You ever feel..

mental health

You ever feel so lost and don’t know what to do next or even who you are anymore, you want so bad to be ok and for everything to be normal again but what the hell is normal when you don’t know what way to go anymore.

It’s funny, I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend trying to explain my mental illness and the way I’m feeling. I love him to death, still he has no idea what it’s like to be me or how hard wearing this fake smile is becoming and everything is a complete mess right now and I’m not sure what else to do. I wanna cry and then apart of me wants to leave it all behind. I’m not so put together to the world anymore, I’m crumbling at the seams.

Today was day one back on my medication and it didn’t help much to be honest, it’s going to be a process of waiting for it to get back in my system again and waiting for that happy girl to come through again. I question was, I ever really happy? Or maybe it was me pretending to be so no one would ask “are you ok” either way I’m not sure anymore but nothing seems right, it all seems wrong at the moment. I hate when my anxiety and depression get this bad and it feels like that hold a meeting to decide witch one is going to strike me first.

I knew my depression had won today, when i laid in my bed, in the dark and blocked everyone out. I couldn’t get from my bed and I couldn’t stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Today was short of perfect, two bad things happened at work and unfortunately it’s been with me since, I’ve been home and I can’t shake the feeling of it all. It’s been three weeks of hell trying to get back to me and it feels like I’m in a maze trying to find a way out. It’s funny how no one takes your mental illness serious, until you have done something stupid or harmed someone around you. It’s the fake smiles that keep getting to me and those fake conversations and the lies of pretending to be ok that truly break me everyday day and I’m honestly tired of saying I’m doing ok.

I meet with my doctor next week and I’m planning to tell him everything, planning to tell him that his so called meds aren’t helping and planning to tell him the truth nothing short of the truth, I can’t keep wearing this smile anymore, it’s not me at least right now and I have to live in my truth and tell my story the right way. I’m so tired and drained and no matter what I’m still managing to write this post to help others out there feeling the same as me. You are not alone, we can get through this. Don’t give give up yet. I have to keep telling myself this everyday lately to get through it all.

Someone asked me today, why are you depressed? Do you even know why your sad? And In the moment it’s evident so many people don’t understand mental illness they don’t get sometimes there are no reasons at all, I could of responded In a different way but my only reaction was to explain mental illness and mental health and the daily struggles and how our minds tend to work. It even made me cry a little to be honest because some people will never truly understand and get the daily struggles of mental illness. I pray that one day the stigma be broken and more people start to understand.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Tuesday night I’m off to sleep and be with my thoughts.

Where I’ve been/checking in.

mental health

First, I want to apologize for going M.I.A on everyone, so much has been going on and honestly not having my medication has lead to me feeling depressed and not like myself. I’ve been kinda of distance with everything lately, including with my podcast and it’s all been a process to be honest.

I’ve been working and being a mom and struggling with other things as well that have lead me down a path of trying to figure out what to do next. The good news is my doctor finally approved my medication to be refilled this morning, my pharmacy fought hard for them to do it and for that I’m grateful to finally be able to pick up my medicine today. I have other things that have been plaguing my mind lately as well and you all know it’s no secret that I’ve been trying to lose weight and I’ve been on and off with diets and failing miserably to stick to anything at all.

I’m starting to feel so insecure about my weight, it’s to the point that looking in the mirror has become an issue for me, I’ve gotten to the point where avoiding the mirror is the only thing that works for me. I know I’m not perfect and some days I eat a lot of sweets and other days I don’t. I feel like sometimes I’m binge eating and I don’t know why or eating when I’m bored and it’s bothering me and I’m feeling gross to be honest, I was 136 now I’m 143 and to some that’s not a lot but to me it is and I hate my body right now and all though my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful everyday some how I don’t believe it anymore. It’s funny last night we were on the phone and he said “baby your making yourself crazy for no reason” I get it but still it’s hard to tell the girl who always struggled with wanting to be super thin and who use to starve herself to lose weight any different. I remember being 122 pounds and being happy because back then weight didn’t bother me as much but tell that to me now.

This girl was so confident and happy but now I’m wondering what happen to her and why now am I stuck 🤷‍♀️

This is me now and to some, I may appear fine but to me I’m so insecure and wondering when this will end to be honest.

I’m also in a space where I’m about to cut my hair short again, my hair grew back out but now it’s starting to break off some in the back and I’m kind of over my hair, so I booked a hair appointment with my hair stylist for the following week to get it cut and Styled and start fresh for a while. I know in due time, things will be back to normal and I’ll be back to my old self, it’s all a process but getting back on my meds is the first start and then Monday I’m starting back on my diet of eating clean and I’m sticking to a goal of getting down to 129, that’s the goal my nutritionist set for me so I’m going get back too it and stay clean this time.

I’m going to be ok and I know everyone dealing with mental illness can get through this and be strong too. It’s going to be tough sometimes but we can see it through. I’m about to finish watching “Halloween” and be scared for a while under my heated blanket. Enjoy your Sunday and be safe and happy 😊

Sunday Life thoughts :)

mental health

It’s been a nice weekend so far, I’ve spent most of my weekend relaxing in bed and watching tv and as we speak I’m laying down in bed under my heated blanket. The weather continues to change, one day it’s cold the next it’s hot and honestly I stopped keeping up. My daughter has a really bad cold right now and I’m in full mom mode and trying to get her better and also trying not to get sick so, theraflu here Cherelle comes.

Yesterday was so rainy and nasty outside and guess who ended up out in the rain 🌧 🙋‍♀️ I had to go to Walmart to get some things for my daughter and pick up food for the house. I’m in the store walking around and a worker was stocking food on the aisle, so it was blocked off and people couldn’t get by, well I’m trying to grab some milk, when a women comes behind me with an attitude saying “excuse me” In a rude tone so at that point, I’m a little annoyed and taken back. I move over and roll my eyes and allow her to go by me, then go back to grabbing my milk. I was mad at that point and honestly wanted to slap her not going to lie and calling my mom was the only thing that would keep me calm, so I pull my phone out and dialed her number and explain what happened, she was upset and freaked out because, she knows how I can be at times, especially when I’m not on my medication.

It’s been a struggle lately without my medication and it’s causing me to be angry and on edge and my next doctors appointment isn’t until March 11th, because his booked again and missing my last appointment didn’t help, all though it was out of my hands and now I’m sitting here waiting. I’m one of those people that needs medication in order to function, because without it sometimes, I’m a complete mess to be honest and for a few days honestly, I was thinking “I’m ok” again but now I’m seeing that I’m not. At this point their is not much for me to do, but wait or maybe see, will my doctor call in a prescription for me, but I’m thinking that’s a no because again, his money hungry and likes to see me before doing anything. I’m hoping to get through these next two weeks, but honestly it’s scary, because feeling the way I been feeling isn’t a good feeling, but gotta stay strong and do the best I can.

I’m not a violent person at all or a mean person and I’m always nice to others, but cannot stand being disrespected especially when, I’ve done nothing wrong and it’s like that quiet girl in the corner has faded and found her voice and became more vocal, because in high school being bullied and not having a voice everyday was horrible and now being older I’m not standing for it. I haven’t slept all weekend and my body is now paying for it. I keep waking up like I’m going to work and then watching tv all morning. I woke up at 8 this morning and paid bills and then watched old episodes of Dr. Phil until my daughter woke up. That’s how my days have been here lately, so I’m really thinking not having my Medicine is starting to mess with me a whole lot.

I’m up bored now, as my daughter takes her nap and I’m sitting in my room looking at the walls, wondering what’s next and seeing how pretty outside it is today, I’m grateful for this beautiful Sunday, but I’m also tired and probably should take a nap while my daughter is sleeping. I’m hoping tomorrow, will be a great work day for me and a great day for you all as well, I’m going to attempt to take a nap or try to catch a show on Hulu or Netflix doing this down time. Enjoy your Sunday! 😊

-Cherelle ❤️

Friday highlights :)

mental health

Ok, so today has been super crazy and busy for me, I woke up early and made breakfast for my daughter and I then we played for a while. I finally got her dressed then got myself together and I’m finally proud to say that IM SPRINT FREE!!! I’ve been with them since, I was 16 and honestly I’m over it and was tired of dealing with them and their bad customer service and high phone bill, so now I’m officially with Verizon and couldn’t be happier the reps were so nice and kind and made me feel great about my purchase on the iPhone XR and I’m looking forward to doing more business with them.

I was out, so long today and it resulted in me missing my doctors appointment and his booked until the 11th of March, so now guess who has to wait another week with no meds again, so I’m kind of frustrated at this rate plus they told me, i have a bill and I’m upset about that because my insurance always covers my visits , so I’m not paying that and I stated for them to re bill my insurance and honestly at this point I’m thinking about switching doctors because I’m tired of my doctor to be honest and he doesn’t really do anything for me yet wants to charge me unnecessary amounts of money for talking to me for 5 minutes and then refilling my meds. It’s not even worth it anymore 🤷‍♀️ and I’m tired.

It seems to be so hard to find actually good help when you have mental illness, like why can’t someone good help me for once and actually have my best interest 😩 a girl can dream and wish can’t she? I’m not going to let that bring me down though, today has been a pretty good day for the most part, the only other thing that didn’t happen was me getting more make up and going shopping but that’s ok I’ll make tomorrow be that day. I love shopping more lately, my boyfriend laughs about that because I’ll literally have him going down every aisle in the store to buy things that aren’t really needed but my mind tells me to grab it especially when it’s on sale, I’m a shopaholic sometimes lol. I’ve been dying to do my podcast today, but my phone is still downloading my apps so can’t really do much on my phone at the moment, so now I’m watching judge shows on tv and wondering what movies to watch on Netflix tonight.

I find so much peace lately in my room curled up in my bed under my heated blanket. I’ve always been a loner anyway, so being alone makes me happy for the most part. I’ll never be that girl with a million friends and always having plans on the weekends, it’s not me at all and I’m perfectly content and happy with that. I love the friends that are still in my life, even though we don’t see each other often, it’s ok with me. I like spending my days with my daughter or my boyfriend anyway, we are homebodies so it works out perfectly. The older you get the more you start to embrace who you are and what makes you truly happy. Although sometimes I’m wishing to be 18 again lol, too bad I’m far from it now.

It’s Friday, so enjoy your day guys and be happy and blessed, I’m off to relax and watch some tv before going to be later on. Take care and stay warm.

Sometimes, I wonder..

mental health

Lately, I’ve really noticed that mental illness is such a heavy topic and a lot of people don’t know how to start it or even what to say. I really wanna talk about something that’s been heavy on my heart and get my opinions across and where I’m coming from.

The biggest pet peeve that really bothers me lately is people who tend too act like something is wrong or say that have mental illness when they don’t for attention, that really makes me mad because it’s so hard to get help and it’s so hard to even get people to understand where you are coming from and then their are actual people out there who play around about something so serious, like that’s never ok and it only hurts the people who really have a problem and can’t even receive help.

A lot of people they want attention and they crave attention and the only way they see fit to get it, is too act out or do things they shouldn’t be doing for it. I had a friend once who told me that he needed money so bad at a point in his life he went to social services and told them he was going to kill him self and they believed him and placed him on meds and starting giving him a check every month, the problem here was their was nothing wrong with him and when I asked him why he did it he responded “I needed money, so I did what I had too” I was kind of taken back honestly that someone would do that knowing it’s actually people in the world who truly need help and he wasted other peoples times with his games.

So to anyone out there who truly is struggling with mental illness and truly needs help please do not give up, you will receive the help you need, continue to try and keep pushing and I truly hope one day people will try to understand the importance of mental health and why it’s so important to take care of yourself but also, why you should not play around with something that’s serious to a lot of other people. My biggest give away today is to always be mindful of others.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Thursday, I’m off tomorrow and cannot wait to sleep in and spend the day with my daughter. Live in the moment and as always enjoy every second of it.


Wednesday night thoughts.

mental health

It’s always weird, when I’m doing so well and then out of no where my anxiety decides to flare right back up again, today at work my anxiety was at an all time high and my mood was a little off at the same time. I felt myself being a little moody and certain things were bothering me a lot more then usual and the feeling of being anxious was taking over me.

I’m seeing my doctor Friday and honestly don’t wanna tell him what’s been going on, it’s like fear because my first reaction is “what is he going to think or say” I don’t wanna be judge and I clearly know at this point my mood has been a little off due to my lack of medication and me being careless and forgetting to take my meds.

I was on twitter today and a girl, I follow stated that she felt suicidal but was making it and doing her best, that broke my heart because we all know what that’s like especially when having mental illness and you have to go day by day being broken down and hurt, yet still trying to wear a fake smile and make it through the day not knowing what each day entails or how it will end for you. I’m always wondering when more help will be available for those of use suffering and why is it so hard to get help sometimes, why do we wait until it’s too late when it’s all gone? I keep being plagued by the thoughts of other people out there suffering and why suicide seems to be so heavy lately.

It has to get better one day right? The stigma has to be broken one way or the other. Let’s spread more love and less hate. I’ll keep you guys posted on my doctors visit Friday and I’m hoping it goes well. I’m not sure what’s next for me but whatever is next I’m hoping it’s great. Enjoy your Wednesday night I’m off to watch tv and relax and sit in my thoughts for a while.

ps: give lots of hugs today and help someone in need.

Standing in faith :)

mental health

I’m back and feeling a lot refreshed since going out of town, I’m happy to finally have gotten some alone time with my boyfriend and go to another place for a while. I missed my daughter so much though so I’m glad to be back home. The long interstate drives always drive me crazy because traffic is always heavy and some people can’t drive and going over bridges gives me bad anxiety, so it was a mess and plus the rain didn’t help but I’m home so that’s all that matters.

I had a very frightening experience on Friday that, I wanted to share with you guys. I was on the interstate heading to see my boyfriend and my mind was all over the place, I kept going in and out in thoughts at one point feeling like I was lost and my focus was all over the place and at one point a suicidal thought even crossed my mind. I was ready to drive my car across the lane with the other cars(I’m not suicidal however, I hadn’t been taking my meds) it was a very scary situation that resulted in me calling my boyfriend crying and he comforted me until I got to his house. I was so glad to be off the road and safe. This experience was definitely eye opening for me.

I Haven’t felt like that, In so long and it scared me honestly to feel and even think like that. I had been forgetting to take my medicine the past couple of days and that had a Hugh effect on me and it was not the best moment for me and I’m grateful for all the support and love that I’ve received. It’s so hard sometimes dealing with mental illness and everyone around you does not always understand it or what it’s like to be in my shoes or the shoes of others. It also makes me wanna bring more awareness to suicide and depression to shed even more light on to it. We’re so brave and strong and no matter what comes out way we can conquer it.

I’ll never allow my mental illness to define who I am or make me feel weak, however, I will continue to shed light on it everyday in and effort to help others and let everyone know you are not alone and loved and have plenty of support. Im now sitting here with my daughter smiling and playing in her room and that is my reason to breath that is my reason to smile and be grateful for my life everyday. I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Monday night, see you guys soon ❤️

Night time thoughts.

mental health

Hey lovelies, I been feeling so sick the past couple of days and it sucks 😦 I feel like I’m getting a bad cold and my body is slowly shutting down. On the up and up everything has been good for me and my anxiety is under control for the most part. I’ve been doing so much research lately on mental health to help others and have good topic ideas for my podcast.

I’m so excited for the weekend to actually get away and clear my head for a while and leave all the negativity behind me. I’ve been watching my co worker lately she seems so sad and defeated and I’m scared to end up like that. I give her advice and try to help her the best I can but people are always going to do what they want at the end of the day. I’m glad and thankful that those relationship problems that use to bother me don’t anymore,once you find the right person those things don’t get to you.

I’m learning more and more about myself daily and each day is a new lesson to be learned. I’m trying to stay positive and wear a smile no matter what happens. I’m loving my Job more and more as well, I’m learning more about my patients and that sometimes the pain they have is deeper than anything, I can imagine. I’m learning not to judge so easily and actually really sit and try to understand people and what is going on with them.

I’ll never be perfect nor do I want to be. The point is I’m growing and learning daily. I won’t even lie my medicine is slowly running out and I can’t see my doctor until the 22nd so I’m freaking out a little but at the same time maybe a few days medicine free won’t be so bad however, my doctor probably won’t be too happy about that since he wants me to take my medication everyday but he went out of town and that threw my appointment off and made my refills get pushed back so what can a girl do 🤷‍♀️ at this point nothing except wait.

I hope you all enjoy your Valentine’s Day and remember it’s ok to be alone too. Spread lots of love and give plenty of hugs tomorrow ❤️

Anxiety attack: story time.

mental health

I’m always honest with you, I’m always going to tell you the truth and be opened minded when it comes to my mental Illness, Sunday night was so bad for me and honestly it hasn’t been like that in a long time for me. I’m hopeful this won’t happen again and that no matter what as always I’ll remain positive.

I was on the phone with my mom talking and apparently my dad thought it was ok to insert himself into our conversation because he didn’t like what was being said, needless to say it lead to a Hugh argument between him and I and it was very upsetting because at the time my mood was good and he had not too long ago gotten in from church,so I’m assuming he would of been in a decent mood. We got into a yelling match and it was horrible, so the end result was me walking out the living room and back in to my bedroom.

My mom was still on the phone with me and I broke down crying, could not breath, couldn’t even get my words out and felt like all control was gone at that point, my mom proceeded to stay on the phone with me and keep talking to me to calm me down she even got on my dad and explain to him that his behavior was unnecessary, yet I still don’t think my father gets it, he does not fully understand what it’s like to be me, I was basically minding my business yesterday and then some how I’m getting attacked for no reason. My dad and I are not as close as we use to be the years have drifted us apart of course I love him and I am grateful to even have a father but at the same time it’s frustrating trying to deal with negativity sometimes.

Being a single parent, my parents have done so much to help me and I’m grateful, I think it’s time for me to get my own place, I need my own space and my own privacy to get away plus I plan on living with my boyfriend soon so it’s better for me to spread my wings and leave. My father has since apologized but it’s still that weird feeling and those weird awkward conversations between us and honestly he may be sorry but I’m done with trying to be close to my father and I’m done trying to get him to fully understand me and my mental Illness at this point it all seems hopeless and I’m drained and tired.

I’m looking forward to going out of town this weekend to be with my boyfriend to get away for a while and clear my head. I wish this thing wasn’t bugging me so much but no matter what words tend to stick with us the most and when it’s people we love that hurts even more. I’m working on finding a balance and finding a peaceful place to go too and not allowing anything or anyone to bring me down. I will continue to pray that the world be more open minded and that the stigma of mental illness will eventually be broken, so more people understand it. I’m still Hurt and maybe a little fragile but the one thing I’m never going to be is broken.

If no one supports you or loves you, I do and I’m here for anyone. Let’s keep pushing and keep smiling and know we can get through anything that gets thrown our way. Spread love and give lots of Hugs today ❤️

Happy Sunday :)

mental health

Hello lovelies it’s a beautiful Sunday morning and of course, I’m wide awake! I wanted to do a cute video last night for everyone to see because I’m going to be doing videos twice a week now. I love blogging but I also want you guys to be able to match a face to the blog your reading all the time. (Also sorry for the roughness) lol I was tired and Just getting back home. I thank you all for the support that is shown and we will continue to keep pushing until the stigma of mental illness has been broken.

I haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of days either so it’s the main reason I’ve been awake so early and I’m hoping my doctor can Prescribe me something soon, I’m literally tired every day even at work. My anxiety/depression has been a little better this weekend so I’m proud of myself for getting out the house and doing something fun instead of taking to my room all day, I know this is baby steps, however it’s still something and for me it’s a big step.

My podcast is doing so well, I have two sponsors now and I couldn’t be more excited also I’m getting more plays and people seem to be really liking my episodes so I’m excited about that. I’m also thinking about starting a support group for mental illness really soon and I’m excited about that as well. I’m looking forward to all the good things that continue to happen in my life.

I will keep you all posted on whatever is next and as always enjoy this beautiful Sunday and don’t forget to smile as I tell all my patients at work daily 😊