Standing strong..

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I’m sorry for not being as present again, I’ve been dealing with so much lately and it has taken a Hugh toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling really bad with my mental health and trying to stay above it all and when things get tough it’s hard for me to want to do anything to be honest.

My job-

Has been pure hell lately, my office manager is horrible and mean and beats me down daily she even treats the patients like crap and the worse part is my dr can’t even see the things she does he thinks she’s perfect as always. I’ve been majorly depressed behind working there lately. I’m constantly being picked at about everything. It’s been so hard lately but I do have some good news I had a job interview Friday and I have another one Monday so keeping my fingers crossed that someone will hire me soon.

My weight-

It’s no secret I’ve gained some weight, I won’t get in to detail about how much or what lead to it, I’m in the process of trying to get help with that, I meet my new nutritionist on August 30 so we can discuss my new meal plan. I’m looking forward to getting back to my old self again. I also wish people didn’t body shame others or make them feel bad that’s never ok, please don’t body shame or make fun of anyone for the way they are. It really bothers me that people actually think it’s ok to tell someone they gained weight or tell them what they need to do in order to lose it, I didn’t ask for your opinion so please keep it, I already know what needs to be done and will handle it on my own when I’m ready.

My dad-

I love my dad, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately though at all, it’s hard for me to stay here sometimes especially when things are so crazy I’m dealing with work drama and then dealing with my dad does not help either sometimes. Its been crazy because getting beat down at work and then coming home to my dad basically doing the same things is killing me honestly. I wish my dad knew how to actually talk to me instead of talking at me. I know that’s how some dads are but it’s hard to have a conversation like that when I’m feeling defensive the whole time and it leads to me being sad and of course trying to figure out what to do next. Don’t get me wrong parents are a blessing but sometimes I’m not sure they exactly know how to talk with us sometimes.

Depression-

Being sad and crying all the time has started again, it went away but now it’s back again and I’m finding Myself crying every week now and being miserable. It’s hard when things get like this because the only thing my mind wants to do is shut down from the world and block everyone out. I try to keep going for my daughter but it’s been tough. My mental state could be better but it’s one of those things that has to take its time before it goes away and actually gets better. I’m hoping in due time things will be back to normal.

Faith-

The good news is, I’ve finally found a church home that my daughter and I both like we joined the new church last Sunday and I’m looking forward to being with this church for many many years, honestly my faith is what keeps me going and keeps me sane most days. When we have nothing at all, I know that god is with me and he has my back. I try to stay prayed up and always make sure to count my blessing always.

Conclusion-

I’m hoping things will get better soon, I’m hoping the next time I write a post, I will have good news to tell you guys about the job situation. I’m sorry for being gone again so long, life has once again threw a wrench in my plans but it’s ok no matter what, I will pull through and things will get better. Enjoy your Saturday I’m off to wash my hair and relax with a good movie.

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Mental illness:Speaking My truth.

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Speak-Your-Truth-Even-If-Your-Voice-Shakes (1)

I apologize for being gone so long, i never like to admit when i’m not OK or when everything is a mess, i’m always trying to wear a fake smile or pretend like i’m doing OK when its not OK. For a while things in my life appeared good and my smile was the highlight of everything around me. I couldn’t shake the voices in my head any longer and knew it was time to admit not only to myself but to the world that Cherelle is not OK and that’s OK.

I went to my doctor with a fake smile on my face and blatantly lied about everything, he asked about my progress and with a smile i replied “everything is great, I’m doing fine” he brought everything and said “that’s great Cherelle, i’ll see you back in three months, i’m happy for you.” i smiled full on knowing this was all a lie, he didn’t even know about the sleepless nights or stressful events that occurred at my job daily or the depression that took me over daily, i convinced myself is was all OK. I  stopped taking my medication and my moods starting to switch and change, i could feel myself getting angry and on edge the littlest things would make me cry. I spoke with my mom who was extremely concerned and even my boyfriend asked me to get back on my medication. i knew best and told myself life was better without it.

I’m tired of being controlled by medication and feeling like the only way to survive is on my anxiety/depression medicine in my mind their has to be another way out. Looking in the mirror I’m wondering more and more who I am or what’s best for me. I’m tired of living two different lives portraying to be one way with the world and another way in private. I know to most taking the medication is simple, I never wanna be the girl on medication for the rest of her life not being able to function unless something is helping me all day long. It has to be a other way for me to live my life right? Or maybe I’m being dramatic right now either way I’m tired of hiding the truth.

The truth is still hard for me though as, I was at work writing this post and my Co worker ask to read my blog and I politely said no because honestly I’m not ready for my co workers to read or fully know the truth about my mental illness. I will talk about it with them one day but for now it’s my secret. I can tell some people but it’s hard for me to tell others being as how will they react when they know how the other side of me truly is. Once again I’m looking in the mirror and my reflection is looking back at me and some how theirs hope.

I won’t give up yet I’m not ready, again sorry for leaving for so long, I needed to figure me out for a while and as this process continues, I will keep you guys updates also check out my podcast for more updates on how I’m doing and to listen to me talk about other topics. anchor.fm/cherelleh I will talk to you guys soon, keep pushing and stay blessed and happy.

 

You ever feel..

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You ever feel so lost and don’t know what to do next or even who you are anymore, you want so bad to be ok and for everything to be normal again but what the hell is normal when you don’t know what way to go anymore.

It’s funny, I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend trying to explain my mental illness and the way I’m feeling. I love him to death, still he has no idea what it’s like to be me or how hard wearing this fake smile is becoming and everything is a complete mess right now and I’m not sure what else to do. I wanna cry and then apart of me wants to leave it all behind. I’m not so put together to the world anymore, I’m crumbling at the seams.

Today was day one back on my medication and it didn’t help much to be honest, it’s going to be a process of waiting for it to get back in my system again and waiting for that happy girl to come through again. I question was, I ever really happy? Or maybe it was me pretending to be so no one would ask “are you ok” either way I’m not sure anymore but nothing seems right, it all seems wrong at the moment. I hate when my anxiety and depression get this bad and it feels like that hold a meeting to decide witch one is going to strike me first.

I knew my depression had won today, when i laid in my bed, in the dark and blocked everyone out. I couldn’t get from my bed and I couldn’t stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Today was short of perfect, two bad things happened at work and unfortunately it’s been with me since, I’ve been home and I can’t shake the feeling of it all. It’s been three weeks of hell trying to get back to me and it feels like I’m in a maze trying to find a way out. It’s funny how no one takes your mental illness serious, until you have done something stupid or harmed someone around you. It’s the fake smiles that keep getting to me and those fake conversations and the lies of pretending to be ok that truly break me everyday day and I’m honestly tired of saying I’m doing ok.

I meet with my doctor next week and I’m planning to tell him everything, planning to tell him that his so called meds aren’t helping and planning to tell him the truth nothing short of the truth, I can’t keep wearing this smile anymore, it’s not me at least right now and I have to live in my truth and tell my story the right way. I’m so tired and drained and no matter what I’m still managing to write this post to help others out there feeling the same as me. You are not alone, we can get through this. Don’t give give up yet. I have to keep telling myself this everyday lately to get through it all.

Someone asked me today, why are you depressed? Do you even know why your sad? And In the moment it’s evident so many people don’t understand mental illness they don’t get sometimes there are no reasons at all, I could of responded In a different way but my only reaction was to explain mental illness and mental health and the daily struggles and how our minds tend to work. It even made me cry a little to be honest because some people will never truly understand and get the daily struggles of mental illness. I pray that one day the stigma be broken and more people start to understand.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Tuesday night I’m off to sleep and be with my thoughts.

Life is short..

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Sitting here in my room alone and thinking with my thoughts running all over the place it hits me how short life is and how we take it for granted most days. I was at work earlier when CNN decided to alert my phone to tell me about the death of Kristof St John who plays “Neil Winters” on the young and restless. I’m in utter shock only because it hits me that life is so damn short also being that he spoke so openly about his sons suicide in 2014 and spoke on his on issues with mental health causing him to take a break from the show for a while, I’m not exactly sure where his mind set was or even if he had a mental illness either way it eats me up inside to know someone who I’ve been watching since a child is now gone.

Mental illness somehow always gets swept under the rug and always goes un noticed on some people’s parts, all I can think about is how I’ve been lately and how my mental illness has taken control. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve been lately and I hate it to be honest, everyone around me continues to tell me it’s the medicine but wait no maybe it’s me, maybe my anxiety and depression is flaring back up. I’m on edge, I’m angry, I’m sad, and emotional and restless and I can’t remember the last time I actually slept well. My doctor is always telling me the same thing over and over “you can get better, take your medicine every day, I’ll see you in a month” the same old crap don’t get me wrong I’ve grown to like my doctor a lot but at the same time when will this all end for me, when will I be medicine free, when will this stop taking control of me.

I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of pretending to be ok all the time, my boyfriend says “babe, somethings off about you” I know it’s true so I can’t deny it but at the same time what can I do 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying so hard to fight this, I’m trying so hard to understand it all. I need to go back to see my therapist, but hell would she even accept me, in my eyes I can’t be helped and I’m needing some guidance. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it but haven’t found my way out yet. I won’t give up on myself, I won’t let this take me down. I’m going to find my smile again and I’m going to be that happy girl again.

Please to anyone out there feeling like there’s no way out, get help please and know that you are loved. tel:1-800-273-8255 call this number for help. You are not alone and you are loved, please be safe.

Missing the old me.

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Good morning my lovelies, it’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I’m wide awake now, so might as well start a blog right? 🤷‍♀️ anyway it’s been so weird for me this weekend and the last couple of days and as always I’m going to be honest with you guys.

What’s been going on?

I literally do not feel like myself at all and it’s driving me crazy and I’m worried that my medication is having a Hugh effect on my behavior, last night was the worse ever, my mood was so bad and I couldn’t control it. So to back up a little, yes I take my medicine to help with my anxiety/depression everyday in the morning usually. Yesterday started off like a normal day, everything seemed fine but then of course I started to feel with drawn and shutting down from everyone in my house, so I took to my room and stayed in my room all day. I also started to notice that my mood was altering and I was on edge and becoming really mean when I did engage with others around me. My appetite was also not good, I wasn’t eating as I should and I didn’t feel hungry.

Continuing..

Finally, I went to my mom and told her what was going on with me (she’s usually the only one that can calm me down) and she said that she also has been noticing lately a change in me, since my doctor up the dosage on my medication and she thinks he needs to either change it or lower the dosage on my medication, either way feeling like this is horrible and on top of that I’m always tired and feeling sluggish, so it’s been a roller coaster lately full of emotions and i’m waiting to get off this roller coaster ride. I’m actually glad that, I will be seeing my doctor this month because he needs to know what’s been going on with me.

What’s next..

Mental illness is so hard sometimes and I’m struggling right now, but of course I’m trying to wear a smile and keep pushing and for me, I have to take the medication because without medicine, I’m no good at all to be honest and I can’t go back to the way it was before. I will keep taking the medicine for now until my follow up appointment and hopefully my doctor will have a solution for everything that’s been going on because as of right now, I honestly have not one idea what to do, I’m stuck between what could be wrong and what really is wrong and it really is up to my doctor on what’s best and what’s the next step in this process.

Conclusion..

Anyone reading this don’t let this post get you down, we all have bad days and bad moments but it’s how we come out stronger in the end that matters and I’m going to be ok. I will continue to pray about it and I will continue to stay positive and push through with a smile on my face. I will not allow my mental illness to bring me down and I will continue to be that bright happy girl again no matter what. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I’m blessed for the life god has allowed me to live and I’m blessed to see another day so don’t worry it’s all going to be ok we will defeat this, so to anyone out there feeling the way that I do, you are not alone and we will be ok, time heals all wounds and remember to stay positive.

Thanks for the support as always, enjoy the rest of this beautiful Sunday 😊

Helping others, your not alone..

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Good Morning, it’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I can’t sleep, so I decided to work on my Sunday blog, I got this topic because in my last post I touched on mental illness and people sometimes needed help but not being able to seek it.

Story time*

Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone he called me kind of in a panic and, I was wondering what’s going on and he started to tell me about his brother acting strange, So in the past his brother has struggled with mental illness and had break downs due to personal things going on in his life and he said “babe my brother is acting strange again, I think his mental illness is back again” I explained to him, I said mental illness doesn’t go away, you find ways to control it and try to keep it in control but it never fully goes away. You can use things like medication to help or you can try to control it on your own. I think that’s a big thing for me and not everyone knows all the signs or what to do when they have a friend or family member in these situations.

Helping someone..

If you see a friend or family member dealing with something the best thing to do is to monitor that person because you don’t wanna jump the gun and assume something is wrong right away and then it turns out to be nothing. The worse thing you can do is upset someone who is already in a tough situation, I remember masking my pain a lot not being able to tell anyone that help was needed, I would cry in silence, I was miserable everyday my anxiety was getting worse my depression had kicked in and yet ,I was still putting on an act for the world wearing a fake smile and one day, I broke down to my mom and told her everything that was going on, I knew I had to reach out to someone because help was needed.

Signs to look for-

I grabbed this from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/warning-signs-of-mental-illness so go check this website out guys!

1.sleep or appetite change

2.mood changes

3.withdrawal

3.drop in functioning

4.problems thinking

5.feeling disconnected

These are Only a few, so check there website out for me information.

I wanted to shed light on this because so many people out here need help or are reaching out and no one is there for them. I want no one out there to feel alone in talking to my boyfriend last night it made me realize, some people don’t know what to do in this situations all the time and they feel helpless trying to save someone. I feel like mental illness needs to be talked about more and a light really needs to be shed on this type of topics. I see so much of it around me now and I see so much of it going UN noticed and the last thing you want is someone you love hurting.

Final thoughts-

Please don’t suffer in silence, if you need help or someone around you needs help. Please get the help you need and don’t feel ashamed to ask. It’s Sunday so I’m going to lighten this up a little.please enjoy your day also, I may do a double post today. Give someone a hug today and let them know they are not alone.

Story time*

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So, I finally got my anxiety/depression meds on Friday and saw my doctor, his really on me about taking my medicine everyday, I know, I know it sounds easy but I’m always convincing myself that I’m feeling better and don’t need it anymore so I stop taking it for long periods but I’m realizing I can’t keep doing that. I never really realized how my anxiety and depression effected others around me until recently my family and boyfriend told me some of my behaviors and how they think taking my medicine daily will help. I try to stay Pretty level headed for the most part and I’m really good at pretending to be happy when I’m not I’ve gotten so good at covering up my emotions and feelings to the point where people will actually think I’m ok, my patients always commend me and tell me how happy I look and how I’m always smiling yet they don’t know what it takes for me to wear that smile.

Medication-

So my doctor has me taking Lexapro, I don’t know, if anyone has heard of that or taken it before but he loves to keep me on that medication in the past it has helped so will see, I started taking them yesterday and boy oh boy let me tell you I was so sleepy and I felt extremely nauseous all day long and I know that’s a side effect but it sucked. I’ve taken other meds in the past too its another one very popular but for some reason as I type this I cannot think of the name, that medicine gave me crazy side effects too it made me cry all the time and I felt crazy so I stopped taking it but don’t get me wrong I know medicine helps but it’s still that feeling of when will it be a day where I can actually be normal and not have to worry about what’s going to happen each day and how it will effect me. I probably should still see my therapist maybe? I don’t know will see.

Something my doctor said( wanna shed light on it)-

I was explaining to my doctor about my depression and I’m sitting There waiting for a reply he then goes “well a lot of times around this year people get depressed around the holidays” and I don’t wanna be rude but I’m thinking my depression has been here for a while now it has nothing to do with the damn holidays. I get some people do get sad around this time due to missing family and friends or being alone but why must he assume I’m one of those people as long as I’ve been going to him for my anxiety he should know it has nothing to do with the holidays. He then proceeded to ask if I’m suicidal and of course I’m not, I’ve never thought about taking my life but of course I’m human and I’ve had times where I’m like “I don’t wanna do this anymore” as in deal with the problems I have but no never going to take my life. I like my doctor don’t get me wrong it’s Just some times he tries to self diagnose me like his a psychologist and I’m like ok your my family doctor not my therapist let’s Keep it that way is all I’m saying.

Job update-

I’ll make this short because I already know this post is a little long. I talked to my current job and told them that I was staying there and not taking the new job I had offered, the office manager there wasn’t really not professional at all and I honestly don’t wanna work for a place like that. In January I’ll start looking for new jobs to apply to again but for the rest of this month I’m taking time off and relaxing.

Conclusion-

Thanks for listening to my cute story time/rant guys, I know I’m a mess sometimes also I wanted to tell more stories but this post is already long so I’ll save it, also my next post will be about my favorite Christmas foods so look out for it guys. Enjoy your Sunday ✌️