The fight to happiness..

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You ever feel like what you do isn’t enough, you ever feel like everything is becoming too much, you ever feel like you wanna give up and forget it all. My whole life seemed like a Kelly Clarkson song, girl in a small town wanting to get out and try something new. I wish social anxiety didn’t always plague me and I could do all the things I’ve always set out to do, in high school my dream was to be an actress and I was excited when scouts came to my school. I remember running home to tell my mom and she was supportive as always but it never got me too far, I never landed any roles and the day of the auditions came and I couldn’t go due to my mom working so that dream died.

I never really knew what my life was suppose to be like, all I knew was being happy was at the top of my list, I use to watch all my friends land their dream jobs and move in with their boyfriends but where did that leave me? For years I worked odd jobs never feeling fulfilled in anything that was done until going back to school became the prominent choice and from there life started to fall in to place, life seemed great for a while until he came back (my child’s father) as usual he brings his drama and I’m suppose to feel bad for him? I think not! My anxiety and depression got really bad during that time luckily he disappeared again as always and things seemed right again.

My anxiety/depression has been kind of bad lately and every time I look back last year, I wonder what triggered it to be this strong again and I wonder what made me this weak again and I can’t help but wonder am I strong enough to handle this or should I give up? Some days I wish it was possible for me to go away for a week maybe even a month and get away from everyone and everything around me some days I wanna be around people a lot, others I’m happy being in my room starring at the walls and binge watching Netflix all day it’s one of those things that never seems to go away.

My daughter keeps me motivated she’s the main reason I drag myself out the bed and push to be positive each day, she lets me know I’m so alone and get through the day even when I would rather lay around and do nothing. My boyfriend also pushes me to want more and to do better his always so understanding and gets when I’m in my moods and understands me when I’m deep in my mental illness and I’m grateful to have that kind of support.

No matter what I’m going to be ok, I have to be. Tomorrow’s a new day, a new day to do better and get this thing called life on track. In the words of Gloria Gaynor “I will survive” ✌️

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