One door closes, another one opens.

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It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

Tuesday’s thoughts..

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Today was a long day and now I’m left tired and racing with thoughts, my co workers don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. I wish going on a vacation could happen soon. I’m tired of all the at work negativity. Im trying my best to stay positive to not let it all break me. I have to keep telling myself it will all be ok, it’s hard telling someone who deals with anxiety and depression that it will be ok, that your old ways won’t creep back in. It’s taking everything in me to not to let the negative thoughts come back.

My weight issues don’t help much either, my dad worries about everything I eat, either I’m eating too much or not what he wants me to eat, I get it I’m the “fat” daughter now because I’m not the small size 7 anymore, but it still hurts because, I’m sticking to my meal plan I’ve been anti sweets and I’m trying this time. It seems like the world can’t see it thought, what more do they want from me? It’s not like the girl in the mirror is the girl, I want to be. I take the countless comments from family and friends while crying in private, I get it no one is perfect, tell the girl in the mirror that the one who haunts me daily because she does not feel good enough.

I wake up to the same routine, rushing out the door to get to the same Job and do the usual things, everyone has a problem and I’m the one they run to, I’m the one picking up the phones all day trying to help as many patients as I can. I won’t lie it’s draining day in and day out but it’s the Career that I’ve chosen for me the career of helping others, but oh wait who’s going to help me, who’s going to save me? You forget about yourself when everyone around you starts to come first. Your mind starts to spin and the next thing you know, you have landed on the floor trying to figure it all out.

I have it all together, that’s what I’m telling myself everyday. I keep pushing and striving for all my goals evens when it hurts. The demands never seem to end each day is something new or something different. My pastor preaches about being nice to others treating everyone equal sometimes it’s hard when it’s all coming at me at once when people expect so much out of you. The inner part of me wants to scream “that’s enough” but instead I bite my tongue as always and pretend it’s not bothering me, I have to wear a fake smile and keep going even when the medication does not feel like enough even when the world seems too much.

Today could of been better but as always I’m praying for a better tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoys their Tuesday night and try not to let anyone bring you down also thanks for allowing me to share my feelings it’s tough sometimes but remember we can’t let our mental illness win. We can do it!

You ever feel..

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You ever feel so lost and don’t know what to do next or even who you are anymore, you want so bad to be ok and for everything to be normal again but what the hell is normal when you don’t know what way to go anymore.

It’s funny, I spent an hour on the phone with my boyfriend trying to explain my mental illness and the way I’m feeling. I love him to death, still he has no idea what it’s like to be me or how hard wearing this fake smile is becoming and everything is a complete mess right now and I’m not sure what else to do. I wanna cry and then apart of me wants to leave it all behind. I’m not so put together to the world anymore, I’m crumbling at the seams.

Today was day one back on my medication and it didn’t help much to be honest, it’s going to be a process of waiting for it to get back in my system again and waiting for that happy girl to come through again. I question was, I ever really happy? Or maybe it was me pretending to be so no one would ask “are you ok” either way I’m not sure anymore but nothing seems right, it all seems wrong at the moment. I hate when my anxiety and depression get this bad and it feels like that hold a meeting to decide witch one is going to strike me first.

I knew my depression had won today, when i laid in my bed, in the dark and blocked everyone out. I couldn’t get from my bed and I couldn’t stop all the negative thoughts from coming. Today was short of perfect, two bad things happened at work and unfortunately it’s been with me since, I’ve been home and I can’t shake the feeling of it all. It’s been three weeks of hell trying to get back to me and it feels like I’m in a maze trying to find a way out. It’s funny how no one takes your mental illness serious, until you have done something stupid or harmed someone around you. It’s the fake smiles that keep getting to me and those fake conversations and the lies of pretending to be ok that truly break me everyday day and I’m honestly tired of saying I’m doing ok.

I meet with my doctor next week and I’m planning to tell him everything, planning to tell him that his so called meds aren’t helping and planning to tell him the truth nothing short of the truth, I can’t keep wearing this smile anymore, it’s not me at least right now and I have to live in my truth and tell my story the right way. I’m so tired and drained and no matter what I’m still managing to write this post to help others out there feeling the same as me. You are not alone, we can get through this. Don’t give give up yet. I have to keep telling myself this everyday lately to get through it all.

Someone asked me today, why are you depressed? Do you even know why your sad? And In the moment it’s evident so many people don’t understand mental illness they don’t get sometimes there are no reasons at all, I could of responded In a different way but my only reaction was to explain mental illness and mental health and the daily struggles and how our minds tend to work. It even made me cry a little to be honest because some people will never truly understand and get the daily struggles of mental illness. I pray that one day the stigma be broken and more people start to understand.

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Tuesday night I’m off to sleep and be with my thoughts.

Life is short..

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Sitting here in my room alone and thinking with my thoughts running all over the place it hits me how short life is and how we take it for granted most days. I was at work earlier when CNN decided to alert my phone to tell me about the death of Kristof St John who plays “Neil Winters” on the young and restless. I’m in utter shock only because it hits me that life is so damn short also being that he spoke so openly about his sons suicide in 2014 and spoke on his on issues with mental health causing him to take a break from the show for a while, I’m not exactly sure where his mind set was or even if he had a mental illness either way it eats me up inside to know someone who I’ve been watching since a child is now gone.

Mental illness somehow always gets swept under the rug and always goes un noticed on some people’s parts, all I can think about is how I’ve been lately and how my mental illness has taken control. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve been lately and I hate it to be honest, everyone around me continues to tell me it’s the medicine but wait no maybe it’s me, maybe my anxiety and depression is flaring back up. I’m on edge, I’m angry, I’m sad, and emotional and restless and I can’t remember the last time I actually slept well. My doctor is always telling me the same thing over and over “you can get better, take your medicine every day, I’ll see you in a month” the same old crap don’t get me wrong I’ve grown to like my doctor a lot but at the same time when will this all end for me, when will I be medicine free, when will this stop taking control of me.

I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of pretending to be ok all the time, my boyfriend says “babe, somethings off about you” I know it’s true so I can’t deny it but at the same time what can I do 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying so hard to fight this, I’m trying so hard to understand it all. I need to go back to see my therapist, but hell would she even accept me, in my eyes I can’t be helped and I’m needing some guidance. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it but haven’t found my way out yet. I won’t give up on myself, I won’t let this take me down. I’m going to find my smile again and I’m going to be that happy girl again.

Please to anyone out there feeling like there’s no way out, get help please and know that you are loved. tel:1-800-273-8255 call this number for help. You are not alone and you are loved, please be safe.

Life goes on..

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So crazy how Life can be sometimes and how things happen that we don’t always expect to happen. So in my last post things we’re looking up for me or so I though. I don’t wanna make this super long so I’m going to get right into it.

My anxiety/depression –

I was honestly happy for a while, I felt good everything seemed to be fine, however so much has happened and honestly I’ve come to the conclusion and so have others around me that it’s best I stay on my meds. I honestly wish that it was possible for me to be medication free but for now and because it seems for the best I’m seeing my doctor this week about more medication to help me. The weird part is I try to be happy and I try to not be depressed but it’s sad because I find myself always on edge and upset most of the time and I can’t control it like I want too. I think it’s best for me to take my medication and seek my therapy until things get better. This is not a set back for me more so something that I have to get through and I know in the end things will come out better and I’ll be stronger. I’m learning it’s ok to take medication and please don’t ever be ashamed to do that.

The Job-

In my last post, I stated that I had a great interview that was suppose to lead to a Job and please excuse any bad language in this post but it’s how I feel. The lady that supposedly hired me is full of shit, she basically played me in a way because she told me that the position was mine even the doctor there told me that it was mine,then she told me she was going to send me some paper work to fill out and call my job for a reference so needless to say a week goes by,I don’t hear from her at all, so today I decided to call.she picked up and acted like she didn’t know who I was or what was going on, it was crazy then she has this bull shit excuse saying that she has been busy because the office was closed due to bad weather yesterday it was a bunch of crap to me like how do we go from two interviews to telling me I’m hired and your going to email me paper work to this, now she’s claiming she’s doing more interviews as well, I honestly feel like you can’t trust anybody now a days but honestly I blocked the number because I don’t want any more parts to this company and I don’t want her calling me to offer me anything because she’s full of shit. (Again sorry for the language).

What’s next-

So basically I even told my Job that, that I was leaving so imagine my embarrassment so now to make a long story short gotta tell my Job tomorrow that I’m not leaving, so yes this has been a Hugh mess but no matter what I’m going to keep smiling and keep pushing. Gotta be grateful to have a job now a days so can’t let this break me I’m going to keep pushing and keep moving and do what’s best for me. I wish this post was a little more positive, I gotta speak my truth even when it doesn’t feel right or always sound the way I want it too. Anyway going to end this and enjoy the rest of my day off because it’s back to work tomorrow so enjoy your Tuesday.

Women to women|Coming together.

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It’s crazy because, I originally was going to do another post but instead I ended up picking this topic because day in and day out, I see so much bickering between women and it’s sad that as women we tend to pit ourselves against each other or down one another. we’re our own worse enemy and can’t even see it, it’s bad enough some(keyword some because not all men do this) men put us down but then we turn around and do it to ourselves and I can’t seem to understand why? I’ve watched another women go to another women’s page just to comment on a picture they didn’t like or to tear that women down for no reason at all, how do you sleep at night? And then the main ones that get me are the ones that put “child of god” in their bio like please that has to be a sick joke you cannot call yourself such a thing mean while your putting someone else down or name calling someone and I agree everyone has the right to their own opinion but there’s a difference, when it’s coming from a good place or when your just being plain nasty for no reason.

My experience..

I’ve never really fit into the in crowd, I’ve never been miss popularity but at the same time I’ve never felt the need to be anyone but me, I was bullied all through school by the mean girls as we call them. I never understood why someone can be so cruel, I was name called and told I was ugly, fat, and stupid by girls who didn’t even know me and their words started to eat at me as I got older and I started to believe it to a certain extent witch lead me down a path of destruction, starving myself, going days with no food and exercising constantly, hating the person behind the mirror. It’s weird to say those same girls now are fake friendly whenever they see me out but of course I never forget, my cousins ex also use to bully me in school and then turned around and tried to be nice to me because she was dating him. I can forgive a lot of things but trust me this girl will never forget.

The things I see.

I’m randomly on instagram today and as usual I’m scrolling down my time line and also looking at the search section where they show a bunch of pictures of celebrities, it saddens me to see so many women downing other women or saying ignorant things to be mean for no reason,like what is your motive? I honestly feel a lot of it is jealousy and the other part is women not liking who they are, self esteem is definitely a killer and will have you hating who you are, I’ve been there before. I will say this it’s no ones problem because you don’t like who you are and you should not treat others like shit because you don’t love yourself, it’s up to you to fix the broken pieces in you and get yourself together but don’t down another women or another person in general because you don’t like the shoes your in. I have to give tough love in this post for so many reasons because this is seen so much and it shouldn’t be.

Things to work on..

If you or anyone you know is that girl, I will say this it’s not too late to change who you are, and the next time you get online or even in person and see something you don’t like, keep scrolling it’s not hard, I do it all the time. I think as women we should always back each other the world we live in is already cold enough so why down one another. We have this new “me too” movement in place witch is suppose to be women empowerment yet still in some ways we have a long way to go as far as coming together but that’s a whole other topic. I truly encourage you to love on one another and treat each other the way you want to be treated stop putting others down and love yourself and the next time you think about saying something mean turn it into a positive.

Conclusion..

We have to stick together and show love each time we get a chance, so women even men let’s rise above the drama and be better than ever. I challenge you to go out today/tomorrow and say something nice to someone you love.

Favorite date night spots|I’m gearing up for date night this weekend!!

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I’m a hopeless romantic as alway and I’m always in the mood to talk about love and share my experiences so in honor of my up coming date night this weekend, I thought I would share some of my favorite date night places also great date places to go whenever your in the mood for a date and some fun.

1. Dinner

So dinner at your favorite restaurant with great food and even fantastic conversation can never go wrong you and your date can sit across from one another and truly get to know each other over a glass of wine or even water if drinking isn’t your thing. You can go to a fancy restaurant down town or even some place simple whatever makes you and your date happy either way going out to eat is a great choice for a first date. The night can be full of surprises yes it can.(by the way my favorite restaurant is red lobster)

2. Movies

I know some might be thinking this is so basic but no my boyfriend and I love to go to the cinema bistro it offers movies plus dinner and drinks it’s so much fun when picking the right movie it’s my boyfriends favorite place to go and like always he ends up picking the movie and I talk his head off trying to figure out what’s going to happens next. This is also good for a first date because you can watch your favorite movie and get to know your date at the same time so it’s a win win for both (personally I would rather watch movies at home) but I will do the movies for him.

3. Park

It’s nothing like a good old fashion date in the park with a picnic because you can eat and talk and be one with nature. I’ve always wanted to do a picnic never done it though but I say go for it and please enjoy yourself their is so many other things you can do in the park for Instance play a game of frisbee, walk the trails, even cook on the grill. It’s all about having fun and enjoying the nature with your significant other and if your like me and you love the outside then this is right up your ally so I say go ahead and make your park date happen soon rather then later. You won’t regret it!

4.spend time alone inside

Ok ok I know what your thinking how the hell is staying inside a good date well let me tell you all you have to do is cook your partner some dinner and cuddle up on the couch for some movies it’s the perfect set up and you don’t have to leave home, I love doing things like this with my boyfriend mainly because I’m a homebody anyway but also because you don’t always have to leave home to have a good time remember that, sometimes it’s ok to stay in and enjoy each other’s company once in a while. So try it sometime and close the outside world out for a little while 🙂

5.bowling

I suck at bowling and I cannot bowl a strike to save my life but hey it’s not always about winning right? The point is this is a fun exciting date where you can get to know your date and have a good time while doing it, they even have good nachos mmm love my nachos but seriously guys this is a great place to go and you don’t have to take yourself so serious you can showcase your fun side and while also showing the other person your hobbies so it’s kind of a win win and soo much fun at the same time so I say let’s go bowling 🎳 no realkt let’s go 👉 lol

6. The bar

Yes I know what your thinking but some people don’t want the date to be super serious or uncomfortable so going to a bar to talk or have a drink or two isn’t the worse thing in the world. Some bars even do karaoke night and you can never go wrong with that. The idea is to not take yourself so serious and learn to have some fun again I say go for it, it’s really whatever makes you happy either way as long as your getting to know the person and having fun that’s all that matters in the end.

Conclusion

Date night should alway be something you should keep in your relationship it helps to go out every now and then and enjoy some alone time with your partner so between your busy Schedule always try to make time for one another and live in the moment always. I can’t wait for date night and I hope your next days is everything you want it to be and more. enjoy your Tuesday night I’ll be enjoying mine because I’m off to bed, time to close my eyes.