Keep going..

mental health

Does it ever get better, or do we stay in the same place forever, do tears fall forever or do they eventually stop? When do smiles become real and not something we do in the moment to make others around us think we’re ok, I’ve never though it would be like this, never thought my anxiety and depression would get this bad. I’m trying to remember what happiness felt like or what it felt like to actually wear a smile that was actually genuine. I’m sitting here listening to “sad” by xxxtentacion for those of you who don’t know he was a rapper who was killed in 2018 and in my opinion made some pretty good music. (Rip) to him.

I feel like it’s never going to be ok again, the medication isn’t enough anymore and all the positive thoughts have slowly drifted away. It’s like waking up Everyday to do the same thing over and over going to a job you hate, dealing with the typical oft drama between co workers and realizing you can’t trust anyone. Not only that looking for a job so far has been crazy I’m still waiting for more interviews to pour in so for now I’m stuck in the same spot. I’ve decided today that if nothing changes by the end of the month I’m done with my job my sanity and happiness has to be first and right now with the multiple panic attacks and depression my health has to come first.

Not to mention the car accident I got in over the weekend and honestly my faith has been so shaken lately I’m starting to wonder if god even believes in me anymore, I went from praying everyday and believing it would all be ok to now, not even being sure anymore. It’s sad when you look around and you can’t even trust people you thought you could. I’m learning that the only person Cherelle has is herself, her family and the close friends she grew up with and I hate to sound harsh but This girl dosent want anymore new friends. I try to be nice and bring new people around me but every time they stab me in the back and I’m done with that.

I feel like I’m on a road to recovery and I’m struggling right now to get myself together the only thing that is going right is my weight lose, my new nutritionist is amazing she has me on a low carb diet and it’s working great for me I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week and I feel amazing so I’m looking forward to the weight continuing to drop, so if your trying to lose weight keep pushing and don’t give up. I’m sorry for being away so long it’s always hard for me to write blogs when I’m not in a good state of mind, it’s been a rough few weeks but I’m trying to hang in there. I’m not going to let my mental health take over too much.

Side note: I had a mini anxiety attack today lots of tears lots of things needing to be released and that was much needed, I’m tempted to call my therapist or my doctor but I don’t wanna worry anybody I think I’ve worried my mom and boyfriend enough today. I’m trying to keep this smile going let’s hope the next smile I wear is real.

Enjoy your Monday night, and remember to keep going even when it gets tough!

My favorite sugar free food dishes!

weight loss/Healthy food choices

These dishes became a house hold favorite, when my grandpa got diagnosed with diabetes, we had to learn to change our eating habits and eat better for his health.

Brownies.

This brownie mix is amazing instead of sugar it’s substituted with Splenda and it Taste great you, can get this at any local grocery store and it’s not too pricey either.

Jell-O.

This is also a favorite of mine, it’s less the calories and sugar plus it Taste great so, you get to eat a snack without freaking out over all the sugar intake.

Popcorn.

Popcorn is another favorite snack, Because it has no sugar and you can pretty much eat as much as you want. I also buy the 94% fat free popcorn with only 100 calories. It doesn’t have as much butter and it’s healthier for you. They come in mini bags or big bags I would say go for the Mini bags if you just looking for a simple snack.

Almonds.

My mom will only by this brand of almonds nothing else because it’s less sugar and healthier for you. I never use to like almonds but my mom got me hooked on them now and my nutritionist also had it on my meal plan so it became a household snack.

Gatorade.

This is my all time favorite sugar free drinks most people think it’s nasty it’s not at all, in fact it’s healthier for your body then all that sugar in regular Gatorade. I even have my dad hooked on it, every time I go to the store he asks me to buy more. This is a great substitute for anyone who is diabetic as well.

sugar free ice cream.

No matter what you can always choose health even when it comes to your ice cream. My grandpa used to eat this kind all the time and it Taste great. You can still eat sweets now and then just choose healthy options and this is a great one.

Veggie straws.

Honestly, when I first saw this in the store, I was like no way am I eating that nope not me. My aunt use to buy this for my grandpa so, one day I was shopping and I saw them out and I grabbed a bag. This is actually a very great choice in place of chips and it’s healthier. So sometimes what may not always look good on the outside may be delicious once you try it.

Apples.

I know apples do have some sugar however fruit has a different kind of sugar and apples are actually pretty good when dieting, lately that’s been my night time snack before bed. Apples slices are the best before going to sleep along with a glass of water and not to mention some grapes.

Final thoughts.

If your looking for a good snack and you don’t wanna worry about the sugar intake or all the calories these are great snack ideas. I will also make a part two for you guys coming up so you can see other healthy foods that I eat when I’m home.

Weight loss is a journey but with the right mind set we can do it. Enjoy your Monday night and don’t forget to eat something healthy today and drink plenty of water.

Standing in faith :)

mental health

I’m back and feeling a lot refreshed since going out of town, I’m happy to finally have gotten some alone time with my boyfriend and go to another place for a while. I missed my daughter so much though so I’m glad to be back home. The long interstate drives always drive me crazy because traffic is always heavy and some people can’t drive and going over bridges gives me bad anxiety, so it was a mess and plus the rain didn’t help but I’m home so that’s all that matters.

I had a very frightening experience on Friday that, I wanted to share with you guys. I was on the interstate heading to see my boyfriend and my mind was all over the place, I kept going in and out in thoughts at one point feeling like I was lost and my focus was all over the place and at one point a suicidal thought even crossed my mind. I was ready to drive my car across the lane with the other cars(I’m not suicidal however, I hadn’t been taking my meds) it was a very scary situation that resulted in me calling my boyfriend crying and he comforted me until I got to his house. I was so glad to be off the road and safe. This experience was definitely eye opening for me.

I Haven’t felt like that, In so long and it scared me honestly to feel and even think like that. I had been forgetting to take my medicine the past couple of days and that had a Hugh effect on me and it was not the best moment for me and I’m grateful for all the support and love that I’ve received. It’s so hard sometimes dealing with mental illness and everyone around you does not always understand it or what it’s like to be in my shoes or the shoes of others. It also makes me wanna bring more awareness to suicide and depression to shed even more light on to it. We’re so brave and strong and no matter what comes out way we can conquer it.

I’ll never allow my mental illness to define who I am or make me feel weak, however, I will continue to shed light on it everyday in and effort to help others and let everyone know you are not alone and loved and have plenty of support. Im now sitting here with my daughter smiling and playing in her room and that is my reason to breath that is my reason to smile and be grateful for my life everyday. I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Monday night, see you guys soon ❤️

Anxiety attack: story time.

mental health

I’m always honest with you, I’m always going to tell you the truth and be opened minded when it comes to my mental Illness, Sunday night was so bad for me and honestly it hasn’t been like that in a long time for me. I’m hopeful this won’t happen again and that no matter what as always I’ll remain positive.

I was on the phone with my mom talking and apparently my dad thought it was ok to insert himself into our conversation because he didn’t like what was being said, needless to say it lead to a Hugh argument between him and I and it was very upsetting because at the time my mood was good and he had not too long ago gotten in from church,so I’m assuming he would of been in a decent mood. We got into a yelling match and it was horrible, so the end result was me walking out the living room and back in to my bedroom.

My mom was still on the phone with me and I broke down crying, could not breath, couldn’t even get my words out and felt like all control was gone at that point, my mom proceeded to stay on the phone with me and keep talking to me to calm me down she even got on my dad and explain to him that his behavior was unnecessary, yet I still don’t think my father gets it, he does not fully understand what it’s like to be me, I was basically minding my business yesterday and then some how I’m getting attacked for no reason. My dad and I are not as close as we use to be the years have drifted us apart of course I love him and I am grateful to even have a father but at the same time it’s frustrating trying to deal with negativity sometimes.

Being a single parent, my parents have done so much to help me and I’m grateful, I think it’s time for me to get my own place, I need my own space and my own privacy to get away plus I plan on living with my boyfriend soon so it’s better for me to spread my wings and leave. My father has since apologized but it’s still that weird feeling and those weird awkward conversations between us and honestly he may be sorry but I’m done with trying to be close to my father and I’m done trying to get him to fully understand me and my mental Illness at this point it all seems hopeless and I’m drained and tired.

I’m looking forward to going out of town this weekend to be with my boyfriend to get away for a while and clear my head. I wish this thing wasn’t bugging me so much but no matter what words tend to stick with us the most and when it’s people we love that hurts even more. I’m working on finding a balance and finding a peaceful place to go too and not allowing anything or anyone to bring me down. I will continue to pray that the world be more open minded and that the stigma of mental illness will eventually be broken, so more people understand it. I’m still Hurt and maybe a little fragile but the one thing I’m never going to be is broken.

If no one supports you or loves you, I do and I’m here for anyone. Let’s keep pushing and keep smiling and know we can get through anything that gets thrown our way. Spread love and give lots of Hugs today ❤️

It’s ok to be different :)

mental health

Does it even really make sense or do we not always realize how much mental illness actually takes over our life, we long so bad to be normal, to be understood yet no one truly gets us no one truly understands they all say ” you can turn it off” like it’s a light switch and once the lights go down we all of a sudden become normal again, do they really even understand the countless nights of crying or the countless nights spent awake wanting to be heard.

I’ve always been told my whole life that, I was different not normal. Growing up in a small town everyone knows everyone and going to school across the street from a farm the quiet shy girl didn’t exactly fit in with the “normal” people, they ridiculed me and taunted me day in and day out and it’s funny now those same people see me out and try to act like nothing happen, try to act like we were friends. I smile and laugh, because who looks pathetic now me or you? I’m apparently normal enough for you now well it’s too late I’m already over you.

Waking up in the middle of the night often to wonder why me, why did I have to be the one with anxiety and depression everyone in my family seemed fairly normal. I’m always being told I’m like my grandmother, she passed away in 2008 of breast cancer we shared the same traits because well she too had a mental illness, it started when she was a young teenager and lead into adult hood she also took medication to control it and sought therapy. I’m always being compared to her, I’m always seeing how much we were alike and it would be nice to have her back so we could talk about life together. Either way my grandma hopefully is looking down and proud of me.

I will always be that weird girl to most but it’s ok I’m in love with being a loner most of my days being spent inside, I mean don’t get me wrong, I do have a few close friends but being alone is more of my thing. My boyfriend understand that he truly gets me. It took me so long to except who I am and be ok with me. I’m finding out it’s ok to not be normal and I’ll wear the title of being the weird girl any day. I’m also learning it’s ok not to be ok all the time because really in the end all that really matters is what makes you happy.

To anyone out there struggling with finding your identity, remember it’s ok to be different and love who you are always.

Ps: I have good news guys, I’ll be back blogging everyday again, Starting on Monday!!! Look out for my blog post daily.

I’m back!!

life

It feels good to be back, I know I’ve been gone for a while the last post I did was on Christmas Eve like I’m the worse, I already know. I’m going to dedicate myself more to my blog, I’m going to be posting every Saturday/Sunday starting this week. Those are the best days for me, I’m going to start this blogging thing off right and be more dedicated to keeping up and letting you guys know what’s going on with me more.

So basically I’m going to catch you up on where I’ve been and what’s been going on since the last post. So hang in here with me guys because it’s about to get long winded lol jk or am I? 🤷‍♀️ so let’s get started.

Anxiety update:

My anxiety has been so good and I’m happy to say, I haven’t been depressed or sad in a while and that’s a good feeling for me. I’ve been seeing my doctor on a regular basis and he has me on my anxiety meds witch are working amazing , he even up my dosage at our last visit and it’s been going well so far, the only side effect I’m not liking too much is the drowsiness and feeling sleepy but other then that the medicine is perfect, I’m learning I’m one of those people that needs meds to function and I’ve accepted that and I’m not ashamed I’m actually proud to admit I’m far from perfect. I would rather be safe then sorry. I’ve been trying to stay up beat and positive about anything and keep the negative out my circle and away from me. I’ll definitely keep you updated on my anxiety.

Relationship:

I was so happy to celebrate my one year anniversary with my wonderful boyfriend on the 6th of January, it’s been an amazing year, his been an amazing guy and he treats my daughter so well so, I couldn’t ask for a better man to be in my life this is the happiest I’ve ever been with someone and I’m glad we met each other when we did. It’s nothing like good timing to help you meet the right person when you lease expect it. I also wanna do a blog post this up coming weekend on relationships. I’m going to do more post on relationships in the upcoming future.

My diet:

I don’t even wanna deal with this lol but geez I gotta get back on track I’ve gained a few pounds back unfortunately, so can’t say I’ve been on track but I do plan on starting the keto diet next week with my mom so, I will let you guys know how that works. It’s so hard to stick to this diet thing, I do so well for a month or two then I slip up again and it’s disappointing but I’m human and I’m going to keep pushing and love the skin I’m in. I’m going to get healthy this year and do what’s best for me on my terms and my standards not what everyone else wants me to do. I will keep you guys updated on this aspect of my life as well let’s keep those fingers crossed 🤞

What you can expect:

So with it being a new year, I really wanna blog more about different things, I don’t wanna stick to always talking about my anxiety or dieting so my next steps is to talk more about hair, makeup, relationships, and all other things and I’ll even post videos on here as well. I’m going to kick this blog up going forward and you can also expect a Q&A from me soon as well. So guys, I hope you had an amazing new year and I hope you enjoy your week I’ll be posting again on Saturday so look out for it.

Favorite Christmas Foods.

holidays/Christmas

Hello, lovelies, I’m back! Better late then never. It’s Christmas Eve and I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. I’m in the process of watching movies on Netflix and watching my daughter play with her toys. I promised this blog post so gotta deliver. I’m going to share with you guys some of my favorite Christmas foods.

Main course-

1.Ham- so my mom does ham every year for Christmas and as I’ve said in previous post I stopped eating beef and pork for a while but I’ve kinda went back to eating it due to health reasons and because my nutritionist changed my meal plan so yes but anyway ham is good I love it especially when my mom makes it.

2.green bean casserole- this is my favorite ever my mom only makes this once a year so gotta enjoy it while I can, it’s one of my favorite Christmas dishes and my dad also loves this he was the one that got us hooked on it because someone at his job made it.

3.macaroni and cheese-

I love love Mac and cheese it’s an all time favorite. We usually make a big tray around Christmas and it’s so good lots of cheese and pasta and not to mention it’s one of those foods you have to go back for seconds on. I’m getting better at making it.

4. Potato salad-

Potatoe salad is another family tradition we usually make this for thanksgiving too and my mom makes the best, I have tried to make it myself but it doesn’t compare to hers at all and I’m really picky with eating foods so I will only eat her cooking around the holidays.

Deserts-

Apple pie-

I love homemade apple pie, I got this recipe out of a cookbook and I’ve been obsessed with it every since, I usually make this every year except this year I’m taking a baking break and I got a store brought cake.

Peanuts butter kiss cookies-

This is another favorite, I made it last night actually with my daughter it was so good. I usually get Betty Crocker bag of cookies you can bake and mix and then I add Hershey kiss candies in the middle of the cookies once it comes out the oven it’s become a family favorite.

Chocolate cake-

This is my favored brand of cake omg, I love a good chocolate cake. It taste yummy and I love chocolate so it works for me. I can’t remember the last time I baked a cake though it’s been a while, I take that back I did on thanksgiving but that was a disaster needless to say lol.

And last but not least…

White House rolls-

I love love this rolls and I love bread so it works perfectly for me, my mom gets these every year they Taste so good in the oven with a dab of butter on them, it’s perfection!

Ok guys so these are a few of my favorites, I hope you guys enjoy your holiday with family and friends, merry Christmas!

Healthy eating|Back on track.

weight loss/Healthy food choices

Ok, so today was my first day back on my diet or shall I say lifestyle change and so far so Good. I’ve stuck to my meal plan all day and haven’t ate anything bad. I was even tempted by cupcakes at work but turned them down and honestly haven’t even really been that hungry today for some reason. I been drinking plenty of water and staying hydrated and busy running around like always. I”ll tell you some of the foods I’ve eaten today and also share this cute recipe I’ve gotten off the new app I’m using to help with my weight loss.

Breakfast-

My meal plan called for me to eat cereal and skim milk but woke up late and was running behind schedule for work so instead I grabbed a mini bagel and ran out the door. My meal plan actually calls for me to eat some carbs and I won’t lie I love bread 😍 but I refuse to eat it all the time it’s not good for you. Bagels are ok eating them plain is best unless you wanna put butter and I suggest using a low fat butter or cream cheese for those that don’t like butter I’m the one over here like yuck because I’m not a fan of cream cheese but to each it’s own.

Lunch..

Another crazy thing happened, I rushed packed a lunch this morning and I didn’t like it so needless to say the only thing I ate was the fruit cup I packed so in the end, I came home and ate a late lunch I had chicken with mix veggies kinda light yet simple. I’m still working on my water intake I been drinking it more but I still feel like I need to up my intake. It will all happen in due time.

Dinner..

My dinner consisted of turkey pork chops yes they make TURKEY pork chops and it’s actually way better/healthier for you. They taste really good baked and fried but of course no more fried food for me so I baked them and then I had greens to go with them and a sweet potato so yes it was yummy, well kind of lol! I mean my body has to adjust to going back to healthy eating but it’s worth it.

Snack-

My snacks today were almonds and pretzels those are also on my meal plan, I never really liked almonds I’m usually eating cashews that’s my favorite but I got a big bag of almonds at Walmart the other day and so now I’m eating almonds and pretzels so it’s good so far also I had a pear a few minutes ago so yeah I haven’t really been super hungry but I’m trying my best to eat all my meals. I’ll probably drink another bottle of water then head to bed soon.

Wanted to share my lunch I made for tomorrow..

Yes I’m excited lol so on the app I’m using they have a selection of recipes you can make/eat so I’m scrolling through the lunch menu section and this chicken salad catches my eye so I wrote down the recipe items and head to my kitchen.

In no way am I trying to take credit for this recipe FYI and I will be putting the link to the website in this post, I actually forgot to do it in my last post sorry!! So if you wanna go check this app out or site out go do it, it’s helpful.

So back to what we were talking about so these are the only items you need to make this.

1.chicken, 2.onions, 3.celery, 4. Light mayo, 5. Pepper, 6. Salt, 7. Lemon juice.

I grabbed a small bowl I cut some chicken up (my chicken was pre cooked) and I added some mayo also (the original recipe called for yogurt but I replaced it with mayo) you stir the mayo into the chicken basically put as much as you like( I don’t like a lot of mayo) so after that I added some onions and celery. Grabbed my lemon juice and put 1/2 in the bowl then added a dash of salt/pepper and wallah you have your simple chicken salad.

Also I’m having yogurt and almonds with my lunch tomorrow.

So today was actually a good day guys I’m trying and as always I’ll keep you updated on my progress so one day down and a lot more to go but it can be done so when you feel like giving up DON’T keep pushing because the end results are worth it. Off to bed for me gotta be up again at 5:30 😦 good night!

https://www.sparkpeople.com

Check them out!

Eating habits..

Lifestyle

I’m always trying to eat healthy and put the right foods in my body but sometimes, I do have my cheat days and slips ups here and there, I will say my body feels better since I’ve stopped eating beef/pork but now I’m questioning should I cut meat out all together? I’m glad to say my family is actually on board with my new eating habits, they have been eating some of the same foods I’ve been eating or they will cook something separate for me.

This weekend, I went out of town. I’m visiting with my boyfriend and honestly we ate a lot of fast food yuck 🤢 so my boyfriend lives alone so of course he doesn’t cook a lot he usually eats out more unless I go with him to the store. So we ate at this Japanese restaurant and honestly I felt so sick eating the chicken I’m not sure why but it made me want to vomit literally and in that moment all I could think was “should I stop eating meat” it was gross to be honest. Then I asked my boyfriend what would you think if I went vegetarian he smiled of course and said he wouldn’t care but I don’t know guys and of course I get home and my mom has baked chicken for me of course I wanted to scream lol because I’m like no more chicken.

I proceed to try her food and my stomach was fine (nope I’m not pregnant) just putting that out there. I don’t know it was weird and then to top it off I had a bad dream last night and in the dream my doctor is telling me to stop eating meat so crazy I know literally so yes with that being said I’m not sure if this is a sign or what but I’m definitely a believer in signs. I’m not sure what to do next at all but, I do know I will continue on eating the way I am for now until I decide on going vegetarian/vegan.

On that note..

Lately I’ve been eating some good food, so I will tell you some of the foods I’ve eaten and liked also trying to keep this short and simple plus sweet lol.

1.cheese 🍕

Ok so I never have liked cheese pizza I’m always use to eating supreme or pepperoni and sausage well the other week they catered to my Job and I tried it and it was so good guys like melted in my mouth good and I can’t wait to try cheese pizza again, it was actually better with no meat.

2.Bread 🍞

So I know bread is fattening but I absolutely love it so much with a dab of fat free butter its so yummy, my dad buys red lobster biscuits and makes them at home sooo good.

3. Mixed 🌽

Let me tell you guys mixed vegetables is becoming my new thing to eat it’s so good to me I love when it’s mixed with broccoli, zucchini, squash, potatoes and carrots, it’s so so good guys. I’m telling you!

4. Mixed 🍉

So for the last couple of days I been making fruit bowls every night before bed, last night I made a bowl of strawberries, berries, and grapes it was so good I even made one for my mom and daughter she loves grapes that’s one of the many fruits that I can actually get her to eat.

Conclusion..

I’m weird when it comes to food and picky sometimes so this process will take some time but for now I’m going to continue to be happy with my eating habits until I decide what’s next for me.

Thanks for listening to my crazy rant about food guys. I’m about to get off work and enjoy the rest of my Monday 🙂

The way I been feeling..

anxiety, life

so much has happened in the past couple of weeks I’m feeling really weird about everything to be honest, I’ve held so much in haven’t said a lot about half the things that really bother me, I’m always that girl in the crowd who’s smiling who’s always so put together and people always say to me ” you’re always so happy, are you ever sad, you always smile” the truth is I wear a smile all the time to hide a lot of the things that go through my head or that I’m dealing with. I been feeling so un easy lately like I’m here physically but mentally I’m some where else.

I’ve been dying to tell my boyfriend about my thoughts but honestly his been so busy with work and dealing with his own things so I don’t wanna burden him but inside I’m dying I’m dying to get out I’m dying to tell anyone who will listen about these thoughts. I keep telling him I’m not ok but does he even really hear me, Ive told my mom a little bit and she says “take your anxiety meds you will be ok” I get that helps but what if I don’t wanna feel like a zombie or something I’m not for a day. I’ve been dying to get away so this weekend I’ll go out of town to spend some time with my boyfriend and his family witch I’m looking forward too because I’m in desperate need of a get away maybe I’ll come back and feel better maybe I won’t either way it’s worth a shot.

I been beating myself up about finding a new job trust me I love where I work but I wanna be closer to home driving an hour back and fourth everyday is getting old and taking a toll on me and my car, I’ve had to do so many repairs lately and I’m tired to say the least. I hope some new opportunity will present itself soon as far as my career goes only time will tell have to keep applying for jobs and sit back and wait not only that but my daughters father coming back in my life has been nothing but pure hell and I wish he never came back I’m starting to hate him literally we got into a Hugh argument through text yesterday and it didn’t end well at this point I no longer want him around me or my daughter she has a good life and is loved and I’m done trying with him it’s costing me too much peace and I can’t have my inner peace being destroyed.

I feel broken and I never thought I would say that out loud to be honest, I want everything to be different but it’s not instead it’s the complete opposite and I hate how someone can come into your life and turn it upside down by being an asshole and threatening to do things to you I’ve never dis liked someone so much but it’s ok because the next time we speak it will be through my lawyer because I cannot cannot take it anymore with him, he needs to be taught a lesson and I’m here to be the teacher today. I’m going to try my best to pep up try my best to wear a smile and not let all the drama bring me down but it’s hard sometimes. My anxiety is at an all time high so I do indeed think it’s time to contact my therapist and it’s time for me to get back on my meds for a while until everything dies down. I know I’m going to be ok, I know eventually things will get better and I’m going to keep having hope and stayed prayed up.

Thanks for listening to my long vent guys, I’m going to go lay down now because it’s back to work tomorrow and I have an intern I have to train so gotta get all the rest I can get my sweeties. Enjoy your Sunday! Ps: this post probably won’t go up till Monday.

also I’m feeling a bit better today but last night I was so over it!