wrong person to be with, I’m always challenging people around me to stay single and focus on themselves until they really know what they want and can find self love first before beginning to love another person. In the end it causes a lot of unresolved problems and causes us to resent that person even though we had a choice to leave or stay. I watch my co worker talk daily about her relationship and anything you say to her she gets mad because she has talked herself into being happy when in reality she’s not she vents and complains to us daily and we give her advice but she never takes it and in no way shape or form am I degrading her or trying to make her look like a bad person because trust me I’ve been that girl before in relationships I more so wanted to use her story as an example to help others because we have all been there at one point in time.

Conclusion..

At the end of the day I hate to say it but we only have ourselves to blame when we choose to be in bad relationships with the wrong person because the door is always open but we chose to leave it closed. I hope that this helps someone out there know that you are loved and the right person is coming to you so be patient and keep being you also don’t jump too quick into relationships without knowing more about the person and always always make sure to love you first. I’m rooting for each and every one of you and I know things will be ok. Stay positive my sweeties.

I have to get back to work now we’re starting to get busy ✌️

anxiety

Why I been M.I.A/dealing with my anxiety.

First I want to apologize for my absence so much has been going on in my personal life it’s been a rough crazy week, I’ve missed blogging so much it was fun to blog twice a day or once but lately I haven’t been in to it due to personal things going on in my life but I have not forgotten about my blog and will be back to blogging again every day very soon.

Life..

Life has been super crazy for me lately I’m in one of those spells where I wanna shut the world out and be alone in my own little world so I’ve been taking time for myself trying to figure everything out and gather my thoughts. I’m searching for that happy spot right now and i haven’t exactly hit the mark at the moment. I want to go off to an island where no one knows my name and start fresh that would be nice honestly. My thoughts have been racing like crazy and my mind is literally on 10 these past couple of days. It’s hard to process everything to be honest. I have to get back to myself and honestly I don’t know when that will be.

Anxiety..

My anxiety was doing so well and I was proud of myself because things were going great however now it’s back to not being so great. I’ve been dealing with a lot of panic and amongst other things but I won’t let that break me as always, I will survive! I Just need some time to process it all and I will be back to myself so I’ll be taking some much needed down time away and when I come back things will be 100% better and I will be able to blog again like before.

Conclusion..

I will be back to blogging soon, first I have to take care of myself and figure out what’s best for me. I miss this blogging thing so much I really do but I have to get my mind right back first before anything. I’ve posted a few new videos on my YouTube channel so you should go check them out if you wanna see what I’ve been up too. I can’t wait to come back and be better then ever. Enjoy your weekend and do what makes you happy always, I’ll be back soon!

self-love

It’s ok to be different :)

Growing up I never really fit in with the cool kids I was always marching to the beat of my own drum, I went to high school with all kinds of kids from jocks, the cheerleaders, the I’m too good to hang with you group(popular group if you wanna say), the nerds and the emo kids. I would always get picked on for being different and I never felt good enough. The girls I had grown up with since elementary school started to become my friends again in high school they were all well known and as long as I hung with them, well I became well known too.

For years I stuck with them until one day I decided I needed to break away, I needed to find out who I was and being in that group didn’t fit me anymore so my uncles wife ,well his stepdaughter(her daughter) moved in with them and she became my new friend she didn’t fit into the standards of being popular she never cared what anyone though of her either, she listened to all the linkin Park songs and three days grace and even more and she took me into a world that I never knew. We did everything together practically she even introduced me to all her friends and hanging with them became the norm for me.

One day she decided school wasn’t for her anymore so she dropped out and that left me alone and trying to figure out who I was, I couldn’t go back to old group of friends because well it wasn’t the same anymore and in some way they had moved on from me. I eventually met other people of course but still I knew I was nothing like most people, all my life I had been told I was weird or different and it use to bother me until one day I decided not to care anymore because well it was true and so what, I didn’t wanna fit into these molds anymore, I wanted to be me.

I’m now older and I still am that weird/different girl and I love everything about it. I listen to all kinds of music whether it be rock, country, pop or r&b it dosent matter I dress how I feel and converse are my favorite shoes. I wear my hair the way I want too and I dont care about fitting in with anyone because I love me and the people who don’t well that’s their personal problem. I will always be true to me and that’s all that matters. You don’t have to be like anyone except yourself remember that.

always always love you and don’t change yourself for anybody and I mean anybody you don’t have to fit in or be popular or do anything you don’t want too. I consider myself a loner because honestly i spend most of my days alone and I like it that way, yes I have a group of amazing friends in my life who except me for me (I grew up with them) they take me as I am and never try to change me, we’re all moms now with families and it’s pretty cool how life has changed us and made us who we are.

I say all this to say love being you, love being different and never change guys ever because your smile can change the world and you don’t have to be anybody but YOU.

self-love

Remember to always love YOU and put YOU first.

I wasn’t ease dropping on the conversation, however I was in a public bathroom and she basically put her business out there for the world sadly and now I’m sharing my thoughts and telling my own story in some way…

So, tonight I went out to eat with my family for my moms birthday weekend, it was a great dinner we had a great night but of course as were leaving we stop by the bathroom and I take my daughter in to change her that’s when I over heard a waitress on the phone with her boyfriend, everyone in the bathroom can hear her conversation she’s pleading and bagging her boyfriend not to leave her and to come get her from work and from her voice I can tell his telling her no witch isn’t what she wanted to hear, so she continues talking to him telling him she won’t do something again and a bunch of other things (it’s raining outside) so she was also asking him to bring her the car he was clearly saying no, finally her boss comes to the bathroom and tells her she needs to come back and finish waiting on tables then she proceeds to tell her boyfriend “I’m going to lose my job” before walking out finally.

This is why I always say self love is so so important even when your in a relationship because in order to love someone you must love yourself first always and I remember in past relationships not having that for myself so I put up with way more then I should have. It was very clear to me that this girl didn’t seem to have to much love for herself as she’s on the phone bagging her boyfriend and crying on the phone in a bathroom stall it Made me think how many women even some men deal with issues and put up with things like this because sometimes they feel that no one else will love them or that’s the only person they can get or they settle because of fear of moving on.

This post isn’t just about that waitress or her story that she honestly should of kept separate from her job but it’s for anyone out there who has ever been in situations like this and who have felt like they weren’t good enough. You have to realize sometimes we get in this situations because people portray to be one way and then once you get to know them better it’s a whole different story. When I was in my abusive relationship,I thought he was great in the beginning until I really got to know him and see that he wasn’t a good person he grew up in single parent home no father present and his mom did the best she could yes in some aspect I think that effected him a lot as he got older.( yes I also know not all people from single parent homes exhibit bad behaviors) truth is growing up I was a Hugh daddy’s girls I did everything with my dad he was the man I most admired but as i grew into a teenager our closeness kind of faded away and I sometimes feel that’s the reason I dated all the wrong guys

Also I’m not blaming everything on my dad part of this was ME too (we have a great relationship now)

I remember not having self love and it caused a lot of heartache for me in the long run. I wanna really say make sure you pick the right partner don’t get into a relationship because your lonely or because you think his a good guy but then he or she turns out not to be at all. Once you get that self love you won’t allow anyone to ever hurt you because you will love yourself enough to never accept anyone not loving you the right way. I know it’s hard because it took me years to love myself and I mean years and sometimes when it comes to my weight I still struggle with the self love part a little only because I’m always thinking I could be smaller but that’s a whole other story however when I met my current boyfriend he really taught me how a women should be treated he never calls me out my name, never disrespects me, we don’t argue and he loves me for me, well take that back we may have disagreements here and there but it dosent involve yelling and cursing each other out. It’s like you agree to disagree. (Kind of like the sky is blue nope it’s green) type of disagreements.

So, never settle, never love anyone before you (accept your children of course) never let someone make you feel like it’s your fault or belittle you and treat you less then what you are worth because somewhere out there someone is out there who is willing to love you for who you are and love you right. Some days i still look in the mirror and realize how far I’ve come from my past and how better I’ve gotten at loving me and the people around me and not settling because I’m worth being treated good.

Never beg someone to be in your life once they leave let them go because that chapter has ended and a new one will began and it will have a great ending..

Learn to love you and learn to take care of you first always and I pray and hope that waitress tonight finds that self love and makes better choices when it comes to dating because I’m sure she deserve the world but can’t see that yet but I’m sure one day she will.

Self love is the best kind of love as I always say ❤️

relationships

5 ways to get over a break up/heartbreak.

Ok, so I blog a lot about love because let’s face it I’m a big fan of love and happiness so we all have had our heart broken at some point or another and it hurts. I know a lot of times we don’t know how to deal with it or even what to say when someone we know is going through a bad break up so I’m here today to share my thoughts and my opinions on what has helped me get through some tough breaks up.

Also…

No I’m not going through a

Break up!! Just wanted to put

That out there.

Let’s get started….

1. Don’t blame yourself-

I know a lot of times after a bad break up we tend to blame ourselves thinking “what did I do?” ” how can we fix what has happened” or “maybe I shouldn’t of said or done that” the reality is you can’t change everything that’s happened sometimes two people grow apart and realize it’s not meant to be (loving someone does not mean they are meant to be in your life) it’s not your fault take that blame off of you everything in life happens for a reason.

2. Spend time with family/friends-

In most cases when we get in a new relationship we get so wrapped up into that person that we forget our friends and family even exist every conversation is “Jason this Jason that” (an example) and it drives the people around us crazy sometimes.The best thing you can do is rekindle those friendships and go out with your girls for a night on the town. you never know what could happen or who you could meet, try going to a family function as well being surrounded by family can always lift your spirits up and if anyone asks about your former lover just simply reply with “I don’t wanna talk about it” or “can we talk about something else.”your not obligated to talk to anyone about your relationship unless you want too, the healing process takes time.

3. focus on finding yourself-

The biggest thing you can do is focus on YOU your newly single so this is the best time to get to know you again, do some things alone like go shopping or go get your nails done. Remember all those tv shows or movies your partner hated well lounge around and watch them, go outside and take a long walk, it will relive loads of stress and make you feel a whole lot better. There’s even support groups you can join(only if needed) try taking a trip out of town maybe but remember this is your time to figure you out and get to know yourself better. (don’t and I repeat don’t start talking to other people too quick because your not giving yourself any time to grieve or move on from your ex you cannot let someone else in to your space until your truly ready to close the last chapter and when your actually in the right state of mind to make good decisions.

4. Delete the pictures/phone numbers-

I know this is the hardest guys because pictures hold so many wonderful memories but they have to go you can’t hold on to something that is no longer with you. It’s not healthy to wake up and look at your photo gallery only to see pictures of your ex popping up. The moment when I’m done in a relationship the pictures immediately go because it no longer serves me a purpose to have that person in my phone. I know deleting numbers is also a tough one but sometimes it has to be done or they have to be blocked depending on how bad the break up was some people have a mature break up others don’t so sometimes you have to delete that number to have some peace of mind or maybe you change your number to start fresh again it’s all up to you and how you feel.

4. Live with no regrets-

So it didn’t work out it’s not the end of the world you will have other girlfriends/boyfriends in your lifetime so don’t look at it as a bad thing, I’m sure you have had some great times with that person and Made some wonderful memories, also think about positivity in the situation and have no regrets because at one point in time that person was exactly what you wanted and who made you happen even if things didn’t work out.

Try to find the positive in any situation because unfortunately break ups do happen and heartbreak comes along with it, you have to stay strong and know that you are loved and you are worth meeting the right person some day, don’t give up on love because your soulmate is somewhere out there waiting on you.

Also remember it’s ok to be single, never feel bad because you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend your time is coming and your main focus should always be YOU (self love is the best kind of love) always remember that.

❤️💜💙