One door closes, another one opens.

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It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

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Keep going..

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Does it ever get better, or do we stay in the same place forever, do tears fall forever or do they eventually stop? When do smiles become real and not something we do in the moment to make others around us think we’re ok, I’ve never though it would be like this, never thought my anxiety and depression would get this bad. I’m trying to remember what happiness felt like or what it felt like to actually wear a smile that was actually genuine. I’m sitting here listening to “sad” by xxxtentacion for those of you who don’t know he was a rapper who was killed in 2018 and in my opinion made some pretty good music. (Rip) to him.

I feel like it’s never going to be ok again, the medication isn’t enough anymore and all the positive thoughts have slowly drifted away. It’s like waking up Everyday to do the same thing over and over going to a job you hate, dealing with the typical oft drama between co workers and realizing you can’t trust anyone. Not only that looking for a job so far has been crazy I’m still waiting for more interviews to pour in so for now I’m stuck in the same spot. I’ve decided today that if nothing changes by the end of the month I’m done with my job my sanity and happiness has to be first and right now with the multiple panic attacks and depression my health has to come first.

Not to mention the car accident I got in over the weekend and honestly my faith has been so shaken lately I’m starting to wonder if god even believes in me anymore, I went from praying everyday and believing it would all be ok to now, not even being sure anymore. It’s sad when you look around and you can’t even trust people you thought you could. I’m learning that the only person Cherelle has is herself, her family and the close friends she grew up with and I hate to sound harsh but This girl dosent want anymore new friends. I try to be nice and bring new people around me but every time they stab me in the back and I’m done with that.

I feel like I’m on a road to recovery and I’m struggling right now to get myself together the only thing that is going right is my weight lose, my new nutritionist is amazing she has me on a low carb diet and it’s working great for me I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week and I feel amazing so I’m looking forward to the weight continuing to drop, so if your trying to lose weight keep pushing and don’t give up. I’m sorry for being away so long it’s always hard for me to write blogs when I’m not in a good state of mind, it’s been a rough few weeks but I’m trying to hang in there. I’m not going to let my mental health take over too much.

Side note: I had a mini anxiety attack today lots of tears lots of things needing to be released and that was much needed, I’m tempted to call my therapist or my doctor but I don’t wanna worry anybody I think I’ve worried my mom and boyfriend enough today. I’m trying to keep this smile going let’s hope the next smile I wear is real.

Enjoy your Monday night, and remember to keep going even when it gets tough!

Standing strong..

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I’m sorry for not being as present again, I’ve been dealing with so much lately and it has taken a Hugh toll on me mentally and physically. I’ve been struggling really bad with my mental health and trying to stay above it all and when things get tough it’s hard for me to want to do anything to be honest.

My job-

Has been pure hell lately, my office manager is horrible and mean and beats me down daily she even treats the patients like crap and the worse part is my dr can’t even see the things she does he thinks she’s perfect as always. I’ve been majorly depressed behind working there lately. I’m constantly being picked at about everything. It’s been so hard lately but I do have some good news I had a job interview Friday and I have another one Monday so keeping my fingers crossed that someone will hire me soon.

My weight-

It’s no secret I’ve gained some weight, I won’t get in to detail about how much or what lead to it, I’m in the process of trying to get help with that, I meet my new nutritionist on August 30 so we can discuss my new meal plan. I’m looking forward to getting back to my old self again. I also wish people didn’t body shame others or make them feel bad that’s never ok, please don’t body shame or make fun of anyone for the way they are. It really bothers me that people actually think it’s ok to tell someone they gained weight or tell them what they need to do in order to lose it, I didn’t ask for your opinion so please keep it, I already know what needs to be done and will handle it on my own when I’m ready.

My dad-

I love my dad, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately though at all, it’s hard for me to stay here sometimes especially when things are so crazy I’m dealing with work drama and then dealing with my dad does not help either sometimes. Its been crazy because getting beat down at work and then coming home to my dad basically doing the same things is killing me honestly. I wish my dad knew how to actually talk to me instead of talking at me. I know that’s how some dads are but it’s hard to have a conversation like that when I’m feeling defensive the whole time and it leads to me being sad and of course trying to figure out what to do next. Don’t get me wrong parents are a blessing but sometimes I’m not sure they exactly know how to talk with us sometimes.

Depression-

Being sad and crying all the time has started again, it went away but now it’s back again and I’m finding Myself crying every week now and being miserable. It’s hard when things get like this because the only thing my mind wants to do is shut down from the world and block everyone out. I try to keep going for my daughter but it’s been tough. My mental state could be better but it’s one of those things that has to take its time before it goes away and actually gets better. I’m hoping in due time things will be back to normal.

Faith-

The good news is, I’ve finally found a church home that my daughter and I both like we joined the new church last Sunday and I’m looking forward to being with this church for many many years, honestly my faith is what keeps me going and keeps me sane most days. When we have nothing at all, I know that god is with me and he has my back. I try to stay prayed up and always make sure to count my blessing always.

Conclusion-

I’m hoping things will get better soon, I’m hoping the next time I write a post, I will have good news to tell you guys about the job situation. I’m sorry for being gone again so long, life has once again threw a wrench in my plans but it’s ok no matter what, I will pull through and things will get better. Enjoy your Saturday I’m off to wash my hair and relax with a good movie.

One of those days..

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Thursday’s oh typical Thursday’s, the day where the weekend is pretty much almost here and we celebrate Because Friday is our last day of work for most of us. My goal is to not trigger anyone with this blog post and to only tell my story while also educating. If your struggling with weight I’m here standing with you and we can do this together. Please don’t jump to conclusions on this post again it’s my experience and the things I’ve dealt with but as always I want to share with you all.

I still remember being the girl who flipped through all the magazines, the girl who was destined to be happy. The mirror use to be my best friend, it’s weird now standing at 4″11 and looking at myself no longer seeing anything that looks attractive to me, the world does not help when every where your turn someone is telling you how much weight you gained or what you should or should not be eating. The struggles to be what the world wants me to be continues to beat me down day in and day out. The girl who was once a size 7 now wears 11-12 and of course that’s not attractive to most ( in my mind) I’m still at a lost on how it started or how to fix it.

It seemed like over the course of the last couple of months food became a scape goat for me it was there when I was sad, it was there when I was happy it was there for every occasion. I found myself eating just to eat at times. I kept pretending like my weight gain didn’t exists people would make comments but as always, I ignored it and kept eating what I wanted. I miss the girl who could eat whatever and never gain weight or the girl who simply didn’t care. I miss the girl who once loved who she was and didn’t care about what the world wanted her to be but some where down the line she lost herself and does not know when she will be back.

I remember taking diets pills and starving myself and exercising constantly, I remember being so desperate to be happy at one point that I even went to a pro Ana website Because in my mind being thin was the goal. I spent countless hours looking at calories and documenting what I ate. It was pure torture some days but again the goal was to be thin. The weird part is sometimes, I’ll go to twitter and look at girls profiles who still struggle with weight and my heart breaks for the girls who don’t eat all day or the girl who lies to her parents about eating a meal knowing she threw it up. I go to YouTube and watch videos of girls stories and the recovery at the end of the video always makes me smile.

I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend tonight and we talked about my weight gain and I broke down because I’m ashamed to even have allowed myself to get this way I’m ashamed because it’s no longer about my weight but the goal is to be happy and healthy again. I say to anyone struggling tomorrow is a new day please love yourself and know that it will be ok. Let’s not worry about the number on the scale so much let’s focus on being happy and healthy. My nutritionist calls it a lifestyle change not a diet. We can do this ladies and men because I know we all struggle or have struggled at some point in our lives.

To anyone struggling with body image issues please get help, you are not alone and to anyone who feels like giving up on weight loss please don’t you can do this, I’m standing with you. Enjoy your Thursday night and know you are loved ❤️

You ever feel..

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You ever feel so lost and don’t know what to do next or even who you are anymore, you want so bad to be ok and for everything to be normal again but what the hell is normal when you don’t know what way to go anymore.

It’s funny, I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend trying to explain my mental illness and the way I’m feeling. I love him to death, still he has no idea what it’s like to be me or how hard wearing this fake smile is becoming and everything is a complete mess right now and I’m not sure what else to do. I wanna cry and then apart of me wants to leave it all behind. I’m not so put together to the world anymore, I’m crumbling at the seams.

Today was day one back on my medication and it didn’t help much to be honest, it’s going to be a process of waiting for it to get back in my system again and waiting for that happy girl to come through again. I question was, I ever really happy? Or maybe it was me pretending to be so no one would ask “are you ok” either way I’m not sure anymore but nothing seems right, it all seems wrong at the moment. I hate when my anxiety and depression get this bad and it feels like that hold a meeting to decide witch one is going to strike me first.

I knew my depression had won today, when i laid in my bed, in the dark and blocked everyone out. I couldn’t get from my bed and I couldn’t stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Today was short of perfect, two bad things happened at work and unfortunately it’s been with me since, I’ve been home and I can’t shake the feeling of it all. It’s been three weeks of hell trying to get back to me and it feels like I’m in a maze trying to find a way out. It’s funny how no one takes your mental illness serious, until you have done something stupid or harmed someone around you. It’s the fake smiles that keep getting to me and those fake conversations and the lies of pretending to be ok that truly break me everyday day and I’m honestly tired of saying I’m doing ok.

I meet with my doctor next week and I’m planning to tell him everything, planning to tell him that his so called meds aren’t helping and planning to tell him the truth nothing short of the truth, I can’t keep wearing this smile anymore, it’s not me at least right now and I have to live in my truth and tell my story the right way. I’m so tired and drained and no matter what I’m still managing to write this post to help others out there feeling the same as me. You are not alone, we can get through this. Don’t give give up yet. I have to keep telling myself this everyday lately to get through it all.

Someone asked me today, why are you depressed? Do you even know why your sad? And In the moment it’s evident so many people don’t understand mental illness they don’t get sometimes there are no reasons at all, I could of responded In a different way but my only reaction was to explain mental illness and mental health and the daily struggles and how our minds tend to work. It even made me cry a little to be honest because some people will never truly understand and get the daily struggles of mental illness. I pray that one day the stigma be broken and more people start to understand.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Tuesday night I’m off to sleep and be with my thoughts.

Valentine’s Day ❤️

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In honor of valentines days we have to make this a post about love.

https://anchor.fm/CherelleH/episodes/Valentines-Dayrelationship-talk-e374un

Go check out my podcast today guys. It’s all about love and relationships and I’m sure you will enjoy.

I do wanna talk about something thought let’s talk about being happy weather you are single or not, I notice each year women and even men get upset or down around this time well I’m here to say it’s ok to be single and not have a valentine I’ve gone a lot of years with no valentine and trust me it’s not the end of the world as I’ve said on my podcast this morning the person you are with should make you feel special year around not only for one day remember that guys and also remember to give lots of hugs today and show love.

I wanna give you guys some cute v day tips so I’ll do one for people who are single and people who are in a relationship on how to enjoy your day.

Single-

Tips to get through the day.

1. Love yourself

2. Hang with friends/family

3.treat yourself

4.get chocolate or candy for yourself

5.enjoy being single and don’t sit in your emotions.

In a relationship-

Tips to enjoy your Valentine’s Day

1.keep it simple

2. Go out to eat

3. Give flowers/candy

4. Relax at home with movies

5. Enjoy each other’s company

Conclusion-

It’s one day and it’s your day to enjoy yourself and have a good time. Please please have fun today and enjoy this day of love and romance.

Ps: Remember your in charge of your happiness don’t let anyone or anything bring your down.

In the mirror.

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Do you ever look in the mirror, look at all your imperfections, look inside of you to see what makes you feel the way you do. Do you ever wish you were thinner, taller or had longer hair or prettier eyes. Do you ever wonder what life would be like to be someone else? Do you ever cry when you have had enough, when you can’t silence the words in your head because they won’t go away.

In your mind you will never be good enough, society continues to tell you that everyday, in all the magazines the girls are thin and tall and have so much confidence, but where is yours? Day after day you convince yourself it will get better, you say I look fine the way I am even thought society says a size 3 is better. The countless nights of dieting and being picky when it comes to food you convince yourself it’s a lifestyle change but now it’s turned in to an obsession and no matter how much weight you lose its never going to be enough.

Your fooling the world everyday and when they ask “how did you lose so much weight? your reply is always the same “Just a diet that’s all” knowing it’s no longer a diet but an obsession something deeper then anyone even knows. You love all the compliments so you keep going nothing can stop you now nothing at all. The Mirror has become your best friend now, it’s all you know. When will it be ok to be me, when will it be ok to finally be the best version of me. Who even knows what that is anymore, your so sucked in to what the world wants you have lost all control of who you are and what direction to go.

Your body image is tainted, will you ever be good enough, will you ever be happy? The mirror has got you here, the labels of others have made you feel this way, your losing control but you wanna come back to reality. You look in the mirror one last time, really look in the mirror at the girl you have become, your tired and drained from all the voices in your head and all the labels the world has put on you. Today is the final day you will allow the voices in your mind to tell you who you are or let the mirror dictate how you should look today. You finally get the courage to break the mirror to break all the bad things behind the mirror. Finally a sense of relief, finally a sense of peace. The mirror no longer has control over me!

To anyone struggling with body image, I want you to know you are beautiful and loved. We don’t need a mirror or the world to tell us that. We have all struggled with body image at some point myself included, however we can get through this and fight against it. Love who you are and don’t allow anyone to take your smile.