Keep going..

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Does it ever get better, or do we stay in the same place forever, do tears fall forever or do they eventually stop? When do smiles become real and not something we do in the moment to make others around us think we’re ok, I’ve never though it would be like this, never thought my anxiety and depression would get this bad. I’m trying to remember what happiness felt like or what it felt like to actually wear a smile that was actually genuine. I’m sitting here listening to “sad” by xxxtentacion for those of you who don’t know he was a rapper who was killed in 2018 and in my opinion made some pretty good music. (Rip) to him.

I feel like it’s never going to be ok again, the medication isn’t enough anymore and all the positive thoughts have slowly drifted away. It’s like waking up Everyday to do the same thing over and over going to a job you hate, dealing with the typical oft drama between co workers and realizing you can’t trust anyone. Not only that looking for a job so far has been crazy I’m still waiting for more interviews to pour in so for now I’m stuck in the same spot. I’ve decided today that if nothing changes by the end of the month I’m done with my job my sanity and happiness has to be first and right now with the multiple panic attacks and depression my health has to come first.

Not to mention the car accident I got in over the weekend and honestly my faith has been so shaken lately I’m starting to wonder if god even believes in me anymore, I went from praying everyday and believing it would all be ok to now, not even being sure anymore. It’s sad when you look around and you can’t even trust people you thought you could. I’m learning that the only person Cherelle has is herself, her family and the close friends she grew up with and I hate to sound harsh but This girl dosent want anymore new friends. I try to be nice and bring new people around me but every time they stab me in the back and I’m done with that.

I feel like I’m on a road to recovery and I’m struggling right now to get myself together the only thing that is going right is my weight lose, my new nutritionist is amazing she has me on a low carb diet and it’s working great for me I’ve lost 5 pounds in a week and I feel amazing so I’m looking forward to the weight continuing to drop, so if your trying to lose weight keep pushing and don’t give up. I’m sorry for being away so long it’s always hard for me to write blogs when I’m not in a good state of mind, it’s been a rough few weeks but I’m trying to hang in there. I’m not going to let my mental health take over too much.

Side note: I had a mini anxiety attack today lots of tears lots of things needing to be released and that was much needed, I’m tempted to call my therapist or my doctor but I don’t wanna worry anybody I think I’ve worried my mom and boyfriend enough today. I’m trying to keep this smile going let’s hope the next smile I wear is real.

Enjoy your Monday night, and remember to keep going even when it gets tough!

Life is short..

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Sitting here in my room alone and thinking with my thoughts running all over the place it hits me how short life is and how we take it for granted most days. I was at work earlier when CNN decided to alert my phone to tell me about the death of Kristof St John who plays “Neil Winters” on the young and restless. I’m in utter shock only because it hits me that life is so damn short also being that he spoke so openly about his sons suicide in 2014 and spoke on his on issues with mental health causing him to take a break from the show for a while, I’m not exactly sure where his mind set was or even if he had a mental illness either way it eats me up inside to know someone who I’ve been watching since a child is now gone.

Mental illness somehow always gets swept under the rug and always goes un noticed on some people’s parts, all I can think about is how I’ve been lately and how my mental illness has taken control. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve been lately and I hate it to be honest, everyone around me continues to tell me it’s the medicine but wait no maybe it’s me, maybe my anxiety and depression is flaring back up. I’m on edge, I’m angry, I’m sad, and emotional and restless and I can’t remember the last time I actually slept well. My doctor is always telling me the same thing over and over “you can get better, take your medicine every day, I’ll see you in a month” the same old crap don’t get me wrong I’ve grown to like my doctor a lot but at the same time when will this all end for me, when will I be medicine free, when will this stop taking control of me.

I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of pretending to be ok all the time, my boyfriend says “babe, somethings off about you” I know it’s true so I can’t deny it but at the same time what can I do 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying so hard to fight this, I’m trying so hard to understand it all. I need to go back to see my therapist, but hell would she even accept me, in my eyes I can’t be helped and I’m needing some guidance. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it but haven’t found my way out yet. I won’t give up on myself, I won’t let this take me down. I’m going to find my smile again and I’m going to be that happy girl again.

Please to anyone out there feeling like there’s no way out, get help please and know that you are loved. tel:1-800-273-8255 call this number for help. You are not alone and you are loved, please be safe.

Story time*

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So, I finally got my anxiety/depression meds on Friday and saw my doctor, his really on me about taking my medicine everyday, I know, I know it sounds easy but I’m always convincing myself that I’m feeling better and don’t need it anymore so I stop taking it for long periods but I’m realizing I can’t keep doing that. I never really realized how my anxiety and depression effected others around me until recently my family and boyfriend told me some of my behaviors and how they think taking my medicine daily will help. I try to stay Pretty level headed for the most part and I’m really good at pretending to be happy when I’m not I’ve gotten so good at covering up my emotions and feelings to the point where people will actually think I’m ok, my patients always commend me and tell me how happy I look and how I’m always smiling yet they don’t know what it takes for me to wear that smile.

Medication-

So my doctor has me taking Lexapro, I don’t know, if anyone has heard of that or taken it before but he loves to keep me on that medication in the past it has helped so will see, I started taking them yesterday and boy oh boy let me tell you I was so sleepy and I felt extremely nauseous all day long and I know that’s a side effect but it sucked. I’ve taken other meds in the past too its another one very popular but for some reason as I type this I cannot think of the name, that medicine gave me crazy side effects too it made me cry all the time and I felt crazy so I stopped taking it but don’t get me wrong I know medicine helps but it’s still that feeling of when will it be a day where I can actually be normal and not have to worry about what’s going to happen each day and how it will effect me. I probably should still see my therapist maybe? I don’t know will see.

Something my doctor said( wanna shed light on it)-

I was explaining to my doctor about my depression and I’m sitting There waiting for a reply he then goes “well a lot of times around this year people get depressed around the holidays” and I don’t wanna be rude but I’m thinking my depression has been here for a while now it has nothing to do with the damn holidays. I get some people do get sad around this time due to missing family and friends or being alone but why must he assume I’m one of those people as long as I’ve been going to him for my anxiety he should know it has nothing to do with the holidays. He then proceeded to ask if I’m suicidal and of course I’m not, I’ve never thought about taking my life but of course I’m human and I’ve had times where I’m like “I don’t wanna do this anymore” as in deal with the problems I have but no never going to take my life. I like my doctor don’t get me wrong it’s Just some times he tries to self diagnose me like his a psychologist and I’m like ok your my family doctor not my therapist let’s Keep it that way is all I’m saying.

Job update-

I’ll make this short because I already know this post is a little long. I talked to my current job and told them that I was staying there and not taking the new job I had offered, the office manager there wasn’t really not professional at all and I honestly don’t wanna work for a place like that. In January I’ll start looking for new jobs to apply to again but for the rest of this month I’m taking time off and relaxing.

Conclusion-

Thanks for listening to my cute story time/rant guys, I know I’m a mess sometimes also I wanted to tell more stories but this post is already long so I’ll save it, also my next post will be about my favorite Christmas foods so look out for it guys. Enjoy your Sunday ✌️

Life goes on..

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So crazy how Life can be sometimes and how things happen that we don’t always expect to happen. So in my last post things we’re looking up for me or so I though. I don’t wanna make this super long so I’m going to get right into it.

My anxiety/depression –

I was honestly happy for a while, I felt good everything seemed to be fine, however so much has happened and honestly I’ve come to the conclusion and so have others around me that it’s best I stay on my meds. I honestly wish that it was possible for me to be medication free but for now and because it seems for the best I’m seeing my doctor this week about more medication to help me. The weird part is I try to be happy and I try to not be depressed but it’s sad because I find myself always on edge and upset most of the time and I can’t control it like I want too. I think it’s best for me to take my medication and seek my therapy until things get better. This is not a set back for me more so something that I have to get through and I know in the end things will come out better and I’ll be stronger. I’m learning it’s ok to take medication and please don’t ever be ashamed to do that.

The Job-

In my last post, I stated that I had a great interview that was suppose to lead to a Job and please excuse any bad language in this post but it’s how I feel. The lady that supposedly hired me is full of shit, she basically played me in a way because she told me that the position was mine even the doctor there told me that it was mine,then she told me she was going to send me some paper work to fill out and call my job for a reference so needless to say a week goes by,I don’t hear from her at all, so today I decided to call.she picked up and acted like she didn’t know who I was or what was going on, it was crazy then she has this bull shit excuse saying that she has been busy because the office was closed due to bad weather yesterday it was a bunch of crap to me like how do we go from two interviews to telling me I’m hired and your going to email me paper work to this, now she’s claiming she’s doing more interviews as well, I honestly feel like you can’t trust anybody now a days but honestly I blocked the number because I don’t want any more parts to this company and I don’t want her calling me to offer me anything because she’s full of shit. (Again sorry for the language).

What’s next-

So basically I even told my Job that, that I was leaving so imagine my embarrassment so now to make a long story short gotta tell my Job tomorrow that I’m not leaving, so yes this has been a Hugh mess but no matter what I’m going to keep smiling and keep pushing. Gotta be grateful to have a job now a days so can’t let this break me I’m going to keep pushing and keep moving and do what’s best for me. I wish this post was a little more positive, I gotta speak my truth even when it doesn’t feel right or always sound the way I want it too. Anyway going to end this and enjoy the rest of my day off because it’s back to work tomorrow so enjoy your Tuesday.

This truly makes me sad..

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I try to always keep a level head, I try to see everyone’s point of view and I try not to do the whole back and fourth arguing with people because it gets us no where. It truly saddens me and breaks my heart to see people with mental illnesses shaming other people who have mental illnesses like what the hell? How dare someone who suffers shame another person dealing with the same thing. You cannot tell someone else’s story when your not in that persons shoes.

People always say to me “oh you look so happy”, “your always so pulled together” or “are you ever sad” the truth is so much goes through my head daily I’m happy some days other days I’m depressed and my anxiety is all over the place but whenever I’m around people they would never know because I’m so good at covering it up and not letting anyone know I’m broken. People have to realize you can be happy or come off happy to others and still not be ok. Last weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I was telling him a story on how I was driving and I had this image of a cliff and I was falling off the cliff and my (child’s father) was on the top and he was holding on to my hand and I was so miserable and wanted to get away from him in my mind, I wanted him to let me fall. The whole time I’m telling my boyfriend this story he was in shock he couldn’t believe that my mind went to that place. Certain things/people can trigger my anxiety so bad and those are the people I cannot be around.

I was on twitter last night and someone who suffered from depression stated that a friend saw them out and said “you don’t look depressed to me” then it started the question in the comments “what does depression, look like?” The answer to that is clear, depression doesn’t have a look to it someone can be so happy and still be miserable at the same time. It’s not nice or kind to try to diagnose someone or tell them what they have or don’t have you may not understand what that person is going through but it doesn’t give you the right to judge them or make them feel even worse about it. Treat others the way you want someone to treat you.

I feel like some people get picked on over and over for things they have done or not done and it’s not ok, you have to realize someone with a mental illness does not have the same mind set as someone who doesn’t so to those who don’t get it at all, I suggest you educate yourself or start off by asking questions before you jump to conclusions or start diagnosing someone. Everyone’s mind is different and everyone thinks differently but it doesn’t make them not human we all bleed the same, we all feel the same pain we’re a lot more alike then different in some ways. I also will say please don’t jump on the bandwagon, I hate when I read a comment that’s negative online and then a bunch of other people will comment negativity and in my mind, I’m like aren’t you the same person who wrote something positive a minute ago like please have a mind of your own is all I’m saying even if it means standing alone. “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything” great quote by Alexander Hamilton and it speaks volumes especially for the society we live in today.

I speak on mental illness so much now since starting this blog, because I’m realizing how important it is and that everyone needs a voice to be heard, it was always important to me but I never really had a platform to speak about it on and now with my blogging, I can use my voice and stand for what I believe in. My biggest thing is more people should be educated on it so when situations arise they know how to handle them or they aren’t mis informed. I see so much bullying when it comes to these type of stigmas and it’s sad because we should be coming together not being against one another. I wanna continue to use my voice and speak on my experiences and hopefully it will help others.

It’s Sunday it’s relaxation day so I won’t keep going on with my rant but I’m sure you get the point so display some love today and relax before work Monday. I’m off to the store with my daughter now ✌️😊

Stress|what helps me?

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In life we all go through things weather it be in our personal life or professional life,we all deal with things and sometimes, we don’t always know how to handle our problems or even what to do when things in our lives get to be too much. I though it would be great to talk about it and also share some of my tips on how, I deal with stressful situations.

Anxiety..

It’s no secret that anxiety plays a big part in my life and it can definitely make stressful situations worse at times but, I will never shy away from this topic because it’s all about helping others and I want anyone out there who is suffering to know it does get better and you are not alone. My anxiety lately has been pretty good honestly and it’s been great for me and I’m learning still everyday how to deal with stressful situations, although it’s hard sometimes but as alway I’ll never give up ever.

Tips that help stress(what helps me)

Remember everyone handles stress differently so what works for me may not work for you.

Let’s get started..

1.spending time with my daughter-

this is one of the biggest things to help me, my daughter is my world and I love coming home to spend time with her and play in her room or eating ice cream this is definitely a good stress reliever, she always takes my mind off anything going on around me everyday and she makes me feel better when she gives me kisses and hugs,she will take her little hand and pat me on the back it’s cute 🙂

2. Going out of town-

As you know my boyfriend lives two hours away, so I don’t get to see him as often as we both would like but whenever,I do go out of town to see him it helps me a lot because getting away from my home town is much needed sometimes, like when I had my recent situation with my child’s father unfortunately, it helped me a lot going to see my boyfriend and talking about it with him while he held me and listen to me vent for hours, he definitely loves me he has too, i talk his head off every chance I get. It’s funny because his very private and quiet and laid back and I’m the complete opposite but he evens me out( sorry for going off topic) you get the point.

3.watching my favorite show-

I love tv, I’m always glued to the television after a long day of work, usually watching cartoons with my daughter or watching something that I like, when I get off at 5 I always tune in to judge Mathis, I love court shows and I love seeing how the cases turn out, theirs also this new show on fox called “Rel” I watch and it’s really good and funny also,I like that new show on CBS called “neighbors” don’t quote me on it because the title is probably wrong but it has Cedric the entertainer in it, it’s very funny and of course I like a few reality tv shows or I’ll watch something on YouTube, Netflix or Hulu.

4.Reading a book/writing novels-

I love love to read like my name should be attached to Barnes and noble because I’m always there reading and I love the way the coffee smell hits me soon as the door opens, I could live in a bookstore literally. I read all kinds of books ranging from romance, to mystery to non fiction or fiction really whatever catches my eye. I also love to write novels ,so I have a bunch of stories I’ve written on my lap top and I have only let one person read them. it’s crazy but I’m funny about who reads my work, I don’t wanna jinx my work plus I have to make sure it’s good before anyone else can read it. Reading is always good for the soul it relaxes you and you get to zone out for a while.

5.taking my anxiety meds-

Let’s be clear these are only taken on a day where,I literally cannot handle anything and I have to be able to control myself or my thoughts so, I grab my pills and relax usually my medicine stays in my purse because, it’s always good to stay prepared I never wanna be away from home with no medicine, so I always make it a point to keep it on me at all times. yes they relax me and help me sleep, I remember the last time taking them my mom pointed out how calm and relaxed it made me, also she said I’m nicer so what does that tell you? But at the same token, I try not to take them everyday because I wanna try to see how my body will react without them but of course most of the time something will happen and then it’s all down hill from there but, yes the goal my doctor always tells me is to have me anxiety free but it’s been years of me dealing with it, so not really sure anything will change but I’m going to stay positive because you never know what can happen.

6. Not letting all the stress over power me-

It’s nothing much we can do when super stressed because we tell ourselves not to think about it but then then we still do it anyway, so the best/last tip I can give you is to let go and let god because it’s not much else you can do, but eventually things will get better in your life, so try not to let it effect you to the point of being depressed or not living your life because no matter what happens in life the world will always keep moving no matter what we have going on,so the best thing you can do is stay positive and count your blessings because it could be worse ,so to anyone out there dealing with stress it will get better I’m speaking it into existence for you, try meditating, yoga, going out with friends, prayer, or whatever works to distract you. You can do it guys I’m rooting for you!

Don’t let stress have you, beat stress up with a smile and positive energy.

The way I been feeling..

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so much has happened in the past couple of weeks I’m feeling really weird about everything to be honest, I’ve held so much in haven’t said a lot about half the things that really bother me, I’m always that girl in the crowd who’s smiling who’s always so put together and people always say to me ” you’re always so happy, are you ever sad, you always smile” the truth is I wear a smile all the time to hide a lot of the things that go through my head or that I’m dealing with. I been feeling so un easy lately like I’m here physically but mentally I’m some where else.

I’ve been dying to tell my boyfriend about my thoughts but honestly his been so busy with work and dealing with his own things so I don’t wanna burden him but inside I’m dying I’m dying to get out I’m dying to tell anyone who will listen about these thoughts. I keep telling him I’m not ok but does he even really hear me, Ive told my mom a little bit and she says “take your anxiety meds you will be ok” I get that helps but what if I don’t wanna feel like a zombie or something I’m not for a day. I’ve been dying to get away so this weekend I’ll go out of town to spend some time with my boyfriend and his family witch I’m looking forward too because I’m in desperate need of a get away maybe I’ll come back and feel better maybe I won’t either way it’s worth a shot.

I been beating myself up about finding a new job trust me I love where I work but I wanna be closer to home driving an hour back and fourth everyday is getting old and taking a toll on me and my car, I’ve had to do so many repairs lately and I’m tired to say the least. I hope some new opportunity will present itself soon as far as my career goes only time will tell have to keep applying for jobs and sit back and wait not only that but my daughters father coming back in my life has been nothing but pure hell and I wish he never came back I’m starting to hate him literally we got into a Hugh argument through text yesterday and it didn’t end well at this point I no longer want him around me or my daughter she has a good life and is loved and I’m done trying with him it’s costing me too much peace and I can’t have my inner peace being destroyed.

I feel broken and I never thought I would say that out loud to be honest, I want everything to be different but it’s not instead it’s the complete opposite and I hate how someone can come into your life and turn it upside down by being an asshole and threatening to do things to you I’ve never dis liked someone so much but it’s ok because the next time we speak it will be through my lawyer because I cannot cannot take it anymore with him, he needs to be taught a lesson and I’m here to be the teacher today. I’m going to try my best to pep up try my best to wear a smile and not let all the drama bring me down but it’s hard sometimes. My anxiety is at an all time high so I do indeed think it’s time to contact my therapist and it’s time for me to get back on my meds for a while until everything dies down. I know I’m going to be ok, I know eventually things will get better and I’m going to keep having hope and stayed prayed up.

Thanks for listening to my long vent guys, I’m going to go lay down now because it’s back to work tomorrow and I have an intern I have to train so gotta get all the rest I can get my sweeties. Enjoy your Sunday! Ps: this post probably won’t go up till Monday.

also I’m feeling a bit better today but last night I was so over it!