One door closes, another one opens.

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It’s really hard to trust people, it’s really hard for me to let people in and actually believe they are good people and have my best interest at heart. I’m completely broken after today realizing certain people never really cared nor had my best interest at all. I’m never really one to use names but in this case I’m going to because my voice deserves to be heard and these girls deserve to know what my feelings are in this very moment and this blog post isn’t just for me it’s for anyone out there struggling with their mental illness and also dealing with the people around them who don’t get it or don’t help but add to the issue.

I walk into work this morning, I’m in a pretty decent mood, of course let me back up the story a little, I didn’t make it to work Monday because my car was in the shop being worked on,I sent a group text to all my co workers including my manager, so they all knew I was not coming,everyone seemed fine with it until today I walk in and the nurse practitioner Rebecca ( mind you she’s not my manger just another employee like me)called me in the office talking about how my performance at work has been completely off lately and how she went to the doctor on me and told him not to give me a raise, if things don’t improve and then she switched my position at work out of no where it was a mess, I’m dealing with enough shit excuse my language ,so naturally I cry a little but does that bitch care nope she gives this fake ass apology and walks out the office like nothing happens.

Then to add to it all my so called friend Andrea who was literally like one of my good friends at work turns on me and come to find out she’s been scheming behind my back this whole time and doing things a friend should not be doing and basically her and Rebecca and Érica the office manager have apparently been conspiring against me going to the doctor on me and that’s super messed up in my option I’ve worked with most of these girls for the past three years going on four years not all but some but it hurts me dearly that they would do something like that to me especially Andrea. I tried to approach her to talk and she stormed off saying she didn’t wanna talk to me like a child and I was confused because she had just sent me a text that morning like everything was fine but a true friend let me know she wasn’t really my friend at all. I blocked her number and block her on all social media because I don’t want people like that in my life we will work together but thats it, I will no longer par take in conversations with her or deal with her outside of work for now on.

Needless to say I only have one true friend at my job and she knows who she is and I appreciate her for being real with me and actually having my back and always taking up for me, it’s been another crappy day of crying and anxiety and bad moments but I’m trying to hang in there, my anxiety and depression has been so bad lately I’m worried but I don’t know what else to do honestly. This is probably one of the worse I’ve been in a while but have to be strong for my daughter even on the days when I don’t wanna get out of bed or don’t wanna be around people. I been wearing this fake smile so long and I’m starting to wonder what a real smile even feels like.

I’m going to try to write more positive blogs guys I really am because I don’t like being present when I’m like this but at the same time I want the world to be more aware of what mental illness looks like and it’s not always glamorous we have our good and bad days and it’s important to talk about it and not keep it bottled up because someone out there can relate and someone out there needs to know it’s ok to feel the way they do.

Please enjoy your Tuesday let’s keep each other lifted it always gets better 🙂

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Life goes on..

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So crazy how Life can be sometimes and how things happen that we don’t always expect to happen. So in my last post things we’re looking up for me or so I though. I don’t wanna make this super long so I’m going to get right into it.

My anxiety/depression –

I was honestly happy for a while, I felt good everything seemed to be fine, however so much has happened and honestly I’ve come to the conclusion and so have others around me that it’s best I stay on my meds. I honestly wish that it was possible for me to be medication free but for now and because it seems for the best I’m seeing my doctor this week about more medication to help me. The weird part is I try to be happy and I try to not be depressed but it’s sad because I find myself always on edge and upset most of the time and I can’t control it like I want too. I think it’s best for me to take my medication and seek my therapy until things get better. This is not a set back for me more so something that I have to get through and I know in the end things will come out better and I’ll be stronger. I’m learning it’s ok to take medication and please don’t ever be ashamed to do that.

The Job-

In my last post, I stated that I had a great interview that was suppose to lead to a Job and please excuse any bad language in this post but it’s how I feel. The lady that supposedly hired me is full of shit, she basically played me in a way because she told me that the position was mine even the doctor there told me that it was mine,then she told me she was going to send me some paper work to fill out and call my job for a reference so needless to say a week goes by,I don’t hear from her at all, so today I decided to call.she picked up and acted like she didn’t know who I was or what was going on, it was crazy then she has this bull shit excuse saying that she has been busy because the office was closed due to bad weather yesterday it was a bunch of crap to me like how do we go from two interviews to telling me I’m hired and your going to email me paper work to this, now she’s claiming she’s doing more interviews as well, I honestly feel like you can’t trust anybody now a days but honestly I blocked the number because I don’t want any more parts to this company and I don’t want her calling me to offer me anything because she’s full of shit. (Again sorry for the language).

What’s next-

So basically I even told my Job that, that I was leaving so imagine my embarrassment so now to make a long story short gotta tell my Job tomorrow that I’m not leaving, so yes this has been a Hugh mess but no matter what I’m going to keep smiling and keep pushing. Gotta be grateful to have a job now a days so can’t let this break me I’m going to keep pushing and keep moving and do what’s best for me. I wish this post was a little more positive, I gotta speak my truth even when it doesn’t feel right or always sound the way I want it too. Anyway going to end this and enjoy the rest of my day off because it’s back to work tomorrow so enjoy your Tuesday.

I’m back/what’s been going on (part 1) ❤️

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Ok guys so I’m back finally, I missed doing this so much, I hope everyone is doing well, I’m finally ready to talk about what’s been going on so let’s get in to it.

Dealing with my dad..

Ok so in a previous post I told you guys my dad and I were closer, well lately it’s been nothing but bickering between him and I, I didn’t feel like he loved me or even cared he was constantly getting on me about every little thing and always telling me how to parent my daughter and honestly that got old quick. I went to my mom and expressed to her that I was tired of it all and that I was done trying to form a relationship with my father, she was not having that so she spoke with him about some of the things that I have been feeling towards him and our relationship, long story short we had a heart to heart and talked, I’m a big baby and I cried and he told me he loved me and we have since been moving towards a good space with each other ( it’s a work in progress) I think with time my dad and I can get back to having that close relationship we once had when I was younger. So I will definitely keep you posted on this and more.

My child’s father coming back into our lives..

In a previous post I stated that I was a single parent because my child’s father choose not to be around well out of the blue I get a text/call from him stating that he wants to be apart of his daughters life now and how he has changed. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a very very long time but it was also scary for me being that I’m in a new relationship and I wasn’t sure how my daughter would even react to meeting him. The conversation started off rocky we weren’t getting along and honestly I was giving up hope but we have turned it around sort of, I clearly have a long way to go before I can trust him or let him be alone with my daughter but we will have to keep trying until everyone is comfortable with it. This has been really hard and it’s causing me to have to re live moments that I personally don’t want too but I will do it all for my daughter. I’m going to hope and pray that he will do right by her and things will move in a good direction so that we can co parent the right way.

My job..

So things at work were going great and then they went left again because in my mind I feel like I’m always being targeted for some reason maybe because I choose to be quiet and stay to myself, so anyway long story short I’m thinking everything is good between me and the girls(co workers) well clearly I was wrong I’m always being blind sighted and it sucks when I’m always being a good person I felt in my eyes if their is a problem why not address me instead of talking about me as if I’m not in the room or proceeding to tell me how to do my job when your not my boss is all I’m saying, I feel as adults it’s ways you handle things and ways you don’t and I’m over being nice to people who clearly don’t deserve it. I have tried to be the bigger person over and over again but it seems to get me no where so I’m at the point of just staying to myself and not dealing with anyone. I will never get why some adults can be so catty and nasty for no reason it’s sad and pathetic to be honest like grow up is all I can say. I want to say more but of course I will reveal more in the part 2 I do on this story.

Conclusion..

Things have been so crazy these past few weeks omg like literally and I’ve been trying to deal with it all and be there for everyone around me at the same time, I won’t lie I’m scared my anxiety is about to flare up again and it’s scaring me because I’ve done so good with the no meds but with all these things going on it’s enough to send me spiraling back into another break down because honestly this is all crazy but all I can do is try to deal with it the best way I know how, also thanks so much for being patient with me during this time. I will definitively be doing a part 2 to this blog post because there is more. Enjoy your weekend guys, sending lots and lots of love your way ❤️

Bullying IN the workplace!

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Hello, I hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday, as promised I will be sharing my experience with bullying in the work place, I think at one point in time we have all dealt with situations like this at work and it’s all you handle them and how you choose to rise above it. I will never condone bullying in any shape or form period weather it’s at work, school or in a public setting it’s never ok.

My story..

I had my daughter in 2017 of March as I’ve stated in previous post, i worked until February before choosing to take maternity leave but before going out things at my Job were a little rocky. The crazy part is I had a baby shower and of course all my friends and family were there so of course naturally i chose to invite my co workers. The shower went amazing everyone had a great time (during my leave someone was hired to fill in for me) she was ok at the time or at least I thought she was but that’s a whole other story.

Going back to work..

So in May I went back to work thinking everything was going to be great come to find out my position had been given away to the other employee and I was told my job would be the same also they had me in an office doing paper work all day, Everything was different now my boss was mean to me so we’re the other two girls at the desk mind you I never did anything to these girls I hadn’t seen them in months due to having my daughter. It was constant torture having them be mean to me day in and day out at the time my only friend was the phlebotomist who worked in the lab she always took up for me and told me it would be ok( we no longer speak due to unfortunate circumstance but I will tell that story in another post) I was crying all the time, telling my mom how I hated my job it was horrible.

Some things, I wish I did different..

So being petty and fed up I will not lie I did run to Facebook and post some things that I should have not about the girls only because I was fed up at the time I’m not condoning my behavior at all I understand it was wrong, however one of my co workers took it upon herself to tell my boss some things that were said and I ended up in her office we talked I apologize she apologized and we left it there but still the drama continued for a while longer until the phlebotomist quit and then the girl who took my position left work and I got my Original job back.

Where I’m at now..

So basically I’m still at my Job and I love the doctor I work for a lot and I get along with all the girls now,we no longer have any drama everything’s been great, I will say this SOME of the drama was coming from the phlebotomist at the time she was stirring the pot ( a lot of he say she say) and I really believed she was my friend at the time, she turned out not to be it turns out her and the girl who was doing my job were nothing but mean girls scheming together and they both did things that were not nice against me witch is why I choose not to deal with them now at all. They were trying to pit me against my manager and other co workers who I had known way longer.( this still does not excuse the fact that my manager and co workers still played a role here too)

Why I won’t tolerate bullying..

I don’t like bullies and I hate People who bully others it’s not ok ever and all though I have forgiven my co workers, I will never forget what was done to me. You should never ever make someone feel bad about who they are, the situation really messed with my anxiety and took a huge toll on me mentally and physically. so I wish this on no one remember if you are being bullied speak up and say something do not allow it and if you see someone getting bullied you should speak up don’t allow it to keep happening because so many people wait till it’s too late and someone ends up hurt or even dead and that’s never ok, respect each other always.

Stand against bullies please and enjoy your Sunday because it’s back to work tomorrow. So get your rest in.